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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about friend who’s in love with a prostitute

91 replies

Malpais · 20/11/2017 08:32

I have a close friend who I’ve known most of my life and see several times a year for drinks or dinner either just us or with my DP. About a year ago my friend started talking about a girl he was seeing - I was really happy for him, he seemed head over heels and has never had a serious relationship. We extended all invitations to her but the usual response is “I don’t think she’d want to do that”.

A few months ago while drunk, he confessed to DP she is a prostitute and made him promise not to tell me (I’ve told DP it wasn’t acceptable to betray his trust, but the damage is done). I assumed that was simply her line of work which tbh I don’t have any issue with, not my business.

However I saw this friend on Saturday and I casually enquired after her. He said he had seen her the week before, told me about the gifts he’d bought her for Christmas. I asked if he’d stayed with her (she lives local to me, he does not) but no he had stayed in a hostel. I know she owns a flat he has mentioned being there before. I was particularly concerned when he mentioned cashing in all his shares.

It’s really none of my business but I think he’s being fleeced by this woman. I know that may just be her job, but I’m haunted by the way he speaks about her. It sounds just like true love. Except I’m pretty sure he only sees her when hes paying for her time. There’s no way I can talk to him without ruining our friendship is there?

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/11/2017 10:10

So he has bought himself a girlfriend and has deluded himself into believing that it’s true love while ignoring the issue that he has paid a women to satisfy his needs

Yes he will probably get hurt and she will probably get all she can out of him he is a fool but nothing you can do when people foolishly delude themselves about love

Happyemoji · 20/11/2017 10:12

Did you read Worra post before it got deleted missiondecision. Some people have no class.

kaytee87 · 20/11/2017 10:13

I can’t get too worked up that a man who would use a prostitute might be exploited.

SlowlyShrinking · 20/11/2017 10:15

IF this is true, he could try on line dating like everyone else instead of paying for sexual access to a woman’s body. I have no sympathy for him tbh.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2017 10:15

Yep that's me - totally classless Grin

And if telling a chippy poster on the internet, to go do something personal with a houseplant is considered bullying, I must be pretty out of touch.

Either that or the definition of bullying has completely changed...

paxillin · 20/11/2017 10:20

Well I fainted 'cause I'm dead classy like that.

missiondecision · 20/11/2017 10:22

Oh the cactus thing.... I’m really not classy then cos that me laugh ! Missed the point I think... but
“Bullying”?? Hmm..

Original poster
Malpais · 20/11/2017 10:30

Thanks for the concern but if he’s on mumsnet, the daily fucking fail or whatever daytime trash ‘Matthew wright’ is that’s a whole new concern in itself 😂

The strip club was requested by clients as part of his overseas trip (not unusual according to mumsnet), didn’t stop me giving him a piece of my mind over it.

I do believe this is a transaction they are both happy with. She invites him out (yes I’ve seen evidence of this), or vice versa, he pays. From my own deductions I don’t think it’s even possible for sexual services to take place during some of their meetings. As revolting as it all is, I think the patriarchy plays a part, I’ve seen him teased about his virginity by other men.

I think I’ll just drop him a text thanking him for seeing me and reiterating that I am someone he can open up to if he chooses. He’s been there for me through a myriad of terrible choices and I’m reluctant to write him off when this is likely to be a blip and I believe he deserves the kind of companionship most of us take for granted.

And he’s never called her his girlfriend - but does support her with her interests outside of work.

OP posts:
Happyemoji · 20/11/2017 10:41

That poster disagrees with you so you call them names. Maybe thats why you come on here to make yourself feel better.

Original poster
Malpais · 20/11/2017 10:41

I know they have got Airbnb’s before, they’ve had holidays together too. In this instance he definitely stayed in a hostel alone following an (expensive) event in line with her personal interests. Reading between the lines I think she had work afterwards.

It’s possible that she is a prostitute by trade but they are conducting a non-financial relationship, but that seems unlikely and he’s not clarified.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 10:43

If a poster wants to make fool of herself it’s no skin off my nose. But I appreciate the concern.

As per the OP, as long as he’s happy with it, and until he runs out of money he’s not going to listen to you. Credit to you for sticking by him I think he’ll need your help in the future.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2017 10:55

I haven't name called anyone Happyemoji as you well know if you saw the deleted post...

