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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 21:48

@hoppityhophop that is exactly how I feel Sad I was never particularly ‘maternal’ before although I knew I wanted kids - but since I’ve had my DD it has all changed, I just feel like neither of us are ready and I feel like I just want to take care of her.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/11/2017 21:48

He needs to step up and support his family like a normal husband and father

We seemed to have slipped back in time to the 1950s Hmm I thought we were meant to encourage girls that they were equals and can hold their own in the workforce yet some still subscribe to the theory that having been born male you have to work and females just stay home and don't have too.

fabulous01 · 18/11/2017 21:49

I remember planning my return and it is hard. But working is actually ok
I would never rely on a man for money and particularly a man who gives you money
If you can get part time that is an option but he also needs to see that child care is expensive
But most men don’t understand so you may need to push the issue and also sort out the joint account particularly if you are married

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 21:55

@fabulous01 thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 21:57

@YellowMakesMeSmile I definitely see what you’re saying, but I’ve never been wanting to stay at home painting my nails and getting the dinner on for hubby - it’s purely for my daughters benefit so I can look after her (and mine too as I’ll miss her!) - but I absolutely see what you’re saying.

OP posts:
BeALert · 18/11/2017 21:57

Whether or not you go back to work you need to have some conversations with him about finances.

Who will pay the childcare bill if you do work?
If you only work two days a week will he still expect you to pay half of all bills?
Who will pay for the ever-increasing costs you're going to face as a family?

Remember that if you're staying home to look after your child, you're saving him a great deal of money.

I'd suggest you stop thinking of yourself as someone to be 'looked after' or a 'money grabber' and start thinking of yourselves as a team that has a child to raise and a family to build.

YippeeTeenager · 18/11/2017 22:01

Its not slipping back to the 1950s for a mum to want to spend time with her own child! That’s bonkers. He’s being financially controlling by ‘giving’ you £400 a month and making you feel embarrassed about that when you are no doubt working long hours to care for the child that you jointly decided to create together. Stop asking him pitifully for a crumb off his plate and take an equal say and share in your family finances. I can believe he’s behaving like this and other posters are telling you he’s justified. When you have a child together, everything is together.

grobagsforever · 18/11/2017 22:02

DO NOT make yourself financially dependent on this man OP. He 'gives' you £400 pcm on mat leave? He sounds financially controlling. You can't set yourself up for a life of constantly asking him for money.

No woman should relinquish her financial independence, but especially not ones married to men like your DH.

Parisa78 · 18/11/2017 22:03

Yellow - sorry but I don't see it like that. It's got nothing to do with the 1950s or any other decade. The OP wants to stay with her baby. She shouldn't even have to tell her DH this - if he knows her it should be obvious to him what she wants. Why would he want to pay for someone else to look after his child, when his wife is able and more than willing to do thid herself? Where is the logic in that.
If the OP wanted to return to work, then that would be different. If they couldn't afford for her to be home, then so be it. If he wanted to be at home, they could look at that. But this is not the case.

Atticusss · 18/11/2017 22:09

You sound deluded. Both of you. His leftovers 'to play with' alone are triple our annual income. Men who give women pocket money make me sick. I certainly wouldn't be considering putting a 1 year old in full time childcare when my partner had such a high income that it wasn't absolutely necessary.

I also can't figure out why you are throwing money away on rent and wasting spare cash which such a high figure salary. But that's a different topic.

RJnomore1 · 18/11/2017 22:10

It's just me but I find it absolutely baffling why any woman would want to give up her financial independence.

Even more so in a circumstance where she's basically being handed pocket money at present.

Nor do I understand why men should be expected to suddenly pay for women not to work.

And it's not about immediate costs of childcare - it's a lifetime of financial loss.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 22:14

@BeALert thanks you’re right, very helpful input.

OP posts:
FourPillars · 18/11/2017 22:16

Exactly right, RJnomore1, couldn’t have said it better myself.

Parisa78 · 18/11/2017 22:18

RJ - the point is that she shouldn't have to feel like she's giving up her financial independence because he is her husband and they have a baby.
I would not give up work for a man who gave me an allowance, but it doesn't need to be like that.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/11/2017 22:18

Gosh, OP, I think you need to have some open conversations with you DH. In terms of the advice his parents gave him, I am willing to bet that THEY has a joint bank account. Could you investigate your workplaces policy on careerbreaks?
Present him with a breakdown of childcare costs and ask that he pays you and the additional £400 a month. You need to present him with the evidence which strongly suggests children do better in a home setting compared to nursery when under 3 (not looking to start a debate, merely summarising what the evidence says).

