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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:26

I know that op, my sister is in London and has been saving a long time for a deposit, I hadn’t realised it was quite as bad as that though! Sorry, I feel very lucky to be up here in the north then, ignore that comment.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:27

Why on earth not? It’s noticeable that some women here are brainwashed by sexist incomprehension of the value of SAH parenting.

Absolutely. Before I had my LO, even throughout pregnancy I assumed by the time the year was up I’d be really keen to go back to work to ‘have my own time back’ And mix with adults again as this is the general consensus - especially in the industry I work in. But my mindset has changed in a way I didn’t know it would, some people are desperate to get back to work, I’d like to look after my baby a bit longer. Don’t understand the problem with that, it doesn’t even really boil down to aspirations.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:28

You may not see your husband as abusive but he is absolutely financially controlling you if he makes you pay half the bills when he earns so much more than you and is squirrelling away thousands of pounds for a rainy day when you would prefer to not have to work so you can take care of your daughter. This is exactly the sort of thing he has been putting his money aside for presumably?

This.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/11/2017 10:29

I haven’t actually got a job to go back to! I am currently looking.

Mute point then isn't it as technically you aren't on maternity leave but unemployed, I highly doubt the looking for work has been an actual effort either given you have no childcare in place or have even looked at it.

I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration

Me neither. It's just an unemployed parent relying on another party to provide everything. Why on earth would that be an aspiration?

But equally if she wants to be a SAHP she has the right to stand by that too. He can’t force her to return to work any more than she can force him to be the sole earner. His wants don’t trump hers

True but he then has the right to tell her he won't finance that decision. Any person in a relationship who quite work knowing the other party is not happy to support that decision is very selfish. He could walk, I would if I had a spouse that thought their wants came first and that the partnership I thought I had was an illusion.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:30

This is exactly the sort of thing he has been putting his money aside for presumably?

He has been putting his money away for a house deposit for us.

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 19/11/2017 10:31

You only have your baby once, I so wish I had been able to stay with mine longer and not go back to work. I missed all those precious moments even his first step. I could not rely on by baby's father and he was violent.
if you can afford it then do it, don't overthink the situation.
It won't be forever and think about all that time with your lovely child, all those memories.
What memories will you have from working in an office or other place.

Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:31

Don’t make any apologies for wanting to stay at home to look after your daughter. My DH would be a stay at home Dad in a flash if I could earn the same as he does and he has a much more successful career than me. Just get your finances sorted, taking into account pension loss as well.

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 10:32

@Appuskidu I haven’t actually got a job to go back to! I am currently looking

Sorry-you said you had been on maternity since December-that usually implies you will return to the same job. Have you resigned from your previous job then-did you have a maternity leave at all?

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Your H gives you £400 a month and won’t get a joint bank account with you. He really doesn’t sound the ‘looking after’ type.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:32

@Ellapaella thank you Smile I will x

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:32

To be fair OP you didn’t mention he was putting aside all that money for a deposit in your OP which is why some posters, including me have made the comments we have.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:32

My sister had exactly the same change of mindset OP. It was entirely unexpected. She was working in investment banking and intended to go back. Motherhood changes your priorities in ways that can’t be predicted.

From an aspirational pov a committed and involved parent who has the time to help a child learn to read, go to music lessons, practice daily etc is extremely valuable. I see that as an aspiration like any other.

Johnnycomelately1 · 19/11/2017 10:34

Moot point. Moot.

m0therofdragons · 19/11/2017 10:34

Surely the “fight for equality” is the fight to be able to choose to work or be sahm or sahd or somewhere in between. Suffragettes weren’t fighting to make caring for child a second rate choice ffs.
I refuse to believe that nursery staff with an nvq in childcare are always more qualified to bring up children than the parents. What’s right for one family isn’t necessarily right for another and the best we can hope for is to find a balance that works for us.
Op, talk to your dh. If you do choose to be a sahm please sort out finances so you aren’t getting bloody pocket money and asking permission to spend family money all the time!

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 10:37

So are you unemployed or on maternity leave?

Have you actually asked your H how he feels about you not returning to work? We can say all the things we like, but if he says that he is not prepared to be the sole wage earner, what will you do?

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:38

Yellow - your POV is so unintelligent I can’t be bothered to argue with you. A point is moot not mute.

Sunshinegirl82 · 19/11/2017 10:40

I completely get wanting to stay at home OP, I really do. I found going back to work very hard but I didn't have a choice as I'm the higher earner so it had to be done. I think that made it easier in a lot of ways. I have dropped to 3 days which is the minimum we can get away with.

