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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
Thymeout · 19/11/2017 11:45

I thought we were talking about early years. Op can always continue with her career, or switch to another one, later. And it's not about music lessons. It's about where is the best place for her dd to spend most of her waking day for the next one/two years, and with whom. And whether it's affordable. Full-time childcare in London can easily wipe out a salary. It's more than a mortgage for some people.

MessyBun247 · 19/11/2017 11:45

'Wanting to bring up your own children - imagine that! Just "get childcare," so you can be a real proper "aspirational" person.'

parisa78. Sigh. You do know that working parents also bring up their own children? Childcare doesn't raise people's children, parents do, whether they work or not.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 11:46

Have a look at Suzuki - it's like language, the earlier the better. But anyway, being at home with a two year-old is about so much more than enabling prescribed activities like that. It's all the stuff in between that is the real value of parenting.

gillybeanz · 19/11/2017 11:47

I think it depends on the music lessons and activities tbh.
I doubt a working parent could be as committed as I had to be and I thank my lucky stars I wasn't woh.
I'm not suggesting that others couldn't attend a weekly music lesson or the odd activity and work, that's absurd.
At the same time though sahp's have far more flexibility and don't have to choose things for their children that fit into work.
If my dd had something on during the day when others were working there was no juggling, or trying to get time of work, annual leave was unheard of.

OP, it will only work if it's something you both want and the pot is joint.
You should never be in a position where it is his and her money if you have a sahp. It's not a case of he gives me x amount, it's your money too.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 11:49

Messy - yes and being at home doesn't mean you are less aspirational - you're just making a different choice.

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 11:52

Tatiana you don't have to be so defensive about your life choices.

Thymeout · 19/11/2017 11:53

Messy - you're kidding yourself if you think you are raising your 12 month old baby for the 50 hours p.w. it spends at nursery.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2017 11:54

I gave up work when I had my eldest; I was totally not expecting to feel so bad about the prospect of leaving him. We didn't have much money but DP agreed that we could do what I wanted. We supported each other, his career took off.

After I had DC3 I decided to job hunt because DH was working such long hours and we wanted a better work life balance. But we decided to start a business. We thought we'd have less money but it worked out really well.

I had DS1 24 years ago and being able to bring up your own child was definitely seen as something to aspire to. I wanted him to have my input, my values, my commitment to nurturing his intelligence and curiosity and I didn't feel anyone else would do the job as well as me.

I do feel quite sorry for people who don't have those precious early years with their kids. I think its horrible that for most people its not a choice.

And protecting yourself financially is a different issue I think, and more to do with getting an education and skills before having children and taking care over your choice of partner.

MessyBun247 · 19/11/2017 11:56

It wasn't me that said anything about being a SAHM being aspirational or not.

You said that working parents don't bring up their own children, which is totally wrong. Parents raise their children whether they work or not, childcare just helps out while a parent/s is/are at work. Childcare does not raise children and it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

I think the important thing is that both parents are on the same page and in agreement of what will work best for the family. Which in OP's case, they don't seem to be.

MessyBun247 · 19/11/2017 11:58

Do all parents work 50 hours a week??

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 12:06

There’s no probably about paying nursery fees.youre both responsible.prorata to salary
You have no entitlement to being sahp,and choosing not to be waged
Dp needs to agree too.he has a say.how it impacts on you both as couple

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 12:09

There is no obligation on dp to have joint acc with you,despite mn protestations
So long as you both pay bills,rent,food that’s ok.he doesn’t need to have joint acc
You also said he is saving for mortgage deposit,shouldn’t you be contributing by working too

southeastdweller · 19/11/2017 12:10

Alarm bells are ringing for me about the money he's stashing for the deposit. There's any number of things he could (legally) do with that money that could adversely affect you. You say that because of how he was brought up, he doesn't like having a joint account - well, boo fucking hoo. He's married with a family of his own so should have learned a bit more about responsibility and commitment by now.

gillybeanz · 19/11/2017 12:11

This is where the problem arises.
Yes, every woman is entitled to be a sahm, regardless of income.
It costs money for someone else to look after your children, a parent is free. Children need looking after and a parent is usually the best to do this.
Obviously there are those who SS are involved with/ children suffering whose parents aren't the best people to care for them.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/11/2017 12:13

I do feel quite sorry for people who don't have those precious early years with their kids

Do you mean all the dads given how many feel it's a woman's right to stop working and the husband should have no say once he's a father? Or is that different?

