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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about friend who’s in love with a prostitute

91 replies

Malpais · 20/11/2017 08:32

I have a close friend who I’ve known most of my life and see several times a year for drinks or dinner either just us or with my DP. About a year ago my friend started talking about a girl he was seeing - I was really happy for him, he seemed head over heels and has never had a serious relationship. We extended all invitations to her but the usual response is “I don’t think she’d want to do that”.

A few months ago while drunk, he confessed to DP she is a prostitute and made him promise not to tell me (I’ve told DP it wasn’t acceptable to betray his trust, but the damage is done). I assumed that was simply her line of work which tbh I don’t have any issue with, not my business.

However I saw this friend on Saturday and I casually enquired after her. He said he had seen her the week before, told me about the gifts he’d bought her for Christmas. I asked if he’d stayed with her (she lives local to me, he does not) but no he had stayed in a hostel. I know she owns a flat he has mentioned being there before. I was particularly concerned when he mentioned cashing in all his shares.

It’s really none of my business but I think he’s being fleeced by this woman. I know that may just be her job, but I’m haunted by the way he speaks about her. It sounds just like true love. Except I’m pretty sure he only sees her when hes paying for her time. There’s no way I can talk to him without ruining our friendship is there?

OP posts:

BulletFox · 20/11/2017 08:35

I don't really get why he told your DP and not you? This makes it a bit awkward

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/11/2017 08:36

Being fleeced? Oh please! She's doing a job and he's an idiot. If he had any respect for women in general he wouldn't see a prostitute anyway. Fool and their money... 😂

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/11/2017 08:37

It's "man talk". You know, cause he's a misogynistic creep.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/11/2017 08:40

Is your friend Jesus.

Original poster

Malpais · 20/11/2017 08:40

I think I know why he told DP - the last time I’d seen him before that I gave him a massive dressing down about taking work clients to a strip club. About it being objectifying, seedy and asking how can he enjoy himself knowing the dancers feel nothing but disgust and contempt for him. He knows I’m not a fan of the industry. He finds it hard to meet women so I can see how this has happened, but I think he’s stuck in a fantasy world and I’m worried that DP and I are the only people who know.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 20/11/2017 08:41

Is your friend vulnerable or isolated in any way?

Why is it, do you think he's never had a serious relationship?

How old is he?

Osolea · 20/11/2017 08:41

You're probably right that your friend is being taken advantage of, but unfortunately all you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces if/when it goes wrong.

whiskyowl · 20/11/2017 08:45

So let me make sure I've understood: he's exploiting her, and she's exploiting him back?

nowt · 20/11/2017 08:49

He’s a deluded fool, who has zero respect or interest in women as human beings, just wants his fantasy and is willing to pay for it.

Birdsgottafly · 20/11/2017 08:53

X post, he's justified his use of the "Adult sex industry". You won't change that.

He has created a fanasty to cover up what is going on. That doesn't mean he is being exploited.

He may like his sex life being a transaction. When they hire the Women, they own them for the time period, stop seeing him as a Victim.

Prostitutes have a short working life span, they have to earn what they can.

Sorry, but it would change my opinion of him.

Original poster

Malpais · 20/11/2017 08:55

He’s 26. Isolated in the sense that he lives in a tiny rural town working from home in a male dominated industry.

He’s genuinely lovely. Very intelligent, kind and caring, fit and attractive but as awful as it sounds he is not white and I expect that’s a barrier to forming relationships where he lives currently. He can come across TOO nice to new people and I’ve seen women put off by this (he’s genuinely very complimentary to everyone but it can seem a bit “much” if you don’t know him). I expect he was lonely. And tried to objectify her but failed and developed feelings. He’s only ever spoken about her personality, creativity and ambitions - never her body or looks. I honestly think he loves her.

