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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky Fuckery that I’m going to have to go along with....

88 replies

CurlsandCurves · 20/11/2017 17:39

Keeping the details vague-ish in case the person I’m talking about is on here...

Family member is having a party to celebrate a specific event. Got the invite showing date, time, food will be on offer to guests. Then £xx.xx per head!

Am I wrong in the opinion that you don’t invite people to a party, then charge them for the privilege?

Thing is I’m going to have to go along with it, pay up and go because I love this person to bits and want to be there. Don’t feel I can say anything at risk of being called a bitch by other family members on their side, as I’m related by marriage, not by blood.

DH has no qualms about tackling them about it tho, so will be interesting to see what they have to say...

OP posts:
Ishouldbedoingsomething · 21/11/2017 07:33

If they want a gift they should pay

Or you could deduct the price of the event from the gift you were going to get - or turn up with no gift and say you used the money for the gift to pay for the event

I think it’s tight to have a “big” event (including big birthday etc) and make people pay when you are also expected to bring a bigger gift, dress up, hair done etc

Don’t mind paying when it’s “hey come out and help me celebrate my birthday” but do when it’s a formal invite and they want to go somewhere posh (same with destination weddings Angry.....

hellofresh · 21/11/2017 07:42

I think it is rude. If you don't have the budget don't hold the party.

The only exception where I'd be ok with it is where someone has been tasked with holding a big event at their house because they have the most room. Say an anniversary party for a parent, inviting the whole family. I went to one of those. The host must have spent at least £400 on food and drink. I wasn't asked but I would have happily paid.

BMW6 · 21/11/2017 08:12

Depends how much they are asking for and what is going to be supplied for that - £10 for venue, cup of tea and sarnie OK, £30 for venue, buffet and glass of wine OK, ......

BMW6 · 21/11/2017 08:14

Posted too soon....
Basically are you being asked to just cover some of the cost or are guests being asked to cover ALL the cost (and poss make a profit for the "hosts")?

Nyx1 · 21/11/2017 08:24

sleeponeday "But if it's someone else organising I don't see an issue? It's a nice thing to do for them."

not really....I'd be horrified if I thought someone had organised this for me and was charging my friends to attend. If the person who is the centre of the party has no idea you can't know what they think of it.

BackInTheRoom · 21/11/2017 09:02

Yes I'd go and pay but I would not give a gift. This'll keep the peace and you'll feel better about the whole thing. If you DH gets involved, they'll take it so personally and is it worth upsetting the fam for a baby shower?!

smurfit · 21/11/2017 09:30

Kinda normal for me. A friend threw a shower for our other friend. Said it was $xx each. I wouldn't expect her to have paid for it all, it was a nice thing to do for our friend, the first one simply used the phone to organise it.

Saying someone shouldn't have a baby shower if they can't afford to cater it is a bit mean really. Personally, I go everywhere prepared to pay my way... to expect otherwise would make me the CF wouldn't it? Etiquette is so hard sometimes!

bunbunny · 21/11/2017 09:32

Is it costing significantly more than you would expect?

I would be tempted to call the venue to see how much they are charging to know exactly how much they are trying to profit from you!

SarahJConnor · 21/11/2017 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/11/2017 11:46

Asking guests to pay to attend a party which has bringing gifts to the hostess as it's sole purpose is audacious in the extreme.
In fact, it's quite socially gauche.
I'd be mortified to be any part of it. please tell me she has a list of approved gifts, too?!

kootoo123 · 21/11/2017 15:54

Sarahjconnor wow that is beyond cheeky. I honestly dont know how some people have friends. We we once invited to a bbq where host asked us to bring and drink or food we want to eat and they would supply the coal. Fair enough we generall take alcohol and often a pack of burgers or some random food for pple to try but these people did nothing. Not even salad, sauce cheese buns etc and then expected the guests to leave undrunk alcohol and food not cooked...which is generally accepted as norm but only when host has actually spend some money on their bbq.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2017 17:05

'Saying someone shouldn't have a baby shower if they can't afford to cater it is a bit mean really.'

You do a bring and share. It doesn't have to be catered. It was traditionally a nibbles and cake affair in the mid-afternoon.

pisacake · 21/11/2017 17:12

I had a similar thing sarahjconnor, but said person is more dedicated. Basically she was doing some 'art' which basically amounted to an exotic foreign holiday for her, so she held a party where she asked for 'donations' for her holiday, sorry art project, and people going to the party had to bring the food & drink as well.

Iwanttobeanonymous · 21/11/2017 17:18

The in laws had a party in a local club. We expected that it would be a pay bar, which it was. There was no food "because people will have eaten" and no music or entertainment...

Dramaqueenbee · 22/11/2017 17:33

Myself and my husband were invited to a 40 th birthday party at a swanky hotel. We turned up with an expensive aftershave and card. After the party as we were about to leave a member of the guys family came up to us asking us to pay a share towards the cost. We were gobsmacked....!

mrsdarcey78 · 22/11/2017 17:34

We apparently were not good enough to be invited to my cousins wedding, or the party afterwards, but we could come to the party after the honeymoon, only if we paid enough to go! and it did specify the amount and that it should be cash only! suffice to say we didn't go.

RhiannonOHara · 22/11/2017 17:34

You do not have to pay.

And I will be expected to bring a gift on top of that.
In the words of Bernard Black, they can expect away!

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 22/11/2017 17:35

YANBU. Don't go.

youarenotkiddingme · 22/11/2017 17:38

Baby showers an odd one to charge for!

In my family if we do meals for birthdays it’s “ eating at x place. Deposit required etc” or if meal we know it’s pay for selves. But there’s about 50 if we all go!

Baby showers are arranged by siblings.
It’s usually BAB - or bring a plate.

BBQ are usually - provide own meat/alcohol - but people always bring more than their family will need and hosts keep leftovers. Usually it appears at next one Grin

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 17:39

Do people who get asked for cash after the fact, with no warning, actually pay up? Because I'd laugh. I probably wouldn't have any money to pay them, either, especially a bring and share+BYOB.

Turquoise123 · 22/11/2017 17:45

I don't see a problem - they are being clear. You don't have to go . You don't have to think it's a good way or a bad way to through a party. You don't have to have a view . It's how they are choosing to behave . No view

Viviennemary · 22/11/2017 17:49

That's cheeky but not uncommon these days it appears. If you send out an invitation to somebody to come to a meal then the host pays. Anything else is just cheapskate. If you can't afford to pay don't invite people. Simple.

Halfdrankbrew · 22/11/2017 17:59

I'd expect to pay for myself at a baby shower, they tend to be an afternoon tea type of thing, that seems reasonable. I didn't have one myself, I find them quite cheeky especially if you've not long since got married and are planning on christening the child too, it gets very £££ people celebrating your life events!

My mil had a big birthday this year, my fil organised a meal and a party at a hotel 2 hours drive away from where we all live for friends and family. We had to pay for the meal which was a set menu as there was so many of us and we paid for a night in the hotel. I never questioned it at the time but we basically spent £200 for the pleasure of attending Hmm.

diddl · 22/11/2017 18:06

If it's a meet up somewhere nice & say afternoon tea, I wouldn't mind.

I'm guessing that you don't have to eat?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/11/2017 18:45

No view, Turquoise? Of course people have views on things happening around or to them, they always have and always will.
It would be a very odd bod indeed who didn't give any headspace at all to things which weren't strictly their business...

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