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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found a condom in boyfriends jeans pocket

661 replies

bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 08:54

I've just been through the laundry basket to put a load of washing on and found an unopened condom in the pocket of my boyfriends jeans.

We don't use condoms.

Aibu to think there could be a perfectly innocent reason for it being there??

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 22/11/2017 21:34

What Mix56 said.

The how long you've been together/moved in blah blah is irrelevant. Whatever he's doing is not OK and I would ask him to leave. I wish I had been as brave.

It is not good enough to say "I don't know". Of course he bloody knows. Don't put yourself through this, please...

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 22/11/2017 21:35

Just mentioned thread to my DP. His response was "really" to your DPs response.

annielouise · 22/11/2017 21:36

If the ones in the drawer go missing then he's definitely up to something. Strange he's not offering any other explanation apart from "I don't know babe..." (he's had plenty of time in the shower to come up with something).

buckeejit · 22/11/2017 21:36

What about asking him to see his phone? And ask him outright if he has had sex with anyone else, has he tried, wanted/hoped to? Has he any other condoms? Why?

Tell him you want the truth but be calm-ask in a curious way rather than confrontational.
There’s nothing wrong with asking these questions. He shouldn’t be afraid of them & you should be able to communicate freely without fear of offence.

FreckledFrog · 22/11/2017 21:37

Why don’t you drop it for now. Don’t mention it and check it the other condoms and taken out of the drawer the be used.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/11/2017 21:40

He's simply trying to stare you out.

If he keeps repeating 'I don't know' - eventually you will drop it.

Check if the ones from his drawer disappear.

But really, there's nowhere to go from here. Apologetic? But not saying things like 'Look, it MUST be my bro/mate put it in there for a joke' - he's not even trying to find reasons? If he genuinely didn't know, he would be trying to find reasons. It would bug him. Or he would be saying things like 'It must have been there since before us, I must have left one in those jeans and not realised'. A normal innocent person would automatically come up with scenarios.

But it's not, because he knows, and he just wants to shut this debate down. Presumably he keeps condoms in case he gets lucky. He took one (or two?) out that time with his brother. Maybe he gave one to someone else, maybe he used it himself.

He isn't acting like an innocent person.

Finderscrispy · 22/11/2017 21:41

On the limited amount of info, his behaviour doesn’t scream infidelity.

He’s unlikely to leave his phone out, unless he’s pathological, whilst showering. Unless he’s got another phone deposited somewhere else.

He’s had time to think something up whilst he’s been in the shower, the best he’s come up with his ‘he doesnt know’. Not sure if there would be a good answer to this question, any explanation would probably sound like bs.

As advised check the drawer to see if he’s moved the other condoms, but finding a solitary condom in his jeans pockets alone, is not grounds to end a relationship.

You’re the one in the relationship, so only you can get a sense if he’s telling the truth, do you believe him?

Perhaps explain how you feel and ask him where we go from here, but don’t start packing his bags on the basis of a find in a back pocket.

RavenLG · 22/11/2017 21:44

My initial can’t comment was don’t judge him until you have spoken to him. That answer doesn’t sound great. A man in his late 20s should know where things in his pocket comes from.

Why have you not asked him about the condoms you have found in his drawer? I know you’re worried OP but trying to get him to drip feed information out won’t work. Sit down and have a frank and open discussion with him.

I’m glad you’ve not gone through his phone or tablet, it shows maturity. It’s hard, I’ve been the psycho woman who can’t keep from snooping, but no good ever comes from it.

DiegoMadonna · 22/11/2017 21:49

It's kind of weird. Little chance to cheat, no reason for you to think he was prior to this, leaves his phone lying around knowing you know the password.

...But "I don't know" is such a bad answer! I mean, it's possibly true, but a condom appearing in your pocket for no reason is not a common thing to happen. It's never happened to me!

bluebell34567 · 22/11/2017 21:50

it is interesting he didn't make up a lie 'oh they're my married friend's, I was keeping them for him'.

Insomnibrat · 22/11/2017 21:51

Going through someone's phone doesn't make you a 'psycho'. Stabbing them in their sleep, hiding the body and carrying in as normal might.

Sick of hearing women being so easily referred to as psychos.

mygorgeousmilo · 22/11/2017 21:56

And of the two in his drawer? Because if some (bullshit) prank had been played where someone stuck a condom in his pocket, how would the others get into his drawer? He’s lying. The lunchtime prostitutes thing is a very real possibility, there’s be no phone records - so is having two phones. So is going out and meeting someone in a club, having sex and having no phone record because they’ve not seen them again. Someone I know’s husband had been messaging women for quick no-strings sex via a sex/dating app that he’d put within some other kicked folder within his phone. I don’t know the details of how, but basically his phone and messages looked clear, but it was all done within this app that was hidden.

It just sounds like bollocks I’m afraid. If my husband found a condom in my pocket id be really freaked out! He’s trying to keep calm and blasé in the hopes that you’ll mirror his attitude and think is nothing.

mygorgeousmilo · 22/11/2017 21:57

*locked not kicked ffs

Chickoletta · 22/11/2017 22:01

He's lying. You need to decide whether you can live with this or not.

jacks11 · 22/11/2017 22:04

I think there are a huge amount of assumptions here. And so many people know he is cheating and egging on OP to LTB. Some of you may act on this level of suspicion, but this is someone's life and not a soap opera.

