Cheeky Fuckery that I’m going to have to go along with....

[CurlsandCurves]

Keeping the details vague-ish in case the person I’m talking about is on here...

Family member is having a party to celebrate a specific event. Got the invite showing date, time, food will be on offer to guests. Then £xx.xx per head!

Am I wrong in the opinion that you don’t invite people to a party, then charge them for the privilege?

Thing is I’m going to have to go along with it, pay up and go because I love this person to bits and want to be there. Don’t feel I can say anything at risk of being called a bitch by other family members on their side, as I’m related by marriage, not by blood.

DH has no qualms about tackling them about it tho, so will be interesting to see what they have to say...

How cheeky!

What will happen if you don’t pay?

Depends on the event.

Come celebrate my 30th birthday = fair enough

Our wedding will cost £60 pp = CF

You definitely don’t ask people to pay to attend a party you are hosting!

Could it unfortunately clash with something really important?

At least they warned you. I went to a party where guests had to pay and was informed of this when I arrived.
Still think it is cheeky.

If I didn’t pay I wouldn’t go. They need payment by a certain date in order to confirm numbers with the venue.

I’d love to know where they’ve got this figure from in the first place if they don’t know how many are coming!

And I will be expected to bring a gift on top of that.

It’s very difficult like I said I do love this person, they are family, and they genuinely don’t see how flipping cheeky this is!

I think we need more details. It depends. I've been invited to celebrate friends birthdays with them and of course we all paid our way. But generally when people host a party they pay.

That's only acceptable if it's a pre-planned thing like Christmas [We have Christmas in our house as we're the only ones with space. The second year it was suggested that we just always have it here, but everyone chip in the cost as hosting 20+ every year isnt' really affordable]. Not just for a party they've organised all by themselves!!

This tends to happen with baby showers and other 'afternoon tea' type events more than others. I never mind because it's usually fairly cheap and a nice afternoon.

I had a similar thing with a friend’s baby shower which it turned out was held in a family owned venue and they supplied some nibbles - definitely didn’t eat enough to justify how much I paid.

I sucked it up but I do always notice that when they host we all chip in but they’re happy to come over and eat food at our house.

Take some Monopoly money and say you assumed paying was a joke,!!

What are they doing for it?

If it's "come to my house/hired space for a party with food and drink" then CF, but if it's "join DH and me and the kids ice skating at Somerset House on the 2nd Saturday in December for my birthday (btw - it's £25 each)" then that's different.

Apparently its the in thing now.
I know someone without a brass farthing to thier name and needed to save for new baby on the way (thats a whole other story, total head in the clouds waster) but thier partner decided they HAD to have a big birthday party.
They hired a venue with all the trimmings and charged everyone £30 for the privilege of attending!
I am not that close so thankfully wasnt invited. Its bloody ridiculous.

If you have other priorities you dont blackmail friends to pay for a big party for you.

A friend did this for her 30th with the request that the money was paid into her account. If we’d gone to a restaurant I wouldn’t have had any issue paying, I just wasn’t happy handing over money to her with no idea of the menu! I thought it was completely unreasonable and we actually fell out over it. I now wish I’d sucked it up and paid the money.

OP - It’s not ideal but I’d just do it to preserve the relationship. People can be really cheeky!!

CF indeed. I know a couple who were invited to Christmas day lunch at family members home and at the end of the meal, all the couples were given a bill for the food and drink they had consumed! I kid you not.

Just go anyway and if they question you just give the tinkly laugh and say “Oh you weren’t serious about that were you?!”

I think this is so fucking rude.

When people invite you to a party, and then AFTERWARDS say "Oh btw it'll be £10 from each of you, here is my sort code and account number".

Ask beforehand, or not at all!

I've never heard of such a thing, but I guess it's no different to being invited to "come and celebrate my birthday at xxx restaurant", where you will be expected to split the bill with all the other guests.
And in a way it's better, because at least you know beforehand how much you'll be paying...
But that also depends of course on how much the ticket costs!
And if the party is just at their house, then I'd say it's well out of order.

Why don't you just wait till your DH speaks to them, and see what they say? . It's a bit lame to think you "have to" go along with it because you love them so much.
They're not showing the same respect for your finer feelings, are they?
That's how people get away with this shit, because nobody wants to "upset" them by challenging things.

No, you don't have to go along with it. You make up some excuse why you can't go and send them a gift. The more people who indulge CFs like this, the more they proliferate.

Depends if it a a meal out you pay your way if it’s a party venue then the host is expected to pay for food. (Christmas at family houses is a different issue however guests should contribute to the meal wether it’s partial costs or a contribution of alcohol or dessert. So in regards to the other PP about Christmas dinner did your friends offer to help to the costs or bring something with them?

It depends, a lot, on what the party actually is. As a PP said, if it's let's go to the theatre together or a nice restaurant, people would generally expect to be paying for themselves. If someone without much spare cash wants to have a party and invite guests to bring food and drink to share, that's fair enough, as well.

I know you're worried about outing, OP, but can you clarify whether this invite involves paying for tickets to an event?

I think that's terrible.

We get round hosting the big family Christmas by one set of relations bringing the starters and the other the puddings and everyone is very happy with that arrangement. Maybe we're lucky.
Surely your relation could have done something similar, paid for a hall somewhere and some entertainment if wanted and then invited guests on the basis of no gifts but please bring along a plate of food for the team effort buffet.... could even request they bring something specific.

I've not been invited to one of these "parties" where you end up paying, but I certainly would say something if not warned in advance that that was the deal. Completely different in my opinion to a group of you going out for a meal to celebrate someone's birthday where I would expect to pay my share.

This depends, if it's a meal out and the place charges £xx for a set menu that you choose on the night, then fair enough. I would also expect to pay for my own drinks at a venue for someone's birthday, engagement etc. Need more details really.

If this a party at the hosts home then I would say you can only ask for a bottle or a plate for sharing. Definitely rude to charge people.