AIBU to think my friend is taking the piss?

[Linning]

Was supposed to meet with friend this evening to help her out with a project and catch up. We were supposed to meet up at around 6pm when she was due out of work but at 6pm she sent me a text saying "Just got off work, I am heading to the gym now, will be done at around 9pm, let's meet then! x" . Didn't say anything, figured I could use the time to do stuff around the house and do a bit of work. Come 9 pm and she sends me another text saying that she "just finished her gym session and was now going to get a shower and go home" so I simply told her to text me when she was home and ready and I would come over (she lives close by), about an hour later I received another text from her saying that she had "just bumped into a friend who has just moved in the area and she was off to check out her new appartment but she would text me when she left her friend's flat so we could meet." It is now 11pm (!) where I am living and I am sat at home supposedly waiting for a text from her to tell me she is now finally ready to meet me.

So am I unreasonable to think she is taking the utter piss? She has a form for this too. She once asked to meet up with her at a certain time, then texted me when I was ready to tell me that she would need an extra hour to clean up her place and have a quick shower, when I got there an hour later, she had "fallen asleep" so I had to wait an extra 30 minutes in her living room while she showered and got ready, we then spent an hour together (where I got dragged along to buy furniture for her place) before she casually told me that she had a skype session scheduled with her therapist in about 15 minutes and did I think we could meet up again when she was done an hour later.

So is that me or this friend absolutely doesn't value me or my time at all? I have no problem being flexible and rescheduling but I have feeling she has taken it to the next level now and I am especially angry as I have refused other plans for the night so I could be available for her and her project and have now been left feeling like a proper mug.

OP, expat is right that you are still playing the game by her rules. For example when you arrived at her house this morning and found her in her pjs with an assortment of colleagues/friends in attendance and you knew this would make concentrating on the task in hand difficult you should have told her then that as she clearly wasn't prioritising either your time or her project you were not prepared to help any further and left.

A further example - you stayed to help and 'catch up' even knowing that concentration for both of you would be impacted, she spoke about personal things about you in front of people you don't know, you didn't feel comfortable about this but you still didn't do anything about it or challenge her on it.

If you care about her I think it's worth sitting her down and talking through her actions. People will just drop her for doing incredibly annoying things like keeping them waiting for hours, and if she is genuinely lacking the brain to see that this would be annoying, she'll wonder why she doesn't have any friends....

Op I wasn’t suggesting she’s autistic, I’m
Saying she seems to have no idea what other people might be thinking. So, not thinking you might be pissed off by being messed about, not thinking her behaviour in front of other people was odd, yet saying “don’t judge me” because she’s no idea at all of people will judge her or not! She sounds like she’s socially baffled.

Looking on the bright side Linning, you now realise you've been treated poorly by her and that you need to work on asserting yourself. You have the ideal person to practice on as she'll give you plenty of opportunity to work on boundaries I'm sure, and if she really is clueless you can tell her exactly how she keeps messing up. Win win.

Also mabey she did not want to meet up with you and was making a bunch of excuses to throw you off, which obviously didn't work. Practise roll playing scenarios in the mirror or with another friend. That way you might find it easier to say no and the more you assert yourself, the easier it will become.

I'd rather lose the money for the Ticket and tear the Ticket up... than allow this little Madam to have one over on you OP... she's taking the Piss on a grand scale.... do not give her THAT TICKET

My friend used to do that. Meet with me and invite some random friend of hers. Now each time she asks to meet up I ask if she’s alone or with Friends and if she’s with Friends I’ll wait for another time as I prefer a proper catch up. She once asked me if I had anything against her other friends and I said no but I wasn’t interested in spending time with them.

good grief I'm sorry.. that's not the correct responding post for this Thread lol sorry girls

Which thread are you on Gemini69?

Next time she phones you or sends a text just reply "I can't talk right now, just going into a meeting/ to drive/ in the dentists etc"..............................and don't text back.

Let her do the running and either keep her at arms length or only if you've nothing else planned.

If she comes to your house have something else planned that you have to leave the house if you don't feel you can get her out easily.

There will be other work projects I'm sure. Don't be available for them.

I think Gemini is on the "Want money for the ticket" thread.

Thanks 70isaLimit

Yip...the Money for the Tickets ... the Concert is tomorrow... and the Cousin hasn't responded to any messages or texts... but is bragging how excited she is to be going on FB.. lol

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3089918-To-ask-for-my-money

Thanks and sorry for hijacking the thread

@Linning I think you're doing well to establish boundaries. Some people who've never had an issue with it don't understand how hard it is to start saying "no" when you're conditioned to say "yes". But you've recognised it and started to do something about it. You've a fair way to go, but you know that! Ignore the posters who are telling you you're a mug, doormat etc - you're taking the first steps to change, so focus on that!

Thanks and sorry for hijacking the thread

not atall... my bad.. I'm the Dippo

Looks like CF couldn't wait a full day before taking the piss again so I have finally put my foot down and told her where to go.