Escapepeas · 18/11/2017 22:19

Equally though, it's a big decision for one half of a couple to give up work and put the onus on the other to be the financial provider. I think both parties have to be 100% happy for that to be the case and it sounds like OP's DH is not comfortable with that. And why should he be?

If DH told me that he was giving up work for an undefined period of time, I'd be quite concerned about how we would manage, especially if it was to be a SAHP.

And again, if I was the OP, I'd be extremely reluctant to make myself financially dependent on my DH.

MistressPage · 18/11/2017 22:21

I decided not to go back to work and I heartily recommend it. Follow your heart.

There is a lot of scaremongering on mumsnet about becoming financially dependant in your husband. AIBU in particular is very unsupportive of SAHMS.

It's a little scary giving up your independence but nothing compares to these precious years spent with your little one. I felt very strongly that I didn't want to put my son in nursery and it was the best decision I ever made.

Just make sure your husband is on board and agree how you will manage things. I have a credit card arttached to our joint account which my husband pays off every month. I have an agreed housekeeping budget which I try to stick to and sometimes succeed Blush . It's imperative that you have access to finances.

Good luck and enjoy the time with your little one Flowers

BewareOfDragons · 18/11/2017 22:24

Your DH had you paying ONE HALF of the household bills when you were working, even though you only earned half of what he did? Leaving you with just enough to cover food, by the sounds of it ... for both of you?

Yikes. Sorry, but that's just wrong.

You're supposed to be in this together... I wouldn't depend on him financially ... you would be incredibly vulnerable if you did.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 22:25

Thank you so much for understanding @MistressPage Flowers

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 18/11/2017 22:25

How have you not got a joint account?

It's not his money, it's family money. Unless you have compulsive gambling or shopping issues why wouldn't you have equal access to the money being earned to support the household.

3k a month spare? We live off less than that.

I can't believe people are still not having a conversation about finances before ttc.

OP you are allowed to change your mind about wanting to work/not work. Having a child changes everything. For both you AND the father of that child.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/11/2017 22:32

OP you are allowed to change your mind about wanting to work/not work

And the DH is just supposed to put up and shut up? I thought marriage was meant to be a partnership?

Yes the OP can decide if she works or not but likewise the DH can walk away as that's not the deal he signed upto. Given they have paid 50/50 so far it's clear he wanted an equal as a wife rather than a kept woman.

Waddlingwanda · 18/11/2017 22:34

Have you actually discussed it with him? You need to.
I felt exactly the same, I went back for about 3months before stopping fully. We have a similar income but as I said ‘we’ have that income. Yes he earns it but it goes in a joint account and I sort all the finances. At no point have I been given an allowance, we have equal rights over it. We’ve made this decision for ourselves, although I know it’s one most on mumsnet disagree with.

Parisa78 · 18/11/2017 22:43

Why use "kept woman" as a derogatory term? If a woman is working, but earns less than her DH, is she also a kept woman? What's the difference? For most people, family money is all one and the same and you live within your means.

OP you really shouldn't be worried about asking him for money. It's already yours!

Sunshinegirl82 · 18/11/2017 22:51

I think having one parent stay at home is great for everyone when it's something that is agreed on. I'd be very wary of becoming a sahp though when my partner didn't seem to value the role I played in the family.

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DH OP. I earn more than my DH and we work it back so that after everything is paid for we each have the same amount of money in our accounts for our own spending. That means I put in more than him but the alternative is me having loads of cash and him being broke which seems like a pretty odd way to run a partnership.

If you disappeared in a puff of smoke tomorrow your DH would have to work something out and it would cost a hell of a lot more than £400 a month! Is your DH expecting you to fork out for childcare too?

I have returned to work 3 days a week and whilst I was dreading it it actually hasn't been that bad. DS really likes nursery and I feel like we have a nice balance. It might be worth trying going back part time to see how you go.

Whatever happens you need to get the financial side of things properly sorted out. You are a partnership, you are married, this is supposed to be a joint effort and from what you've posted it seems like the current situation is every man for himself!

BewareOfTheToddler · 18/11/2017 22:58

Thinking practically, do you have the option to take an additional year of unpaid leave? That could be an option - you'd have more time at home, with no salary, so could see if it worked for you as a family (and rejig your finances, obviously), but with the option to return at the end of the year if you felt ready for it. It's definitely available in some public sector departments.