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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH over ruined underwear?

583 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/11/2017 20:16

Ok, sounds dramatic, right?
But... We have been together years, known each other forever. Today, yet again, he washed my hand wash only underwear in the machine and ruined it. I have lost count of the number of times he has done this.
It is just such a waste and will need replacing. We must have had this scenario every year for the past ten.
It's like that thing on the internet about the man whose wife left him over a cup left on the side, its the constant drip drip drip effect and never learning.
I can't stand his incompetence anymore. How hard is it to check a label? And not mess with the stuff in the separate handwash only basket?!
I am so angry.

OP posts:
EmNetta · 19/11/2017 14:33

Anyone who thinks husbands are just being thick when they get domestic stuff wrong should have seen and heard my husband's efforts whenever I was ill. After a few years, I was forced to the conclusion that he was using his (considerable) brain power to wreck something new every time - why? Because he was resentful, knew he was being unreasonable so couldn't justify his feelings in a mature discussion, therefore it had to be some silent destruction. Every.effing.time.

EmNetta · 19/11/2017 14:37

Nineties: Or start looking for the real reason for his pretend- incompetence...

brabenot · 19/11/2017 14:43

Tatiana "tactical crapness" I used to think this but take this morning's example (upthread) dh would have gone back downstairs to do more toast. So what is it, I just don't understand? Anyway I hope this thread helps OP, if only to show her she's not alone.

buckeejit · 19/11/2017 15:18

OP, I’m with you & this thread is depressing. It sounds like he is incompetent rather than neglectful but it’s still draining.

Instead of all the advice on things you could do to prevent him from getting it wrong why don’t you ask him what he thinks he could do to fix this & ensure there’s no repeat. Explain how fed up you are of it & send him to get replacements.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 19/11/2017 15:20

You hand was your underware!!?? What is wrong with you??? On another note. Don't leave him. Have it out with him and ask him never to help with washing.

ladyballs · 19/11/2017 15:43

EmNetta my STBXH was an angry, passive aggressive man whose speciality was silent destruction. Only my possessions, mind.

YANBU OP.

veryveryquietly · 19/11/2017 16:01

OP, if you come back, sorry so many people are wilfully misreading this thread and not getting it.

You shouldn't have to explain to him, yet again, why what he's doing is wrong. But if you do, maybe try an analogy to work? How would he feel about a coworker who repeatedly lost important data or broke office machines because they were 'too lazy to think' as previous poster said?

It sounds like he thinks he knows better than you and can't be arsed to remember or thinks you are overreacting. Does he think he would get away with that attitude with his boss or his immediate colleagues if he, for instance, kept breaking the printer when other people had important materials that needed to be printed asap? (Maybe he would, and maybe he does, in which case, urgh.)

It does smack to me of a dismissive attitude towards household things and relationships that is in the end quite damaging. If this is the absolutely only thing going wrong, then ok, there's got to be a way to work around it. But if this encapsulates some larger truth about the relationship, well, that's a hard one.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 19/11/2017 17:16

brabenot that could easily be a shit memory. I have one of those. That example may be solved by texting him what you want for breakfast.

isitthestew · 19/11/2017 17:29

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pollymere · 19/11/2017 17:42

My dh is a lovely man. However he has ruined every set of silk underwear I've ever had by suddenly deciding to be helpful and put washing on. Love is about accepting people for who they are, even if they do ruin your underwear.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 19/11/2017 17:46

Wish people wouldn't focus on if the OP should be buying cheap pants or not - lets pretend it's something else just for you that you do value - perhaps if your 'D'H collected up lipsticks/make up you'd left out and put on the radiator to tidy them, so they all melted and couldn't be used. You replaced them and made sure you found somewhere to store them that wasn't in the way, but he collected them up from where you'd put them and put on the radiator to melt them again.

would that piss you off?

There's lots of stuff people buy for themselves that can easily be ruined by someone deciding to "help" in a way that they know is distructive.

The OP isn't asking her DH to learn the correct way to wash her stuff, she's just asking him not to touch it. She's not putting it in with the normal dirty clothes so he could accidentally pick them up. This is all requiring a lot of effort on his behalf to ruin her stuff.

It's not an accident, so the question for the OP is why.

