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AIBU?

Dad taking dd to ladies toilet

550 replies

AdaHopper · 18/11/2017 21:05

MN - help dh and I with a disagreement please.

When dd(4) needs the loo in a public place, he takes her to the ladies' loos. I told him that women don't like that and he should take her to the men's loo. Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 18/11/2017 23:46

But the women's loo wasn't the only loo in the building- they could have gone into the men's. If the dad had had his wits about him he could have checked ahead with any men already in there whether they were on their way out if he didn't want her to see men in the bathroom

Exactly

And just how long would men's loos remain so awful if the women s loos were to be suddenly patrolled or had door people actively stopping men going in.

I wonder how long it would take when the women s was no longer physically possible as an option for someome to actually do something. I doubt there are as many men and boys sat at home mot feeling like they can go out due to being unable to access the women's as there are girls who have stopped using facilities due to men and boys feeling they have he right to use whatever loo they like

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/11/2017 23:57

I have never seen a man do that, it's odd. If we are out together I would take my daughters to the toilet and H would gather up things. If they are out without me now the eldest would take the youngest to the ladies. Prior to that they would probably just wait as they have bladders of steel. I don't think my h had ever need to but he would use the men's and quickly escort them in diverting attention from the urinals. Or find a bush to go behind (joke)

Namechanger2735 · 18/11/2017 23:59

Disabled toilet vote. Shoot me

Angelalley · 18/11/2017 23:59

bang

Ttbb · 19/11/2017 00:00

Tbf I'm not keen on my DSs going into the men's loos. I wouldn't mind a father bringing girl into the women's loos but I wouldn't expect a father to do that.

Tessliketrees · 19/11/2017 00:09

I can remember going in mens with my dad and it hasn't mentally scarred me

Indeed.

My dad used to take me and my DB's swimming every week and we always used the mens changing rooms until I was old enough to sort myself out. I never even thought about it at all until years later when a conversation like this came up between friends and everybody was horrified. I was baffled because it was fine, I was quite young so memories are vague but there and I don't associate going swimming with my dad with anything other than fun.

If I had had daughters I would have been fine with DH taking them into male facilities because I trust DH to know what is appropriate and to keep our children safe.

PurpleTraitor · 19/11/2017 00:10

I have two DDs and a DH. He takes them to the toilet pretty much as a default when we are out, over me because it just always seems to work that way.

ALWAYS into the men’s toilet without exception until they are old enough to go by themselves and not get lost on the way there/read the signs properly/deal with crowds and queues and hand dryers etc/ find their way back to our table in the restaurant/ where we are waiting in the shop.

That means DD1 who is 10 is capable, DD2 who is 4 is not capable. Neither have ever been worried or perturbed by anything seem in the men’s toilets or changing rooms in all their years of going in (DD2 goes in the men’s changing by choice when we go swimming - one child each = only fair) Nor has DH expressed any desire to go into the women’s toilets or changing area.

I find it ridiculous that it should even be a debate tbh

isitthestew · 19/11/2017 07:26

This all assumes the child is OK with going to the gents. Sometimes you take your daughter to the ladies because the only alternative would be to literally carry her into the gents while she shouts NOOOO PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWN I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO STOP IT STOP IT WAAAAAH NO NO NO.

So you take her to the ladies, because it's just less embarrassing.

Lostwithinthehills · 19/11/2017 07:55

Nobody answered my question so i’ll answer if myself.... if a Dad is out with his four year old daughter and he needs to use the loo but she doesn’t he should go into the men’s toilet and his daughter will have to go with him.

I don’t understand why posters can’t understand that it isn’t the one man in a hundred who thinks he has the right to chose which toilet he wants to enter despite the facilities being clearly designated by sex. It is the fact that if women accept that it is okay for him to be present in women’s toilets then more men will follow until the social constraint dictating that men don’t enter women’s toilets will be lost. Then, as a pp said, men will use women’s toilets because they have their daughter, their son, need to change a baby, want to keep their wife company, the men’s toilet is a bit dirty, they get their kicks out of being surrounded by women using the toilet. Ultimately a ten year old girl will one day walk into the women’s toilet on her own to discover it full of men and be in a very vulnerable position but nothing could be done about it because our generation gave away her right to sex segregation.

Op how does your dh feel about his daughter using the toilet in those circumstances?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 19/11/2017 08:13

I find it ridiculous that it should even be a debate tbh

We never discussed it as a family until my mother died and my father started taking my girls out alone and DM had always taken them into the ladies. It's an issue men going to the toilet when they are with children alone, he felt uncomfortable using urinals in front of them. In the ladies you can stand them outside the cubicle more easily. Mens' toilets are not child friendly at all.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 19/11/2017 08:17

Ultimately a ten year old girl will one day walk into the women’s toilet on her own to discover it full of men and be in a very vulnerable position but nothing could be done about it because our generation gave away her right to sex segregation.

But a 10 year old boy could do that now......