OP posts:

Fraying · 20/11/2017 08:57

There's nothing you can say to him. He knows you disapprove of the sex industry. You told him the women feel nothing but contempt for the men. You'd just be reiterating all of that and since he didn't listen the first time, there is no reason he would listen this time.
What did your DP say to him about it?

brasty · 20/11/2017 08:58

No he is not genuinely lovely. He is a misogynist who is buying a woman and is presenting his one sided "relationship" as being in love. Deserves everything he gets.

Original poster

Malpais · 20/11/2017 08:59

I’m disgusted by the intentions he went into this arrangement with, but now he’s buying her gifts, taking her to meals and shows to spend quality time together, I know he’s spent money on hotels but last time he saw her he took her on a night out then went home alone to a hostel - I don’t think it’s about sex any more.

OP posts:

brasty · 20/11/2017 08:59

And he does not know the real her, so he does not lover her, only a persona.

WhatwouldAryado · 20/11/2017 09:00

An ex of a friend became obsessed with a stripper/ prostitute. Convinced himself he was special to her. He spent everything on her. It was laughable how pathetic he was object of ridicule to most of his friends as he was always bragging how she said he was good in bed etc. She was paid to. He just didn't get it.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2017 09:06

but I think he’s stuck in a fantasy world and I’m worried that DP and I are the only people who know.

Oh I wouldn't worry about that now you've posted it on a public internet forum.

Who knows? It may be in the Daily Mail or on Matthew Wright's show by tomorrow.

Fraying · 20/11/2017 09:09

I don't think it's about sex any more
Why are you creating a fantasy relationship for him? He isn't telling you about the fact she is a prostitute so all that's left to tell you about is the 'grand romance'. That doesn't mean he's falling for the story that he is telling you.
What did you DP say to him?

Birdsgottafly · 20/11/2017 09:12

I think you're a bit deluded in your opinion of him, tbh.

With online dating there is the opportunity for anyone to meet someone.

Being over complimentary can mean that a person lacks sincerity, you could be giving him too much 'benefit of the doubt'.

There wasn't an excuse or need to take work clients to strip clubs. If he can go there, he can go to pubs/clubs and meet Women.

Wake up to who he is.

whiskyowl · 20/11/2017 09:13

There are something like 70,000 prostitutes in the UK. You have to be incredibly sheltered to think this guy or the woman he's involved with are personally identifiable from this story.

juneau · 20/11/2017 09:16

Since you're not supposed to know I think your DP should talk to him and gently suggest that she's just doing her job - and that doesn't include falling in love with her clients. She no doubt IS taking advantage of him, but then he's paying her for sex, so he's also taking advantage of her. If he is genuinely a bit vulnerable and naive though I think a good friend, such as your DP, should try to make him see sense. He probably won't - at least not yet - as being 'in love' makes people behave irrationally and leaves their brains at the door, but as long as your DP is careful what he says, so as not to alienate him, I think it's a good mate's job to try and make him see sense.

LostSight · 20/11/2017 09:17

Well if it isn’t, maybe she will leave her current occupation to be with him.

If not, he knew what he was getting into. He is an adult. If he wants to spend his money on her, then that is his right. People do fall in love and make fools of themselves. He won’t hear what you tell him, even if you choose to talk to him about it. If it’s his money he’s spending, then it’s not your problem or business.

Birdsgottafly · 20/11/2017 09:18

X post.

Whilst she is with him, she's his, that's what a lot of these men want, even if the sex has stopped, it's very creepy and unhealthy.

Any clothes/jewellery bought, is just dressing your Barbie doll.

I'd be too disgusted not to say something. But it would be a chat, which would involve a lot of listening.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/11/2017 09:18

*Is your friend Jesus

Dunno but this story is the basis of a dozen cheap novels.

brasty · 20/11/2017 09:23

He will be buying a "girlfriend experience". Where a woman is paid to behave like his idea of a perfect girlfriend. Rather than a real person with their own likes and dislikes and emotions.
Buy him Pretty Women as a xmas present, as he seems to be presenting his life as some stupid Hollywood plot.
And I repeat, he is not a lovely man.

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