Tokillamockingalan · 19/11/2017 17:54

Who the hell has time in their lives to hand wash their underwear??? There are bigger things to worry about. If this what qualifies as ‘the straw that breaks the camels back’ I’d suggest you’re just a bit too high maintenance.

YABU

Smudge100 · 19/11/2017 18:01

Sometimes it’s the smallest if things that can make you want to up and off. All the actually rather unhelpful suggestions that you buy different underwear entirely miss the point. It’s his disregard for you and your possessions that you hold dear that is the issue. How would he react if you repeatedly destroyed something he was attached to? The likelihood is that he won’t improve so you need to decide if you can put up with it.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 19/11/2017 18:04

Why does it matter that it's underwear? I don't understand why people are getting so hung up about that one detail. OP has decided to buy some expensive underwear - surely it's up to her to decide if she wants to make time to hand-wash it? Why does it make her "high maintenance"? How is this any different to looking after a treasured photograph? Or a piece of jewellery? It's irrelevant whether other people would spend £££ on underwear or not - we all have our own things that we choose to spend money on. The point is that her H has continually ignored her requests not to touch her hand-wash items, under the guise of being 'helpful'.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 19/11/2017 18:05

I don’t know OP.

If this is the tip of the iceberg of many, many small things that show that underlying he doesn’t love you, respect you, care for you, or is loyal to you then YANBU

However, if he loves you, and you love him, let it go!

Ecureuil · 19/11/2017 18:06

Who the hell has time in their lives to hand wash their underwear???

Someone who has 10 mins to spare (when he/she could be watching TV or something else) and who values their expensive possessions.

Truzza · 19/11/2017 18:07

Do you think it’s a control thing? He doesn’t like the thought of you having nice underwear? I’m presuming it’s all silky stuff that usually needs handwashing... I’m not buying the whole just trying to help! He’s doing on purpose

Ttcjo · 19/11/2017 18:07

If you want something doing well do it yourself

PoorYorick · 19/11/2017 18:13

Who the hell has time in their lives to hand wash their underwear???

Well, if you've got time to post on MN....Anyway, I have. I have to. J cup wires require it.

There are bigger things to worry about.

Nothing in my house is bigger than my tits. They get priority.

Anyway, the point isn't how OP chooses to spend her time and money. It's about taking care of others' possessions. Which OP has made easy to do.

Shen0102 · 19/11/2017 18:14

I was my underwear in the shower and hang them after the shower.. no need to ever worry about running out of underwear or having them ruined in the washing machine.

JacquesHammer · 19/11/2017 18:19

*Who the hell has time in their lives to hand wash their underwear??? There are bigger things to worry about

I dunno, you're posting on MN which seems fairly non-essential...

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 19/11/2017 18:19

I don't think it's tactical crapness with DH. He doesn't need to hang any washing out except his own, and I don't want him to. He thinks he's helping, I let him get on with it and swap in the morning.

EmilyChambers79 · 19/11/2017 18:19

Emily why? Why do you repeatedly do it when you know it's wrong

Because sometimes the age 10 clothes look huge on the hanger. It's only me affected by it though as I buy it then return it.

Read my DH this thread and he raised the same point about my clothes buying and said no way is it worthy of a divorce. That yes, he can't understand why I don't just buy the 10 year old but lets me get on with it.

On the plus side, I've got DS PJ's for Christmas and they are a size bigger than he needs Grin

Categoric · 19/11/2017 18:28

The OP is not being spoilt or silly. I have several friends with husbands who can’t do simple household tasks. They are always complaining about the state of their marriage. There are lots of comments about how you can’t expect a man to do the washing or that their husbands are babysitting. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t claim to be superhuman or perfect in any way but I can keep a house clean and feed my family and so can my husband. Why would you share your life with someone so incompetent that they regularly damage things? Or are too lazy to do their fair share?

I have a DS and a DD. They can both cook a simple meal, stack the dishwasher, hoover, clean up after themselves and put a wash on. The youngest is 11. It’s really not that difficult.

Expect more!

katenins · 19/11/2017 18:29

My husband has never put a load of my washing on in the 11years we’ve been together!! Not sure he even knows how to use it....confused]