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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Found a condom in boyfriends jeans pocket

661 replies

bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 08:54

I've just been through the laundry basket to put a load of washing on and found an unopened condom in the pocket of my boyfriends jeans.

We don't use condoms.

Aibu to think there could be a perfectly innocent reason for it being there??

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 22/11/2017 17:12

Yes, lying.

More than lying - it's a non-answer, the kind of non answer given when there isn't a good answer available.

In his pocket = belongs to him. So 'it's not mine, I don't know' isn't an answer at all- it's simply saying that he won't engage with this and is going straight to stonewall.

The obvious next step is for you to get irate or upset and say the obvious - well it's in your pocket, you MUST know. Then he can be all 'chill out babe, what are YOU trying to say' - then it's suddenly your fault and he grabs a jacket and storms out in a huff.

I hope that series of techniques doesn't sound familiar, because they're the cheater's classic.

He's lying, either way, and expects to be able to shut you up.

So. I would bail.

Greenkit · 22/11/2017 17:18

.

ChocolateWombat · 22/11/2017 17:18

I agree that it's not normal to dismiss a finding like this without some kind of curiosity about it - condoms don't just appear in pockets. They either are there becaue the owner put them there or someone else has....and anyone in the latter group would be curious to know how it got there and wonder aloud, especially faced with a gf finding it.

Call him on this. Say you find his reaction odd and unconvincing. Ask him if he isn't at least curious about how it got there...because you are. Move the discussion from one of you accusing him of cheating or suggesting he is, to a conversation about his willingness to engage and discuss how this might make you feel and your concerns. Make any comments about leaving him about this - because minimising this isn't normal behaviour or the signs of a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry OP, but I do think this trying to close down the conversation so you do t even ask the dreaded question,mso he doesn't have to deal with it, is an attempt to control you and stop you asking difficult questions. Perhaps he's thinking up a good story now.
It isn't the sign of someone with an innocent explanation.

This is an early stage relationship even though you have already moved in together. I would try to have the conversation about him needing to talk to you about this rather than dismiss the issue - and if he won't or you feel he is lying because he's had time to dream up a story, simply say this kind of communication and stuff isn't what you need in a relationship, so are walking away. And do it.

I know you want him to be innocent and to keep going. However, you need very strong evidence to do this....and I'm sorry, but you haven't had it and what's happened so far suggests you won't get it.

goose1964 · 22/11/2017 17:19

It doesn't look good but it is possible it's nothing , has he been on a lads night out or down the rugby club? there is a drinking game when someone shouts a specific word - in our club it's thingies - you have to show a condom and the last one to do so has to down their pint.

I was also living with DH within 6 months and we're heading for our 30th wedding anniversary

Naughty1205 · 22/11/2017 17:19

He's lying. Don't invest anymore in this relationship, you're lucky it hasn't been longer, sorry he's a shit Flowers

Naughty1205 · 22/11/2017 17:20

I moved in with dh after 3 months and bought a house together 3 months later. Just had our 10th wedding anniversary. So I know what it's like when things move fast, no judgement from me, he's the dickhead.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 22/11/2017 17:21

I imagine once he comes out of the shower he'll have thought of a very reasonable reason why it's there? Good luck OP, I'd be very suspicious too.

ChocolateWombat · 22/11/2017 17:22

Goose - don't you think if what you suggested had happened, he might wonder aloud how it got there or at least show some curiosity about it. It's an unusual finding, not just like finding a sticker stuck to your shoe or a ladder in your tights, when you say 'I don't know how that happened' - it's a finding which requires more explanation and anyone, the OP or the BF would wonder about it......unless of course, they already knew the answer but didn't want to talk about it.

Floellabumbags · 22/11/2017 17:23

He's lying. I'm sorry Flowers

There's a chance he's covering up for a friend who's shagging around and doesn't want to be caught but it's not likely.

CarlHickbread · 22/11/2017 17:23

I’m sorry but posting a full stop on a thread like this is down right rude!

Laiste · 22/11/2017 17:24

I wonder how it's going?

(I'm on the exact same timetable as OP with DH as a builder)

I wonder what he said after the shower?

Was there no bluster? Or surprise? I'd be very surprised to find a random condom in my jeans and falling over myself to sooth my other half!

user1495832265 · 22/11/2017 17:25

there is a drinking game when someone shouts a specific word - in our club it's thingies - you have to show a condom and the last one to do so has to down their pint

In that case why did he not say that? If DH found a condom in my jeans and there was an innocent explanation, I’d tell him immediately.

As pp said, he’s now had shower time to “remember” how it got there.

Maplestaple · 22/11/2017 17:26

Ah that doesn't sound good. What did you say back to him?

user1495832265 · 22/11/2017 17:26

I'd be very surprised to find a random condom in my jeans and falling over myself to sooth my other half!

Exactly!

ChocolateWombat · 22/11/2017 17:28

Yes - he's bought time to dream up an answer.

It will be interesting to see if he now raises the issue with a lovely convincing story - you should call him on the fact he couldn't say it immediately but that the truth has just dawned on him.

He may wait for you to raise it again. And I would if he doesn't within half an hour - I'd leave the condom on the table or somewhere obvious as a prompt. And he may then give you the lovely clear answer. You reply the same that it's odd that he had no idea before but has suddenly remembered.

And if he still says he has no idea, call him on his trying to shut it down and why he doesn't have any curiosity about it and won't engage with your concerns.

DO NOT get into a discussion where he starts to blame you and say you don't trust him and have no reason. You don't need to justify your feelings or a choice to leave him. Simply say (and repeat as many times as needed) that you aren't satisfied with the explanation or lack of explanation and can't live in a relationship like that and so will be leaving. Don't engage in discussion where he tries to convince you. Keep repeating the above.

NaiceBiscuits · 22/11/2017 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBumps · 22/11/2017 17:29

I'm really sorry OP :(

I've been off sick today and followed your thread throughout the day, I really feel for you, and I was hoping you'd get answers to put your mind at rest.

Do you have a trusted friend you can talk this through with this evening, and work out what you'll do next?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 22/11/2017 17:32

I think he's lying. I'm so sorry OP, what a shithead Flowers

Feelings · 22/11/2017 17:34

Did you point out the fact he has two more in his drawer? They must of magically appeared! Hmm

Greenkit · 22/11/2017 17:34

CarlHickbread

Sorry wanted to place mark while i did something but didn't have time to write anything

He must be out the shower by now, unless he is thinking of a really good reason

MimsyFluff · 22/11/2017 17:36

You're six months into this relationship end it tonight or you'll always have that nagging feeling he has cheated and he'll get a pass to cheat on you forever.

SparklyMagpie · 22/11/2017 17:36

I'm sorry OP x

crazycatgal · 22/11/2017 17:36

He’s lying, sorry. Flowers

pictish · 22/11/2017 17:36

Oh totally lying. How often do you pull things out of your pocket that you've never seen before? Never! It's not a thing that happens except in stories spun by liars.

I'm really sorry fwiw. Thank God it's your house and you can turf him out if you choose to.

ElephantsandTigers · 22/11/2017 17:38

I'd be very cool towards him for a while until I decided what to do. Sorry OP.

If he's innocent he'll do all he can to reassure you and will understand how you feel. If he's rude, throws it back on you, accuses you of not trusting him or snooping then that's worse than owning up to a one night stand imo.

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