To want to stay home a bit longer..

[crazycatlady5]

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone )

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

What is the point of money really? This man has more than enough to meet his own and his family's needs. His wife being a sahm for a while would make her happy and would undoubtedly benefit his child. What is served by forcing her to work when she doesn't want to for little actual financial gain? Don't get it. Work will still be there in 4 years. All my sahm friends are now working again.

I think it is very wrong for a woman to be forced back into work when back baby is so young if they want to be with them. I am a long term breastfeeder and I wouldn't have wanted to be back at work so soon. Fortunately my husband earns well. I do work I'm just not employed. I'm looking after my family, house and home. If a woman wants to go back to work then that is her choice. I just think it's awful for mum's to be separated from their babies if they don't want to be.

It's not necessarily about Moore money, but family security, which is in much stronger ground with 2 incomes.

More money

baritone and yellow - I think what the PP meant when she said, "I couldn't be with a man who had expected me to work when our DC were pre-school", is that she couldn't be with a man who didn't respect the physical, practical, emotional significance of having a child for his wife.

If you are flat broke and you have no choice but for both parents to work, then that is a different matter. Even then, you would need an affordable childcare scenario to make it work.

I always knew that if I had DC I would be very resentful at handing them over to someone else for the most part of the day. I am honest about the fact I would struggle with that. People tend to gravitate towards like-minded partners - in general. There is no way on earth my husband would expect me to carry and give birth to his 4 children and then as soon as they were able to stand in their own two feet (literally) insist that I get back to work leave them with someone else. What the hell is the point of that, if you don't need the money? It's unnecessary stress all round and in nobody's best interests. The way DH sees it (and most men, I imagine) is this - as a man, if you want to have children, you will need to factor in that you will need to be the sole financial provider for a period as your wife is going to be otherwise preoccupied. All this is obvious.

As PPs have said, he is working anyway and they are financially stable. Would her salary even make much difference? It doesn't sound like it.

There are advantages to two incomes and going back but it's not that simple. What price are those advantages if op is miserable? Othersrace back to work and love it thrive on it good feminist etc good for them - but not everyone feels like that. Some careers it's fine to take a few years out some it's not.

Many sahm I knew took the career break and restarted careers years later in some cases doing things much better suited to them than previous careers. It's a very individual thing and projecting your own experience/ views isn't that helpful.

Parisa Exactly!

Yellow

I was working supporting the family when dh was being paid for working.
Support comes in many forms, not just financial.
Children come with free childcare in the form of parents.
Childcare is only a cost of having children if you work.
I'm glad I found a man who agreed with me and it's worked fine for us.
The thought of leaving my children with strangers when they were little was just not an option for us and unthinkable.

I don't judge others they are welcome to do whats right for their own families, we all are.

In the case of the OP I agree, but people change and she should be expected to gain support for her choice from her dh.
He can't dictate she works unless they need the money and by working the family will be financially better off.
Childcare can equate to a whole wage, some people work for nothing, I don't get this personally.

So he had no choice or say? A lesson there to teach boys, pick a partner who doesn't see you as a money tree and who will respect your say in important matters not go with their wants only.

I couldn’t be with a man who expected me to give up work and be at home
I don’t need to work,but I chose to,it’s significant and matters to me
Dp and I had this conversation way before having kids,working ft,nursery,schools,parenting styles

So he had no choice or say? A lesson there to teach boys

He had a choice before she got pregnant. When you decide to have a baby, the one who doesn't push it out of their body has to go to work to pay for it.

Oh what a load of bollocks!

I’ve never pushed any of my babies out my body?wheres that leave me
Lol applying shutit logic Is the a pecking order of financial entitlement according to mode of delivery
Full payment for natural vaginal birth
Minimum payment for Caesarean sections
fuck all money if you adopted or had surrogate as you’ve not pushed a baby out your body

shutitandtidyupgitface
When you decide to have a baby, the one who doesn't push it out of their body has to go to work to pay for it.

I was going to write a response to this ... but I actually have no words.

Of course he has a say. If the OP stays at home, then as well as losing an income, they also lose her pension contributions. If the marriage fails, she'll be on here complaining asking for spousal support, and most of the people on here will be saying that he should pay her spousal support because she's "sacrificed her career so he can work". If she goes back to work and it all goes belly up, he'll be liable for child maintenance, but not for supporting a wife who hasn't worked for years. He's protecting himself, and is sensible to do so. Women who stay at home always want spousal support, pension sharing etc...maybe fair enough if the man agreed that she should stay at home, but not fair at all if the man wanted a modern marriage with a working wife. Bringing home the bacon is an important part of being a parent, and no reason why only someone with a penis is responsible for it.

I think there should be some form of legal protection people can put in place so that if a selfish spouse ceases to work against the will of the other they have to sign to say they understand no spousal support or pension access will be granted.

Bringing home the bacon is an important part of being a parent, and no reason why only someone with a penis is responsible for it.

Exactly. Might as well not send girls to school if all they have to do is have unprotected sex to get out of working.

Well this thread made a sharp descent into the 1950s

bringing home the bacon is an important part of being a parent, and no reason why only someone with a penis is responsible for it

This is an excellent point. No problem at all with people doing what's right for their families, but the fact that a few posters on here seem to think it's their god given right to stay at home is very entitled.

When you decide to have a baby, the one who doesn't push it out of their body has to go to work to pay for it

As I said is that me then, I’ve never pushed a baby out my body?

I’m waiting on shutit payment tariffs list based on mode of delivery
Full whack monies for natural vagnal birth, do you get a push premium more push more money?

Heehaw if no pushing?too posh to push go straight back to work?less monies paid

Yellow, I'm not sure why you seem to have an agenda about women who don't return to work after having children?

Most of the mums at my DC's prep would fall into this shocking category. I don't think their husbands feel particularly hard done by. I don't know any couples in real life with the "my money, your money" attitude that gets expressed on MN.

But tbh there’s life,and life according to mn.think folk here embellish
I don’t know couples who live like folk on mn,enriching hobbies,naps,and piano grades
or women have the default leave the bastard.and advise changing locks on a whim
All executed under auspices of the woman who controls the monies and her dp can’t work Wmch but holds down an exec job

I’m married with 4 kids and a sahm. I was a higher earner than my dh before kids I always shared finances. I had a windfall and put it straight on our mortgage. We have always shared everything. Now he works and is a higher earner and I don’t. However I know if needed I could put my skills back to use and earn money if needed. I guess it’s fine to rely on each other but have a little back up plan kept in reserve of half w you can be financially independent if needed