To be worried about friend who’s in love with a prostitute

[Malpais]

I have a close friend who I’ve known most of my life and see several times a year for drinks or dinner either just us or with my DP. About a year ago my friend started talking about a girl he was seeing - I was really happy for him, he seemed head over heels and has never had a serious relationship. We extended all invitations to her but the usual response is “I don’t think she’d want to do that”.

A few months ago while drunk, he confessed to DP she is a prostitute and made him promise not to tell me (I’ve told DP it wasn’t acceptable to betray his trust, but the damage is done). I assumed that was simply her line of work which tbh I don’t have any issue with, not my business.

However I saw this friend on Saturday and I casually enquired after her. He said he had seen her the week before, told me about the gifts he’d bought her for Christmas. I asked if he’d stayed with her (she lives local to me, he does not) but no he had stayed in a hostel. I know she owns a flat he has mentioned being there before. I was particularly concerned when he mentioned cashing in all his shares.

It’s really none of my business but I think he’s being fleeced by this woman. I know that may just be her job, but I’m haunted by the way he speaks about her. It sounds just like true love. Except I’m pretty sure he only sees her when hes paying for her time. There’s no way I can talk to him without ruining our friendship is there?

I just can't imagine maintaining a friendship with a man who uses prostitutes. I'd feel physically sick being in the same room as him. He can't have any clue if she genuinely likes him or not, even if she is his 'girlfriend.'

mobile.nytimes.com/1998/08/18/science/many-prostitutes-suffer-combat-disorder-study-finds.html

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/9698636/

You’d be better off saving your worry for the woman your friend is exploiting tbh. The statistics in the above links are just horrifying

I don’t see him as a victim. I don’t blame her for anything she’s done or accepted. I’m just worried about the emotional consequences for him (and her!) and want to make myself available for non-judgemental support. It’s terrible that’s society tells men this is an option, and coerces vulnerable women into seeing it as one as well. I do however have faith in my friends character that he sees her as human with a consensual, mutually beneficial relationship which I appreciate is near on impossible to comprehend a without knowing him. He’s deeply invested in her long term goals and is actively supporting her. I think they met through his desperation and gets attention from her in a way he’s never had before, it’s foolish to be seduced in that way but not incomprehensible.

I never thought I could be friends with a man who use prostitues either. This is hard to reconcile with my own moral compass. I don’t feel I can judge though, there’s still the possibility that he doesn’t pay for sex. I won’t know unless he tells me.

You didn't worry about this woman at all despite knowing how your friend feels about women.

You started worrying when his finances were in jeopardy.

His money is the least of the problem.

last time he saw her he took her on a night out then went home alone to a hostel
Probably because she charges a very high fee for spending the night together?

I think there is a huge risk to her that he will turn into a dangerous stalker.

DH needs to talk bluntly to him but then it's up to him. But someone does need to be frank.

Or you could say that you weaselled the info out of a reluctant Dh and have the chat yourself.

With all due respect, she can, and currently is, making her own decisions

I am not concerned about his finances. It’s a symptom of his situation though. She may be doing this work to support a mortgage/child/studying and maybe he helps her out with treats and events to help relieve the pressure. Maybe it’s part of a “girlfriend” package. It’s not really my business. I hadn’t heard much about her in a while so I thought it had all wound down until he mentioned supporting her at this event. He is present in her personal life, possibly her professional life too. I expect her judgment is good enough to make those decisions for herself. I’m not even remotely worried about him being a “stalker”, that’s being a bit hysterical with the facts presented here.

Perhaps they have a sugar daddy and sugar baby setup?

I just can't imagine maintaining a friendship with a man who uses prostitutes

^ This. He doesn't sound 'genuinely lovely'. In fact, he sounds like a bit of a creep.

This sounds more like a sugar daddy/baby set up than a straight prostitute/punter relationship. By no means any more tasteful or meaningful, however it is more of an upfront arrangement. Both parties usually know exactly what they’re getting out of it, whether sex is involved or not.

‘Sugar Daddy’ = middle aged man who doesn’t want to accept that he is the sort of sleazy creep who has sex with prostitutes.

‘Sugar Baby’ = middle class student who doesn’t want to accept that she is a prostitute.

I have seen a similar case, where I acted professionally for a man with family money in the background. He also lives in a small town, single (late 30's), and the circumstances in which they met are not clear, but bottom dollar would say he found her (when 21) on the Internet for sex, looking at the background. Things went from there and he was certainly manipulated by her financially while of course she was manipulated for his sexual gratification. They had some form of deal going, he bought her cars, horses, holidays, opened a beauty salon for her and gave her an allowance and finally they eventually married. After 15 months they separated and became divorced, total of about 3 years together. The paperwork had shown that before marrying he had transferred £230k to her as 'gifts' and the parting cost him a little over £1 million. The family money was tied up in trust, though had to be used to settle things. She used to travel back to London most weekends to meet her friends and have her social life, much to his annoyance and leading to the split.

The paperwork had shown that before marrying he had transferred £230k to her as 'gifts'
thats a nice big tax free income!

Just leave it. He's a prostitute user who doesn't mind paying for the girlfriend experience. You say he's intelligent so he knows exactly what he's doing, you telling him he's being taken for a ride won't change that. Tbh I think he deserves to be fleeced if he's willing to pay for 'companionship' and sex.