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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
Thymeout · 19/11/2017 21:11

Yes, Lipstick - are you married? And do you have dcs? Do you pay their expenses pro rata, too? What would happen if one of you lost their job or became ill?

PepsiPolarBear · 19/11/2017 21:37

OP it sounds like as a couple you can afford for you not to go back to work for some time, until you're ready. Please go ahead and do this, life is too short to be miserable and have regrets if you don't need to.

I started working when my dc was 2 and it's working for me, some families need more or less time there's no right or wrong.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 21:44

Of course we split bill when we go out that’s what everyone does?
Married - yes, I Didn't change my name. Dc - yes. Nursery fees prorata
Illness etc - touch wood none.but we are partners we’d deal with it
Separate finances doesn’t mean emotionally separate or not committed.
Prior to marriage we dated & lived in separate cities and cohabitation. The finances we discussed it and want this arrangement

Ttbb · 19/11/2017 21:47

I never split the bill with anyone. If it's my husband it doesn't matter. If it's a friend we take turns paying.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 21:48

That’s splitting the bill (and hairs)

Ttbb · 19/11/2017 21:54

No, I take turns paying with friends. It's not splitting the bill because it's less awkward. With my husband we don't take turns either. Whoever happens to pay first pays first. We don't have joint accounts but the money is still mutual. I often pay for things with my husband's card, he uses mine, we move money in between freely.

Ttbb · 19/11/2017 21:54

If it makes a difference he ends up paying most of the time.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 21:58

Whatever works for you frankly.its no biggie

KERALA1 · 19/11/2017 22:33

Oh god don't start discussing bill splitting that thread got to 100 pages or something Grin

SittingAround1 · 20/11/2017 13:54

kerala what happens if the house is in his name and he dies? Would she automatically inherit?

heron98 · 20/11/2017 14:00

Your husband sounds pretty minted. I'd stay off if I were you Grin

KERALA1 · 20/11/2017 14:46

If she's a joint owner yes if she's a wife with a will in her favour yes if shes a wife with no will if no kids yes, if no will and kids she gets first £250k and half the remainder kids get other half.

If they get divorced judge will decide - irrelevant in whose "name" it's in if marital assets. None of the above applies if not married.

Itsonkyme · 20/11/2017 15:54

Just stay off work and look after your baby if that is what you want to do.
You'll be happy, baby will be happy. You won't get this precious time back again. Work will be there for the rest of your life!

Appuskidu · 20/11/2017 15:58

Just stay off work and look after your baby if that is what you want to do.

Not if her husbands doesn’t want the responsibility of being the sole earner though!

As the OP hasn’t returned though, we are not acually able to clarify what the husband’s view are-which is really the only relevant opinion here.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/11/2017 21:08

actually no,you see it’s no solely what op wants,there is her dp to consider.what he wants
No woman is entitled to give up work and stay home cause she fancies it

TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 21:54

And no man is entitled to insist that his wife works when she wants to look after their child, just because he fancies it.

FitBitFanClub · 20/11/2017 22:17

What "responsibility?" Presumably he'd go to work full-time regardless of her hours, and they don't appear to be desperate for money so what's the issue for him? In fact, it should benefit him, as she will be around to run the house and he won't have to share time off for when the baby's ill and a parent is required to stay home.

missiondecision · 20/11/2017 22:29

Here’s my 2p worth.
My dh and I always have hd a joint account and he never quizzes me about what I spend.
I gave up work for the same reasons as you, and after factoring child care decided I’d stay at home. But... if I could do it all again, I’d work part time, minimum hours to keep my career to ticking over, maintaining some independence.
Talk to your dh, the years before school absolutely fly. It’s not long really, in the grand scheme of things, but for you, consider part time.
I do think it’s mean spirited to be earning so much and expecting his cold to be cared for by someone other it’s mother. If he would pay a nursery. He can pay you.

missiondecision · 20/11/2017 22:30

Cold ... dc

gillybeanz · 20/11/2017 22:39

A child needs looking after and if a mum wants to do this and not outsource some of the care then that's up to her, surely.
The dh isn't stupid and must realise that small children need to be cared for.
I couldn't be with a man who had expected me to work when our dc were pre school, no way.

LaurieMarlow · 20/11/2017 22:53

There's a lot of minimising of the responsibility of being the sole earner.

I must object to that as I went through a period of solely supporting my family and I found it really tough. Knowing that you're the only thing keeping the family afloat, especially when you're going through a tough patch in work is a big load on the shoulders. I'm not taking on that responsibility again and I'd never leave it to my dh either.

MistressDeeCee · 20/11/2017 23:22

You sound like flatmates, to be honest. 1/2 the bills yet it sounds as if you earn 1/2 the salary he does, if that. You've given birth and that seems to count for not much. As a woman being independent as opposed to interdependent seems to be the thing on (online anyway) ie have a baby, back to work even if you don't want to, to prove a point. Even if you're now a new (ish) mum. Or, to be independent yet you're in a marriage so why be in one then if you can't depend on your husband at least occasionally, where that is entirely possible? I just see a lot of benefit for him. But not for you.

In your case I understand you can't stay at home. Because your husband is tight. His money is his, yours is yours. Never mind the gifts etc. It's the £400 and "why do you need more".

You don't want to be seen as a money-grabber - where'd that come from...discussions with your husband? Since he was ok with letting you know his parents said never get a joint account with a woman. ..

You don't have a husband who'd support you for say a further 6 months. He's already querying a mere £400 a month, yet you've always paid your way. Back to work part time is your best option.

Hope that works out for you. Especially if you're planning on having more children...

baritonehome · 21/11/2017 05:51

I couldn't be with a man who had expected me to work when our dc were pre school, no way.

do you mean you could only be with a high earner? how do you think most people put food on the table and keep a roof over their head? it is normal to work in order to provide for your DC. some people really live in a parallel universe.

sailorcherries · 21/11/2017 06:37

If the OP sver returned I'd be curious to know who is paying what while she is not working.

Is her OP still expecting her to pay half from the £400 plus whatever else she gets (SMP, child benefit, possible redundancy package or benefits as she no longer has a job to return to)?
Or is he paying for everything she she is blowing through her money plus the £400?

If it is the former he sounds like an arse.
If it is the latter then no wonder he wants her to work. £400 is quite a lot of money to spend on top of everything else if there are no bills coming from that.

And yes children need looked after but being a woman and being a mother doesn't instantly make it your god given right to stay off work to do so, as some posters suggest.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/11/2017 07:24

I couldn't be with a man who had expected me to work when our dc were pre school, no way.

Likewise I couldn't be with a partner who thought it was ok to not work and support the chidren and the household.

The DHs salary is irrelevant, the OP can't make him the sole earner purely because that's what she wants. He has to be in agreement and it doesn't sound like he is nor what he signed upto.

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