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AIBU?

Dad taking dd to ladies toilet

550 replies

AdaHopper · 18/11/2017 21:05

MN - help dh and I with a disagreement please.

When dd(4) needs the loo in a public place, he takes her to the ladies' loos. I told him that women don't like that and he should take her to the men's loo. Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 18/11/2017 22:35

If the disabled loos double up as changing facilities, I think it is okay to use in this situation because they are not only for disabled users but also for changing.

If they are doubled up (and since having a child with sn you realise why this is such a bad idea) you use the changing station to change a baby but the disabled look is still a disabled loo. It's not a family toilet Unless it's labelled family loo. There excepts of course in the same way as in occasion a man might end up in a ladies look or vice versa.

I quite often do that with my child as trying to fit a woman and a child in a tiny cubicle and trying to open and shut the door is very hard

You are the kind of people I really object to. Try cleaning up a ten year old whose in a mess with constipation and potential soiling because the disabled loo is taken up some selfish twit like you thinks it's hard using a regular cubicle in a with their toddler.

And yes I have actually been in this position.

You have no clue. Get out the disabled loo you are making someone whose life is already hard 100x harder.

kali110 · 18/11/2017 22:36

Using the disabled toilet is not the correct way Hmm

GretchenFranklin · 18/11/2017 22:37

Why are men's loos so grim?

I went into the loos at my son's all boys school recently and I could have had a picnic in there it was so lovely.

twinjocks · 18/11/2017 22:37

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. I can't believe how many posters are freaking out about - gasp - a man seeing a bunch of women queueing, washing their hands and doing their make-up. I bet he's impressed by the fact that most women do actually wash their hands!!!

kali110 · 18/11/2017 22:38

(Obv excluding ones that are also changing ones) but advising the op to simply use the disabled loo is not on.

Fuckit2017 · 18/11/2017 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/11/2017 22:40

Why is it always reduced to someone having to have a problem.

The only problem seems to he that people can't read a sign or think they are somehow exempt from having to be respectful.

isitthestew · 18/11/2017 22:42

My dd refuses to go in with me to the gents and insists on going to the ladies. It's actually a complete nightmare. You're not really making it easier.

Toffeelatteplease · 18/11/2017 22:43

Fuckit2017

That would be the exception. You're in there anyway.

FruitCider · 18/11/2017 22:44

* You are the kind of people I really object to.

Honestly I’m really sorry! I didn’t realise 45 seconds could make such a difference, I do now. Now I know, I can change what I do x

Inertia · 18/11/2017 22:46

Adults use the loos appropriate to their sex, child goes with the adult.

Or in your particular case, you take DD to the loo and DH gathers up the stuff, which would avoid the issue occurring for you (though appreciate it can be an issue for other families).

Family loos/ changing rooms are the way forward here.

dantdmistedious · 18/11/2017 22:49

He should have gathered the stuff and you take dd.

Fuckit2017 · 18/11/2017 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toffeelatteplease · 18/11/2017 22:52

My dd refuses to go in with me to the gents and insists on going to the ladies. It's actually a complete nightmare. You're not really making it easier.

Yes in less urgent situations I have this with DS. One of the reasons I've ended up in the male toilets on occassion when I've had to go in and rescue him cos he hasn't reappeared. The men have been really good about it, I've also had men reassure me he's on his way when I've been on the verge of going in and I'm hanging around literally outside the door. My experience of mens toilets is that their full of decent human beings.

However the simple fact is that it's a hell of a lot easier to respect the opposite genders privacy as a man in a ladies toilet than vice versa. Cubicles makes a big difference

ReanimatedSGB · 18/11/2017 22:56

I would have thought that even the most obsessively anti-trans person would be able to cope with the idea that a man leading a small girl into the ladies' loo was simply taking his DD (or a little girl he was the adult in charge of) to the loo, rather than getting his jollies.

Fruitcorner123 · 18/11/2017 22:59

my DH takes DD in the mens' all the time. If he knows they are particularly grim he will find somewhere else nearby for her to go or if I am there I will have to take her. Are mens really that bad in most of the places you would take kids? I can remember going in mens with my dad and it hasn't mentally scarred me.