DearMrDilkington · 20/11/2017 11:00

Wait, he lost his virginity to her or he hasn't slept with many people?

Happyemoji · 20/11/2017 11:09

Argumentative as well maybe I should call you chippy.

Anyway op he is lucky to have a caring friend like yourself. I doubt that it's anything apart from business or else you would have met her by now.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 20/11/2017 11:16

She's not fleecing him she presumably just wants paying for her services. That's only fair. Assuming she's up front she wants paying and isn't forging his signature or robbing him she's not doing anything wrong.

Ttbb · 20/11/2017 11:18

While there is something inherently amoral about what the prostitute has done one can hardly expect the moral high ground here. She doesn't seem to love him and he seems to know that but I doubt that he will accept that until all his money is gone and she has refused to see him. There really isn't much that you can here.

Rachie1973 · 20/11/2017 11:23

Who knows if he's paying? Of course he could well be, but no-one knows for sure.

Believe it or not prostitutes can also have relationships outside of a job!

As for the clients and strip clubs, unless you have a vested interest in his business, ie you work there too, or part own it, then I think you need to butt out of that.

EmilyChambers79 · 20/11/2017 11:24

Thanks for the concern but if he’s on mumsnet, the daily fucking fail or whatever daytime trash ‘Matthew wright’ is that’s a whole new concern in itself

I think it was referring to the fact the Daily Mail often get their stories from on here and run them on their news site, not that your friend frequents the sites.

If the Daily Mail picks this up, the whole world could read it if they wished.

FritzDonovan · 20/11/2017 11:25

It’s possible that she is a prostitute by trade but they are conducting a non-financial relationship, but that seems unlikely and he’s not clarified.
Yes, it's hardly non financial if he's taking her out to events she (but presumably not he) is interested in, and is buying her gifts, is it?
I dont actually think he's deluded - if he just said he 'was seeing' her but didn't say she was his girlfriend, sounds like he's perfectly happy paying for her company even when sex isn't involved. Good for her, but he presents as a sad loser.

Original poster
Malpais · 20/11/2017 11:46

I don’t blame her at all! Another friend of mine has done escorting work and has had some horrible, horrible clients, my friend can’t be that bad if they have an ongoing relationship financial or otherwise. She’s entitled to make money any legal way she likes, including from my friend.

I’m just worried he’s in a fantasy that runs deeper than he expected it to, and that maybe he feels the need to keep up pretences. Or just needs a massive word-slap to wake him up. Before I knew about her work I was delighted he’d found someone he felt so strongly about. They text 24/7, he may be a customer but she at least keeps up the pretence of caring about him personally.

OP posts:
Happyemoji · 20/11/2017 12:01

He's a good customer and I think most who are in the business would love a customer like your friend. She is providing the girlfriend experience. Some of these women have families to bring up and their trying to pay if the mortgage or they use it to pay of university fees. She obviously enjoys what she does but it's not forever. Your friend will one day be ringing a dead number because she's done what she's had to do and settle down with someone.

AngelsSins · 20/11/2017 12:04

He pays for access to a vulnerable woman's body and you're worried that he's the one being taken advantage of?! Just because he suddenly developed feelings for this woman who he doesn't know (or genuinely care for) doesn't mean she's suddenly taking advantage of him by accepting payment for her services from him. He sounds like a creep with a really unhealthy view of women, and you are coming down on the wrong side of this by seeing him as a victim.

How many women do you think would really make a completely free choice to sell themselves to strangers for sex?

SlowlyShrinking · 20/11/2017 12:10

I can’t quite decide what would be worse: having to let a man who you don’t fancy, and would never want to have sex with if you didn’t need the money, put his penis inside you and grunt away on top of you,
Or: do all of the above but also having to go to the emotional effort of pretending to like the exploitative pos and have to make conversation with him too 🤔

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/11/2017 12:16

She obviously enjoys what she does

How do you know that Happy becuase she tells her clients that she does

SlowlyShrinking · 20/11/2017 12:20

I can’t remember what percentage of prostituted women have ptsd, but iirc it’s higher than the percentage of soldiers who’ve seen active service in war zones and developed ptsd. I really really don’t think it’s enjoyable.