The house thing is likely to be a complicating factor. I have lived in the SE all my life so I get it. You not returning to work will have an impact on mortgage affordability (as will childcare) so your DH might be concerned about those things. Have you sat down with a broker and done all the calculations so you know where you are? That will help when working out how much further there is to go with the deposit.

Hopefully you will have a conversation today and be able to work things out. I would feel more comfortable with a joint account but it can be made to work without one if needs be. Perhaps working out a budget of what you need each month would be sensible. I'd include all the food in that as you're likely to do that if at home and a budget for things for DD, classes, clothes, shoes etc as I find I end up paying out a lot more than DH on those things as I'm at home more so physically do the shopping.

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 10:41

are you unemployed or on mat leave?

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:42

Surely the “fight for equality” is the fight to be able to choose to work or be sahm or sahd or somewhere in between. Suffragettes weren’t fighting to make caring for child a second rate choice ffs

Absolutely. Feminism is about the freedom and right for women to make their own choices. It is key in explaining the value of women’s work which has long been historically been denied.

ssd · 19/11/2017 10:44

I think looking after your own kids is the best thing you'll ever do for them and no amount of holidays/ipads etc make up for having a mum at home

but in mn world you are absolutely ridiculed for thinking this way

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 10:45

I'm going to have to object to the implication that aworking parent can't teach a child to read or take them to music lessons.

Somehow dh and I managed both, plus a whole host of other things, between us while both working full time.

As do many many other working parents. How patronising to both sah and woh parents to suggest otherwise.

applesareredandgreen · 19/11/2017 10:47

Whatever you decide to do job wise I think that you and your DH need to have a joint account so that all money coming in is for the family. Dh and I had separate accs when we married but earned very similar amounts so just split everything down the middle. However once I went on maternity leave and was no longer bringing onto normal salary we moved to a joint account we have equal access to.

In my case I went back to work part time, paying out the majority of my earnings in child care for the first couple of years, but knowing this was keeping my job open.

In your case it seems different. Your DH earns a lot more than mine does, so you don't really need to work in order to eat/live etc but would you really want to be totally financially dependent on your husband, especially one who is showing an element of control.

FWIW I loved working part time when DS was little. It was the best of both worlds, I got to spend time at home with him and I loved doing the 'mummy stuff' but I also enjoyed the time at work- I enjoy my job and also the adult company. It's also good to know that in some respects you have kept your career, although on reduced hours, and have your own money.

Johnnycomelately1 · 19/11/2017 10:48

Well, let's not misrepresent the suffragettes. It was largely an intellectual movement that was interested in permitting women to break out of the domestic sphere and participate in public life. It was the anti-suffragists that had the "separate but equal" spheres argument that, in a way, actually supported the status of unpaid work for women. I'm sure if the suffragettes were here now they'd actually be horrified at how low female participation is in the centres of political and economic power, almost 100 years after women gained the vote.

There is an argument that women need to be equally represented in the workforce and policy making positions before we can start working towards a position where being a SAHP is valued. Currently, being a SAHP is undervalued as its largely done by women and evidence shows that women's work is undervalued on that fact alone. However, policy is made from that perspective by a male majority, so until women are equally represented, we can't change anything.

It's also noticeable that in the most "equal" (nordic) societies at present, hardly anyone is a SAHP.

It's not necessarily a reality that I particularly like, but it is reality.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 10:49

"I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration."

Wanting to bring up your own children - imagine that! Just "get childcare," so you can be a real proper "aspirational" person.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/11/2017 10:50

The joint/separate accounts isn't something I'd think much on but the finances overall should be shared.

You should each take equal 'spending' money out of that pot and each take equal leisure time. If that isn't what happens then you don't have an equal marriage, one of you is effectively an employee.

True but he then has the right to tell her he won't finance that decision

He isn't financing it. They as a couple with a shared family income would be financing it. She could also tell him he can look after his own child and do all the wife work whilst she is doing the paid work. I find the degree of financial inequality in marriages once children come along quite terrifying for women.

Me neither. It's just an unemployed parent relying on another party to provide everything. Why on earth would that be an aspiration?

I'm assuming describing SAHMs as unemployed is just there for GFery

baritonehome · 19/11/2017 10:51

From an aspirational pov a committed and involved parent who has the time to help a child learn to read, go to music lessons, practice daily etc is extremely valuable. I see that as an aspiration like any other.

are you saying that a working parent is not a 'commited' parent? I am working and I read with my DC daily, we attend music lessons, practice regularly etc. it's just bonkers to suggest that a working parent cannot do any of these. of course they can. it just takes more organisation.