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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH over ruined underwear?

583 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/11/2017 20:16

Ok, sounds dramatic, right?
But... We have been together years, known each other forever. Today, yet again, he washed my hand wash only underwear in the machine and ruined it. I have lost count of the number of times he has done this.
It is just such a waste and will need replacing. We must have had this scenario every year for the past ten.
It's like that thing on the internet about the man whose wife left him over a cup left on the side, its the constant drip drip drip effect and never learning.
I can't stand his incompetence anymore. How hard is it to check a label? And not mess with the stuff in the separate handwash only basket?!
I am so angry.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 18/11/2017 23:17

Handwash cycles are ok but you need to be able to put them on short wash and turn off the spin.

Inertia · 18/11/2017 23:22

The point is that he didn't make a genuine mistake through trying to be helpful. He didn't do it carelessly or thoughtlessly by not checking a mixed laundry basket. He deliberately chose to go through the handwash-only basket ,searching for clothing that had already been separated, and purposefully added it to an unsuitable wash cycle.

We can all cope with accidents, and tolerate carelessness to a degree. But this is deliberately seeking out the OP's stuff to wreck it, and that isn't a good sign.

EmNetta · 18/11/2017 23:29

I think that even if you stop the underwear wrecking, he'd find some other way to upset you - this is not an accident, and I'd end it before he does find something else.

StrangeLookingParasite · 18/11/2017 23:32

omg now you’re a stepford wife if you think that there are bigger issues in the world than one man not handwashing one womans knickers.

No-one asked him to handwash the knickers. Ever.

Have you ever thought of actually talking to him? You sound like a bit of a princess

Have you ever thought of reading the thread ? She has spoken to him. Repeatedly.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/11/2017 23:35

Instructiong people to reread the thread won’t necessarily alter responses
Folk won’t suddenly see it your way even if you say it in bold

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/11/2017 23:46

OP here - wow! Lots of responses... Thank you to those of you who have understood the drip drip drip effect of this kind of behaviour. It's not really about the underwear per se, it could have been a cashmere sweater or DD's Elsa dress. The point is, he did not think to engage his brain for the two seconds it took to think - this doesn't go in the washer!

To clarify. He was washing some white bedding on a hot wash (I have subsequently tried to understand his thinking). He decided he'd 'make up the load' with other white items. This apparently necessitated searching through the other washing baskets for additional white items. So yes. My white pants and bras that I'd normally wash by hand and are in a separate handwash only basket went on a nice hot wash along with our bedding... They are somewhat the worse for wear as a result.

I don't really know how to respond to his apologies. Yes, it was an 'innocent' mistake. But it's one that is repeated with much regularity. Would he do the same with kids' stuff? Likely. He just doesn't use his brain, even after we have had countless arguments about this very issue. That leaves me feeling like he can't be bothered to care.

OP posts:
tillytown · 18/11/2017 23:54

OP, you are both being unreasonable at all. Nor are you being disrespectful, a princess, or a bad wife. Please ignore the idiots who would rather insult you rather then actually read what you posted.

blueshoes · 18/11/2017 23:54

OP, does he disrespect you in other ways?

MirriVan · 18/11/2017 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillytown · 18/11/2017 23:55

Not not both

esk1mo · 19/11/2017 00:04

what else does he do to add to the drip, drip?

im probably struggling to understand because if my DP done this it wouldnt be a big deal because of all of his redeeming qualities, but it sounds like you dont see you DH that way, so this is the straw that breaks the camels back.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 19/11/2017 00:09

Random anecdote...
My ex-H moved out nearly 7 years ago, thank fuck.

I just moved house and in the last kitchen cupboard we packed up, I found all these nice spode mugs, still in the boxes. I'd totally forgotten about them. When ex-h still lived with me, he broke my favourite things so often that I bought and hid extras so I could replace them. Once he'd moved out, I no longer needed to even think about the existence of the spares and I had completely forgotten about them. and that I used to do that.

He broke things - only ever things I liked - not the horrible mismatched chipped crap - at least once a week.

Since he moved out, we have had 3 breakages in nearly 7 years. That's a household with 3 children, who were quite young at the start of that time.

My 'normal' until he left was near-constant smashing of my things, by accident'. It really wore me down.

He also melted a projector I bought myself that I loved.

He spilled paint down the stairs of a friend while we stayed with her.

He never broke his own things, or anything at work.

He was abusive in other ways too, and an all-round cuntblister, but finding those mugs did bring back a lot of memories.

MsHarveySpecter · 19/11/2017 00:10

YANBU

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 00:12

So what you want to do sprinkle?divorce him?trial separation
How you want this to play out?whats a good ending

gillybeanz · 19/11/2017 00:14

Make him buy you more, actually him going to the shop, paying with his own money.
Also get him to pick up a laundry net that he never puts in the wash.
Place your none machine washables in the net and wash them yourself.

