Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 10:10

if I worked 3 days. He would probably pay for it.

‘Probably’!? You are going back in January and haven’t properly discussed it?!

Is the house you’re going to buy going to be in joint names? Do you think he will want his deposit ringfenced?

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 10:13

we have family members who would possibly like to look after LO (my mum, his folks) and possibly one day childcare

So neither of you have actually put the child’s name at a nursery for January?

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:14

@Appuskidu I haven’t actually got a job to go back to! I am currently looking.

He has already said he wants to make sure he secures a house for us/for his family. This heavily influences his monthly spending as he puts a lot of pressure on himself to buy a house for us ASAP in the current climate.

OP posts:
missadasmith · 19/11/2017 10:14

He respects me fully and in general is a very respectful person.

no he does not but unless you comprehend that, nothing will change. Best of luck, OP.

lightcola · 19/11/2017 10:14

I am a SAHM and even though we share all the finances it is still tough not bringing any physical money into the house. I will be soon looking for part time work for that very reason.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/11/2017 10:14

It also completely negates the role the SAHP plays in enabling the earner’s career.

Are there really so many men that can't work without a wife at home? The DH is manages his career now, did before and would do so again. Yes there would be payment for childcare but that's it. Housework is simply done around work, it doesn't need a non worker.

The DHs income doesn't matter, the OP doesn't get to decide to quit on her own. He has to be behind that decision. If he doesn't want to be the sole earner, then he absolutely has the right to stand by that. Being a father makes him financially liable for the child but doesn't extend to father's being the only ones to have to work and support.

The fight for equality continues but I'm always amazed at the amount who simply don't want it and want the old fashioned idea of men go to work and women stay home. No aspirations, no wanting more to life etc. It all seems so sad and a waste of education.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:14

You don’t fight because thus far you haven’t questioned his attitude to money. That’s something that needs to change and you need to be prepared to have an argument about it if necessary.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:15

So neither of you have actually put the child’s name at a nursery for January?

Nope, and we wouldn’t use a nursery.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 19/11/2017 10:15

Sahp's have huge value to a family, that's a given. The only reason I would advise caution here is that it's not clear whether the OP's DH recognises that.

The giving her £400 whilst he keeps thousands is concerning and if that attitude continued after she had given up work she could quickly find herself with no access to family money.

It may be that they have both agreed to have £400 a month for personal spends whilst the rest is saved. If that's been done with the agreement of both then it's less of an issue but it's not clear from the OP whether that's the case. My concern would be that it seems as though he gets to decide what the money is spent on and that would make being reliant on him financially very difficult.

Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:15

You may not see your husband as abusive but he is absolutely financially controlling you if he makes you pay half the bills when he earns so much more than you and is squirrelling away thousands of pounds for a rainy day when you would prefer to not have to work so you can take care of your daughter. This is exactly the sort of thing he has been putting his money aside for presumably?
He may be nice in other ways but he needs to open his eyes to the financial imbalance in your relationship.

lightcola · 19/11/2017 10:16

I also worry about being out of the working game for too long and becoming unemployable. Yes we want to be with them all the time when they’re little but what about when they’re teenagers and out all the time. I’d hate to look back and feel like I’ve wasted my life.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:16

The fight for equality continues but I'm always amazed at the amount who simply don't want it and want the old fashioned idea of men go to work and women stay home. No aspirations, no wanting more to life etc. It all seems so sad and a waste of education.

FGS. This is about me wanting to stay home with my little girl. Am I allowed to have that aspiration?

OP posts:
baritonehome · 19/11/2017 10:17

Am I allowed to have that aspiration?

I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration Confused

Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:18

Of course you are. It’s entirely up to you if you want to stay at home with your daughter. But if you are giving up your career to need to establish financial security for yourself for the future. So you need to have a clear plan with your husband that you have equal access and rights to all finances.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:18

It may be that they have both agreed to have £400 a month for personal spends whilst the rest is saved. If that's been done with the agreement of both then it's less of an issue but it's not clear from the OP whether that's the case.

It’s not so much that ‘he gets to decide’ it’s that he is saving to buy us a house. I have put absolutely no money into this whatsoever and it’s all down to him we’re even remotely close to being able to afford a mortgage.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 19/11/2017 10:19

If he won't have a joint account with you then keep working. Are you happy not having a joint account? Have you discussed this with him recently?

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:19

I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration

I’m sorry if wanting to look after my own baby isn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:19

...a good enough decision for you Grin

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 19/11/2017 10:20

You have 3k to play with every month and you can’t afford a house?

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:20

@Ellapaella thank you, and I will do Smile

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:20

But equally if she wants to be a SAHP she has the right to stand by that too. He can’t force her to return to work any more than she can force him to be the sole earner. His wants don’t trump hers.

The fight for equality continues but I'm always amazed at the amount who simply don't want it and want the old fashioned idea of men go to work and women stay home. No aspirations, no wanting more to life etc. It all seems so sad and a waste of education.

Deeply unintelligent and uninformed POV. Particularly as a SAHP can be either gender.

Original poster
crazycatlady5 · 19/11/2017 10:21

@Ellapaella we haven’t always had that amount. He’s been very successful in his career in the past year. Also, where do you live? Deposits are very expensive in the south east of England!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/11/2017 10:23

I would not call being a SAHM an aspiration

Why on earth not? It’s noticeable that some women here are brainwashed by sexist incomprehension of the value of SAH parenting.

SuperPug · 19/11/2017 10:25

Ummm....
He likes to look after his own money. You're very grateful for the money he gives you while in maternity leave.
You realise that you don't have to be grateful for shared money in a marriage while you're raising a child?

MrsPandaBear · 19/11/2017 10:25

I've just returned to work off maternity leave so I'm right in the middle of this now. As others have said, I think you need to have an open conversation about how things will work when you go back to work. I'm assuming if you have always split bills 50/50 ignoring income differences, you also always split chores 50/50 even if one of you worked longer hours?

Does your DH appreciate how much easier life is for him at the moment than it will be if you go back to work? You going back to work will presumably mean:

  • your DH having to pick up more household chores. You will need to agree who does the food shopping, the cleaning, the washing, the cooking, sorts out bills etc?
  • You will also need to agree who does childcare pick ups and drops off. In my job always needing to leave the office on time has negative career implications. If it does for your job make it clear this is a joint responsibility - he won't understand what a pain it is having to run out on time unless he has to do it.
  • Unless you get a nanny there are times your child will be too sick to use your childcare, particularly in their first winter. We split sick days fairly evenly, but depending on his job having to take lots of short notice days off could be really problematic. Based on my 2, your DH would need to set aside at least 5 days holiday for this.

Somebody at work does the same kind of job I do, but his wife doesn't work. He is less stressed, has the ability to put more into his career, and has more free time than I do. We've decided to both go PT instead, but I can definitely see the appeal of having a SAHP with young children!