Surely it's more logical to have proper fixed cubicles without any gaps (more like disabled toilets) and an open space outside that is monitored with CCTV if there is a worry about safety. I'm not convinced that segregation is actually the answer.

Toffeelatteplease · 19/11/2017 08:21

if women accept that it is okay for him to be present in women’s toilets then more men will follow until the social constraint dictating that men don’t enter women’s toilets will be lost

Why? That's just catastrophising

Women jump into the men's loo when the queue for the ladies is too long doesn't suddenly mean the mens is full of women.

Why is a ten year old surrounded by men in a vulnerable situation. Not all men are bad and it's not healthy to teach our daughter's they are. This to me is way more unhealthy than the occasional man in the ladies loo.

That said it's not likely happen because it's catastrophising in the first place. Accepting an exception doesn't make it a rule.

RB68 · 19/11/2017 08:27

Maybe the answer is in changing the mens loos so there is an area immediately you walk in with family loos for smaller children in cubicles with handbasins and the rest of the facilities are further in - or just that there are family loos which incorporate baby change as well.

Its interesting we build this big thing about people being vulnerable in the toilets when most abusers are suposed family and friends so I am thinking the risk is minimal.

To be honest if a man had a baby and went in the womens to use the only baby change I really wouldn't have an issue.

And really how many men get off on listening to women pee and poo. Where is your evidence this is even a thing. You are perpetuating all men are monsters its just not the case at all

ProudAS · 19/11/2017 08:37

I went in the gents with my dad at that age (not very nice ones probably as they were in a subway) and didnt come to any harm. I don't recall seeing any willies but would thought nothing of it anyway.

Isetan · 19/11/2017 08:40

When did the loo’s become such a f**king battle ground? I imagine the men’s loo’s to be pretty grim and I wouldn’t have any problem with a man taking a child to the ladies. We have cubicles for gods sake, how is one man taking his young child to the toilets be seen as an invasion?

Can we all stop being so bloody precious, it really isn’t a good look.


and I personally don’t hang around in public toilets for any longer than is strictly necessary

MaisyPops · 19/11/2017 08:43

Men go to the gents with small child
Women go to to the ladies with small child
This is what everyone I know does. Zero issues.
Though some if my male friends would prefer to take their DD to a family facility if it is there.

I don't get the obsession on MN with mens toilets being hell on earth and utterly unsafe.

If it's still an issue thrn go to a coffee shop for a drink and use their single toilet (my local costas have onr accessible toilet for all customers).

Awomansworkisneverdone · 19/11/2017 08:44

Between 1 and 9 I was made to go into the men’s changing room whenever we went swimming with my dad. I hated it! Seeing naked men and willies bobbling around!
My sister and her friend always went into the ladies and I being the youngest had to go into the men’s.
It’s a tough one.
There is no right answer

M5tothesouthwest · 19/11/2017 08:44

I would have no problems with coming across a man accompanying his child to the ladies’ loo. We don’t walk around naked nor pee with the door open so I don’t see the issue. At worse he might see someone applying their lippy at the mirror or purchasing a ladies’ item from the vending machine - oh the horror ShockWink

Equally, I don’t mind DH taking DD into the mens’.

I did mind however when I found a dad accompanying his daughter into the girls’ changing rooms to get ready for gymnastics the other day. The girls (5-9 Years) have an after-school gym class in the local secondary school. When they arrive, there are sometimes pupils from the school still changing after netball practise etc. So to see a dad blatantly wander in without knocking / shouting out into an open changing room that could well have had teenage girls in a state of undress was highly inappropriate.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/11/2017 08:48

Your DH is bang out of order. Adult men should never be in the women toilets. If I saw him I’d report him to whichever establishment I was in

streetlife70s · 19/11/2017 08:48

Looking at it from another point of view, my mothers husband recently said how deeply uncomfortable HE felt standing at the urinal when a bloke brought his little girl in with him. Anyone think men might not actually be comfortable with their bits out peeing with little girls around?

Skarossinkplunger · 19/11/2017 08:49

I can understand why a man would not want his 4yo to sit on a bog in the men's. Men use them for shitting

Because women only ‘powder their noses’. What a ridiculous thing to say. And as for men “flapping their penises about”. I really don’t know what to make of that, have you people been in a men’s toilet?

MissWilmottsGhost · 19/11/2017 08:50

Agree with sofabitch, getting rid of group toilets and having individual ones instead would solve this issue. Most modern buildings seem to do that now.

DH takes DD in the men's. She is 5.

I really don't think she will be traumatised if she happens to see a mans willy at the urinal. She is more likely to point and laugh and scream "I CAN SEE YOUR WILLY!" like she does if she sees DH's Grin

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/11/2017 08:50

Also why do people think it’s so horrific for girls to experience bad smell etc in a men’s toilet but presumably they don’t feel their boys are too precious for this? Utterly ridiculous

Skarossinkplunger · 19/11/2017 08:51

I imagine the replies on here would be very different if the father happened to be transgender.

dramallamakarma · 19/11/2017 08:51

Perhaps I’ll get flamed but I think he should use the disabled / baby change.

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