HelenaDove · 19/11/2017 00:15

Its the lack of respect for OP and her property.

Six and a half years ago i used to put underwired bras in the washing machine.

Until the time when i unloaded the machine and there was a bad burning smell.

The material on the bra had burned through and the wire was exposed.

So destroyed. Machine looked ok so the next day we ran some old tracky bottoms and towels through just to make sure During this wash the glass in the door cracked and broke and fell into the machine.

When the guy fitted the replacement washing machine he said WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT PUT UNDERWIRED BRAS IN THERE!

i never have since. I would not risk it again and im 32HH so my size is v. hard to find on a budget.

CountFosco · 19/11/2017 00:16

I really hate how some men seem to disregard labels. I separated the washing this morning and asked DH if he knew why things were in the handwash/wool wash pile. He knew about the wool. The rest he said 'it's all this shiny slippy material'. I made him look at the labels 'oh, is that what silk is like?' he said. FFS. I have lost count of the times I've told him if he was this incompetent at work he'd have been sacked by now. At least in my case it seems to only be clothes that he is this stupid about, the man can and does cook, clean and look after our children more than competently so he's staying for the moment.

brabenot · 19/11/2017 00:20

It's not so bad when you're young but as you get older or ill, the constant drip drip is absolutely wearing. We've been married 25 years but for the last 2 years I've been ill and that's when it becomes REALLY draining. I would just love one or two days when stupid "mistakes" or "accidents" don't happen. Yet my dh does seem to really love me. He protects me, supports me, does just about everything in the home. He is my carer because I am ill and disabled but he drives me up the bloody wall!! Even DD asks how I put up with him? So, what to do? I love him but I hate him. I sometimes dream of being in a little flat on my own with only myself to think of, isn't that selfish after all he does for me? I now spend most of my days (when we're not going out) upstairs in bed listening to music even when I'm well enough to be downstairs just to avoid the constant irritations and having to repeat myself. One example is our daughter has alopecia and wears wigs. She shaves her head and doesn't want her friends to see her without her wig. Fair enough, her choice. One day she was off work having a lie in and told dh if her friend called round, to give her a shout and she would put wig on and come down. When the friend knocked he just sent her straight upstairs. DD was so upset and I absolutely bollocked him when friend had gone. His excuse, he "forgot". I seriously could have left him that day but DD was upset enough as it was. So OP, I completely get it but think on, you could be just like me one day. Plodding on but absolutely seething inside. It's bloody awful, like a trap! Phew, feel better for that. On the days I can manage to ignore the stupidness and we go out, we have great times together. Go figure!

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2017 00:25

OK, so it doesn't sound like actual malice. But what it does show is a deep-seated attitude that you don't matter. Your stuff doesn't matter; your requests for him to do things properly are irrelevant woman-wittering, and really all the housework is your job, because he's got Important Man Shit to think about.

I can really understand how this wears you down to the point where you think of leaving him.

Shadow666 · 19/11/2017 00:26

Honestly, I think more and more women and men are becomming incompatible to live with each other. In the past it was hard for women to divorce but these days a lot of women seem much happier single.

HelenaDove · 19/11/2017 00:27

I think SGB has nailed it.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 19/11/2017 00:27

Flowers brabe

Hmm - does he do other stuff like this? Yes and no. He can be very organised and efficient, surprise surprise, at work. It’s when my time is wasted that annoys me the most and there are many examples of that. Like the time he was in the freezer and I asked him to check if we had something I was going to use in a meal and he said yes and then come dinner time, guess what? It wasn’t there. But he did ‘look’ as he was in the cellar with the freezer lid open. I could see him from the top of the steps! So - extra trip to the supermarket for me. I suppose I could have sent him but given we had guests coming over, I didn’t trust him to get it right.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 19/11/2017 00:28

Its a myth that women were happier in the past Shadow.

Ever heard the phrase "mothers little helpers" Many women were prescribed certain pills to keep them "happy and pliant"

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 19/11/2017 00:31

He also does things like rewashing a load of towels or a basket of washing that is clean and dry but sitting in the utility room waiting to be put away. If that was me, and I wasn’t sure, I’d smell it and think, oh yes, that smells of fabric conditioner. It’s clearly been washed! But no, in his wish to ‘be helpful’ he chucks the same thing in again. It’s just such a waste of time and effort! He genuinely thinks he’s being helpful and appears not to understand my annoyance. I realize I have a lot in common with the ladies on the incompetent husbands thread.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 19/11/2017 00:41

I was about to mention the Incompetent Husband thread.

I know we can all forgive the odd mistake. I didn't clear my jeans pocket the other day and the laundry came out with bits of tissue all over it. My husband forgives me. But if I did it over and over and over again and ruined his things in the process, I can see why that would cause upset. It's a lack of respect.