Fruitcorner123 · 18/11/2017 23:03

Someone was done at my local leisure centre because the whole changing area is mixed sex with separate cubicles, none of which go down to the floor and someone was videoing underneath the cubicles around him.

Yes we had the same thing happen at ours. If you are happy for a dad to come in with his DD then surely the solution is to make toilets unisex but expect there to be a higher rate of cases like this.

AdaHopper · 18/11/2017 23:04

Reanimated - I think that's how DH sees it. Hebshrugs his shoulders when I ask him not to.
I'm not sure why he does this. He never did when dd1(10) was small.
So - to show him this theead or not.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 18/11/2017 23:09

reanimated

I am not anti-trans. The toilet thing (and the changing room thing) for me are about MEN pretending to be trans so that they can gain access to the women only areas. Allowing places to be unisex opens the floodgates for all MEN to have access. It stands to reason that if all men have access a few of those men will be perverts. I believe 98% of sex crimes are committed by men.

If somebody has actually transitioned they should obviously have access to the womens areas but they already do. The law doesnt need to change to accommodate this.

Toffeelatteplease · 18/11/2017 23:14

I didn’t realise 45 seconds could make such a difference,

Oh god yes.

DS often has little idea of what the bodily sensations mean until it's really urgent. Worse when he's badly constipated and medication is trying to clear it through.

But it's my embarrassment too. If the disabled is full he wont stop he will literally run to the nearest loo available with me trailing behind apologising to the large queue of tutting ladies he's just barged past or trying to find him in the gents whilst having my eyes steadfastly on the ground and apologising for the intrusion. If he's not walking well that day, I'll be doing it with a thundering great big wheelchair.

We might have had to do it 2-3 times in the last hour too.

We have on occasion had to wait eg if the main loos are up stairs and we can't do stair that day. But it's a really nerve wrecking experience.

But no reason why you would know until you've experienced it. I'd never even considered the possibility I'd be crawling around a public lavatory changing a nappy (because DS was larger than the baby change weight limit ) until I did it. Thankfully those days were short for us but I have friends still doing it.

I was a great fan of mixed baby change/disabled toilets. Much less so now. Different life experiences

FruitCider · 18/11/2017 23:16

Toffee thanks for taking the time to explain to me in a non patronising and non rude way, these things often get heated and communication gets shut down.

Toffeelatteplease · 18/11/2017 23:22

Allowing places to be unisex opens the floodgates for all MEN to have access

But the more rigid we are about situations like whether a man ends up with their children in a ladies loo the more necessary unisex stuff becomes. If we cant accept exceptions which do exist in life then unisex has to become the rule.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/11/2017 23:31

It's a public place though you can't have so many stipulations when there is no one there to police it.

It has to be rigid.

Men's
Women's
Unisex

Inertia · 18/11/2017 23:40

But the women's loo wasn't the only loo in the building- they could have gone into the men's. If the dad had had his wits about him he could have checked ahead with any men already in there whether they were on their way out if he didn't want her to see men in the bathroom.

The problem isn't that we think a dad with his young daughter is going to get up to no good in the women's toilets- and that isn't really the whole story with transwomen either. The problem arises when women's loos become the default option for everyone to use (men with small daughters, men with sons who don't want their son in the gents either, men who prefer the babychange in the women's loo to the one in the men's as described by a poster above, men pretending to be transwomen, men taking advantage of the fact that nobody dares question them nowadays ). For some women, it isn't a problem if men are in the women's loos. For many women and girls, for whatever reason, it is a problem- and the OP's husband has demonstrated that actually his decision as the man cannot be questioned, and the other women and girls are inconsequential.

KathyBeale · 18/11/2017 23:46

I went to the loo at the cinema the other day and when I came out of my cubicle a man was standing right outside the door (waiting for his daughter who was in the cubicle next to mine). It gave me such a shock because I wasn’t expecting to see a man there.

I definitely think men should take daughters into the men’s loos. I’m not one for frequenting the men’s myself but I’m fairly sure they don’t flap their willies about at the urinals - and they would have their backs to the room anyway. I have sons and I have always taken them to the ladies with me.

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