Thymeout · 19/11/2017 12:17

Messy - No. Some work part-time. Obviously. But Op is talking about working full-time and 8-6 is what full-time tends to be in London, including commute. Longer for some. And this continues when they're at school, with wrap-around care. Plus expense of covering half term and holidays.

There may be advantages in this. It might be good for dcs. I hope so, because this is the life 2 of my gcs lead. Their parents have no choice.

The Govt regards high employment figures as desirable for the sake of the economy and gives parents incentives to work. But I think they have lost sight of the interests of babies and families.

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 12:19

There is some incredible smuggery on this thread.

I don't think much of it is actually helpful right now to the op who needs to work out a fair way to access finances with her husband regardless of what she does going forward. That's priority 1.

There's middle ground on joint accounts btw. Dh and I have one where we both put the agreed amount of our salaries for household expenses but we have our own accounts and our own money.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2017 12:19

Yes Yellow I do feel sorry for the dads who would like to stay home with their kids but can't. But in my experience it tends to be the mum who prefers to stay home. In my own situation, DH felt more strongly about spending time with our kids when they were older than when they were babies.

One of my really good male friends was a SAHD while his wife worked. It worked well for them.

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 12:20

It's worth a long think about why mums think they should stay home tinkly. And why dadas dont.

Maverick66 · 19/11/2017 12:22

Dh earned the money I stayed at home and reared our family.
Old fashioned and outdated but I have no regrets.

We didn't have extravagant holidays and money was/is very tight but I have reared 3 fantastic children now adults. Yes I would love to have ''my own money' but I chose to stay at home over having a career and extra cash.

I'm not saying my way is the right way but it was the right way for me.

Good luck with your decision.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2017 12:25

RJ I think my long think puts it down to biology. Women tend to build a stronger bond with their infant and are more attuned to their needs. My need to stay at home was both illogical and desperate. DH didn't get it at all, but he was happy to try and make it work for me.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 12:25

Messy I take your point. If I had needed to go back to work, then I would have seen that as the best parenting choice I could have made. If I was miserable at home with the DC, then that would be no good for them and alternative arrangements would have been the best parenting choice I could have made. No judgements needed.

But where there is actually a real choice, then part if that choice will necessarily be a compromise. Do you compromise your job and associated benefits, or being with your children and associated benefits? It's up to the individual, but there is no point in pretending its all the same either way because it's not. It's a lifestyle choice.

I know people will come now and say, "Well if your DH was prepared to do 50/50 parenting, then you could "have it all" - but I don't really care because I wanted to be with the DC regardless. But that's just me and each to their own.

What is important, as others have said, is that your DH is on the same page as you about this kind of thing.

LaurieMarlow · 19/11/2017 12:25

There's a lot of nasty fuckery on this thread.

Without going into it in detail, just want to make the point that I got to a very high level with an instrument with a full time working mum. To suggest you need to give up work to supervise the practice is nonsense.

And I agree none of this is particularly helping the op.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 12:29

Tatiana you don't have to be so defensive about your life choices.

Classic. This is not about my life choices, I work. It about understanding and respecting other people’s.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 12:35

Well as you asked (though not sure how this is relevant to OP grin) two of my DC started Suzuki violin at 3 in the nursery attached to the school. Its very common at their school and its a requirement for Suzuki that parents "learn" with them as its taught by ear and technique at first (no written music). So I go into the school twice a week for this.

Exactly. Eastern European methods can also start children very young and require input from parents. In the Czech Republic, for example, a 4 year old must take aural and rhythm exams to be admitted to the music school (which is free).