I think it's reasonable to suggest that he might be cheating and that they think his excuse is weak, so would be looking at things closely. And he may well be a cheat- I can understand the suspicion. But there's a difference between that and absolute certainly of guilt and telling OP to end a relationship which by her own admission she was "invested in".

That said, I think it is also possible that he innocent- given what OP says about how he works during the day and spends most evenings/weekends with her at home or socialising together. Other than one night with his brother. Of course he could be conducting an affair when he is supposed to be at work... but then the condom was in jeans he doesn't wear to work, so how does that fit? He could be guilty but I struggle to see when- unless he is not going to work as OP thinks or it was during the night out with his brother. Or it's someone from work, I suppose.

Re the internet history and not being logged into Facebook being suspicious- possibly, but maybe not. On this basis, my partner could be suspicious of me. I log out of FB every time and periodically wipe history/remove cookies etc (sometimes weekly)- I have nothing to hide though. I also have my phone password protected and he doesn't know the password. Because I don't see that he needs to know it. Equally, doesn't know my computer password is. I am not cheating....

Also "keeping an eye on the condoms in the drawer" may not prove anything. He could get rid of them because he's been cheating and is trying to cover his tracks. Or he could know they are there (if there in his underwear drawer he may well be fully aware they are there but just hasn't thrown them out) and think "if DP is suspicious about condom in my pocket, what's she going to think if she finds these?" and get rid of them.

Ultimately, OP I would say you have to decide whether you trust him or not. If you're genuinely not sure, I'd say that as you know him better than posters on here and only you can decide whether you can live with uncertainty this has situation has thrown up. Though if you can't discuss your real thoughts and fears with your partner and/or simply don't trust him, I wonder if the relationship can work.

QueenAmongstMen · 22/11/2017 22:05

As has been said - why are there condoms in his drawer?

Were you and he ever using condoms at the time he moved in which could explain why he had some?

But even if that was the case, it's very suspect that the one in his pocket seems to be one from the strip in his drawers so he obviously took one out with him purposefully with the intention of using it if the opportunity arose.

Finderscrispy · 22/11/2017 22:15

queens the op has only been with the bloke for 6 months, presumably the bloke had a sex life before they met. The condoms may pre date the relationship. He’s hardly gone to extremes to hide them.

The op has also said that the condom in pocket looks like different brand to ones in drawer.

He could be innocent, or he could be a complete cheating scum bag, but I am with jacks above, none of us can really say because we’re not in the relationship and there isn’t enough info to go off. Just egging someone on to leave a relationship, on the limited info given is just wrong.

Leabha · 22/11/2017 22:16

Is he tidy or a hoarder? My DP has piles of old medication, small change in Euros that he always leaves behind when travelling to Europe, old train tickets, receipts, old tissues heaped in drawers and on bookshelves - and a huge pile of jeans on a chair, each of which has similar stuff in the pockets. Also, not just one but a collection of elderly washbags with stuff in them, some years old.

But maybe your instincts are telling you something. I hope things work out for you.

beckythomas · 22/11/2017 22:22

How long have you known him? If you have known for long I suggest you talk about it to him. If he is shocked to learn that you found then there is something wrong.

ADayGivingMeHope · 22/11/2017 22:22

You could get answers by asking about the ones in his drawer...

Junglejupiter · 22/11/2017 22:23

Should have gone through his phone!!!

MammaTJ · 22/11/2017 22:23

The pearl clutching over the unprotected sex and living together

I know, it is hilarious! The length of time they knew each other has no relevance to him having a condom in his pocket!

DP and I 'met' after chatting online for around two weeks. Yes, we slept together, yes, I got pregnant. It was discussed previously. I had done everything 'right' before. Married after a while together, had a baby after two years, yet he cheated on me! Our DD was 8 years old.

The one night stand who won't go away (DP) has been with me for coming up to 13 years. We have a 12 year old DD and an 11 year old DS together.

Anyway,back to the OP. I would be snooping for a bit, see what you can find out, then, well, I think you know the answer really!

Finderscrispy · 22/11/2017 22:26

The suggestion to look in drawer at the other condoms was more to see if he's tries to cover his tracks, presumably he would hide them if he thinks she's onto him.

As opposed them being a couple of old condoms he has forgotten about.

QueenAmongstMen · 22/11/2017 22:28

queens the op has only been with the bloke for 6 months, presumably the bloke had a sex life before they met.

What I meant was that if she and her boyfriend were using condone when they moved in together then it's not sinister that she found them, they are probably just there from when they were using them and he just hadn't gotten rid of them since. It could be completely innocent.

However, if they have never used condoms then it would be odd that he'd have some in his drawer because what purpose would they serve? Why keep condoms you would never use?

I don't think I would necessarily be worried about the ones in the drawer but I would be suspicious about the one in his pocket.

However, if, worst case scenario he'd gone through the thought process of taking a condom out with him or buying one whilst out, I can't imagine he'd then be stupid enough to not think to remove it before putting his trousers in the wash?

It's just all very odd.

ferrier · 22/11/2017 22:34

The ones in the drawer I can understand. They could be left over from a previous relationship and they just live permanently in his underwear drawer.
The one in his jeans pocket is harder to explain. I guess he may not have worn them for a long time ..... (slightly clutching at straws.and hoping someone else has a better reason).