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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:53

I'm going to have to object to the implication that aworking parent can't teach a child to read or take them to music lessons

Never said they can’t. But it’s a lot easier if one parent isn’t working - they have more time to give to it.

It also slightly depends on what standard you’re aiming for wrt music. When children are small (age 3+) a parent needs to practice with them daily.

My sister currently has 3 children doing 2 instruments, which is 6 practices daily. Takes about 4 hours a day. Which would be a stretch for many working parents.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 19/11/2017 10:54

Ellapella - yes she did mention his savings are for a house deposit for them all. It's in the very first post.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 19/11/2017 10:55

Couples should be having the conversation before they commit to kids. If the man’s idea is that he will put the woman in funds every month rather than her have access to the funds then it’s a problem. Unless there is clear disparity between their views on spending in which case that needed to be ironed out at the start. There can be immense pressure on the sole earner though and so resentment about bearing that for a prolonged length of time may build. The key is bridging huge communication gulfs that exist between couples

CredulousThickos · 19/11/2017 10:56

I’m a SAHM, my kids are all at school. I spend my days crafting, decorating, shopping, watching tv, reading, walking the dog, going for lunch, napping if I feel like it.

I’d say that’s fairly aspirational. I’ve never enjoyed working.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:56

are you saying that a working parent is not a 'commited' parent?

Clearly not. In that context I was talking about “committed and involved” SAHPs because you can get uncommitted and uninvolved ones.

Thymeout · 19/11/2017 10:59

ssd - yes - for the first 3 years, 2 at a pinch. Not much to ask when a career now lasts till you're nearly 70. Sadly, many parents don't have the choice any more.

Unicornberry · 19/11/2017 11:02

"I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration."

Shock Why should I aspire to go to work to earn money we don't need and pay someone else to raise my DC?! If you want or need to go back to work, do that, but if you don't need or want to then you don't have to and being a SAHP is not something to be looked down upon, infact I feel lucky to be in the position to be a SAHP and would hate to have to go back to work.

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 11:03

so it's not down to a commited and involved SAHP but a commited and involved parent regardless of employment status.

your 1st post was an entirely moot point.

Middleoftheroad · 19/11/2017 11:05

I think looking after your own kids is the best thing you'll ever do for them and no amount of holidays/ipads etc make up for having a mum at home

Or a dad at home??

What about what's best for everybody if you don't want to stay at home?

What about showing kids that women can have careers too?

That career could be freelancing or working from home or volunteering for charity but there is no best way.

.

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 11:05

aspiration is the hope or ambition to achieve something.

being a SAHM funded by a husband is totally fine, I have no problem with that but it is not an 'achievement' of some sort. it is in most cases the easy way.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 11:06

Why the Hmmface that your dp has a sole account?makes sense.
good parental advice to not have joint account imo,it’s not obligatory to have joint acc
You shouldn’t be expecting him to look after you.your an adult.look after yourself

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 11:08

its a lot easier if one parent isn't working

Actually it's a lot easier if both parents take responsibility for it.

And for me that's true equality. Both parents contributing financially and to child raising. Both parts of life recognised as equal importance. Both parents working part time if they want one at home at all times, which is a fair enough decision to make.

We have a massively long way to go to get there and every time a thread like this comes up it reinforces it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 11:12

What it is easier if one parent(the woman) doesn’t work?its not insurmountable if both work
There is nursery,Afterschool, summer clubs all to support both parents working
Mn would have you believe children of working parents are abandoned and raised by strangers in nursery

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 11:13

baritone - can you not grasp that some people do not see life through your very limited lens. Who are you to tell other women what is "aspirational?"

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 11:16

Actually it's a lot easier if both parents take responsibility for it

Where did I say both parents didn’t take responsibility for it? Having one parent with plenty of time doesn’t preclude the other being equally involved.

You’re making a lot of assumptions that aren’t in the text.

Unicornberry · 19/11/2017 11:16

I aspired to be a SAHP. I made it happen by supporting my DH to earn enough and helping to pay for his qualifications to enable me to do that and investing so we can be mortgage free so I don't have to work outside of the home, although I would say I do equal work in terms of childcare. Housework is still split 50/50.

I do some very part time work although it's mainly voluntarily, something I couldn't do if I worked which I don't want to do.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 11:22

And for me that's true equality. Both parents contributing financially and to child raising. Both parts of life recognised as equal importance. Both parents working part time if they want one at home at all times, which is a fair enough decision to make.

That’s true equality for you. Other people can define equality how they like.

We do have a massively long way to go if people like you cannot understand that you cannot prescribe equality, that no-one else is obliged to subscribe to your interpretation of it, that it is not up to you determine the value of other people’s life choices.

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 11:23

being a SAHM funded by a husband is totally fine

Only if the husband agrees though.

Which the OP appears not to know this man’s views on-despite knowing him well enough to marry and have a baby with!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/11/2017 11:24

RJ, that's the model we have gone for. Equal work, equal parenting and finances that we both contribute too.

I don't want my children to have old fashioned views or for one sex to think all they have to do is find a man that works so they don't have too likewise boys shouldn't feel that they have to provide in order to have a partner.

Working parents can still do music lessons and practice, school work etc. Given that children are in school for most of the working day by the time they start music lessons etc there's little difference in time with a parent whether unemployed or working in most cases.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 11:29

What could be more old-fashioned than judging women and their life choices?

You realise some children start music lessons when they’re 2-3 years old?

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 11:31

Exactly Tatiana. Why do people think they have the authority on prescribing equality and what we should all be aspiring to? It's so utterly tedious.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 11:33

I have a sole account.my mum also wisely advised me not to have joint account

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 11:34

you realise some children start music lessons when they’re 2-3 years old?

not really (and I work in that area). Thar is highly unusual.

What instruments are the 2 year old little nieces and nephews learning??

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 11:38

Well as you asked (though not sure how this is relevant to OP Grin) two of my DC started Suzuki violin at 3 in the nursery attached to the school. Its very common at their school and its a requirement for Suzuki that parents "learn" with them as its taught by ear and technique at first (no written music). So I go into the school twice a week for this.

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 11:40

I asked about the 2 year olds Grin

wonder where these many 2 year olds with instrument lessons are!

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