For a bit of background about how it went down, from about 7pm today I started receiving various phone calls from her, but as I had made it pretty clear to her yesterday that I wouldn't be available at all for the rest of the weekend and was pretty positive she wasn't in a life or death situation, I just ignored her calls. She didn't give up though and ended up sending me various messages about how she needed me and could I please come over for a chat as she was feeling very upset. Since I didn't answer she ended up sending me audios of her "histerically crying" because she was upset that she had been ditched last minute by a friend and "how dare she make her wait and lose her afternoon" and "how dare she cancel on her to go on a date" blah blah blah. I was absolutely gobsmacked. Literally shocked and furious that she dared to come cry on my shoulder about that after what happened yesterday, so I have done what I should have done a LONG time ago and told her where to go/sent her the following:

"Listen X, had you sent me those messages a few days ago I would have felt sympathy for you and would have come over to yours or invited you around at mine for a glass of wine but I cannot actually believe that you dare complain about a friend canceling on you and rescheduling last minute when this is exactly what you have done to me repeatedly and no later than yesterday! You have some cheek. Have you already forgotten that I spent last evening waiting for a bloody text from you saying that you were ready to meet me when I had specifically arranged my work schedule around you so I was available to provide you with the help you had so eagerly asked for to then not hear from you until about midnight? Does that seem acceptable to you? I have tried very hard not to lose it last night and then again this morning when I found you in your Pjs chatting with (colleague 1) and (colleague 2) while I was trying to help you out with your project but I think I have really reached my breaking point. I am glad you consider me a friend but at this stage, I really don't think I can say the same thing about you.
You have made it very clear last night and then again today how little you value me, my time and my privacy (I really didn't appreciate you talking about (...) and (...) with your friends without taking the time to ask me if that was okay!) so I have reached this point where I am needing to put some distance between us so I can cool down and think about our friendship going forward. Hoping you will respect that and won't try to reach out before I am ready. "

Obviously she's called me a few times but I have for now put her on mute and have been ignoring my phone altogether.

I'm really surprised at how liberating getting it all out of my chest has been for me who very much hate confrontation. A part of me still feel quite guilty for having sent that message when she was already upset and feeling low but I know I have done the right thing and was more than justified (just need to learn not to feel guilty for stopping people from taking the piss). I am not sure what will happen with her going forward and do dread potentially bumping into her in town but for now I have decided to focus on having a lovely weekend (drama free) and forget about the CF for a bit.

Gemini69 don't worry about hijacking this thread I have been watching the other thread (with popcorn in hands) as well as I am wanting to know the outcome and whether or not the OP will dare selling the ticket if the cousin doesn't reach out with the money. Maybe I should reach out to her and offer to buy the ticket myself? I could kind of do with going to a concert to get my mind away from my own CF tbh

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thanks for the lovely words, they are very much appreciated! Setting boundaries and sticking to them is hard when you have been used to accommodate everyone all of your life, I am trying my best but I definitely still have a long road to go. Your encouragements do mean a lot though!

Wow Linning that's amazing! I'm gobsmacked (in a good way)

Well done Linning, that was a good message to send. It was polite, yet got your point across well.

Can't believe she was so hypocritical, complaining about her friend doing exactly the same thing she had just the night before. And trying to get you to go around to hers, even though you'd told her you would be busy. She doesn't think about you at all. It's as if you're just there to service her needs.

Don't be tempted to answer any of her messages, until you're ready. She's already ignored your request to give you some space, so you would also not be wrong to never contact her again.

Wowsers, Lining. Good for you. Very brave, very assertive. I hope she takes the comments on board and that it strengthens your friendship. However she takes it, you've done a fabulous thing. I hope you're super-proud!!!!

Well done OP! I can't believe how bloody needy she is. That would have had me binning her off long ago.

OK op its cute and everything but give it up.

Learn the fucking lesson and ditch the fake friend.

Life is too short.

Thank you! I wish I felt as good about sending the message as I did when I first sent it to be honest. Now that I have had time to cool down a bit I am really feeling a bit guilty. I know I shouldn't and like I said I know I have done the right thing but as previously mentioned, she suffers from depression and has just moved here, so apart from her colleagues, I really don't think she has anyone to count on and I am a bit worried about her and how she will and is currently dealing with it. She hasn't sent anything suicidal to me or anything like that (and I don't think she ever mentioned having had those thoughts before) so she probably isn't in that mindset at all nor at risk to cause herself harm but I can't help to worry about what withdrawing my support will mean for her mental health in the long/short term.

I know that at the end of the day her mental health isn't my problem to deal with and that she brought it upon herself but it's not as easy as I expected to walk away without looking back and worrying about her.

Well done OP! My god she’s delusional isn’t she , whining TO YOUthat she’s being treated by someone the way she treated you.

Next step is ditch the bitch! You deserve far better.

Fluffypinkpyjamas That's why I wonder if she isn't on the spectrum somehow? I have very little knowledge of Austism or anything surrounding it and it's very possible that she is simply delusional but it seems to me like she is very much in touch with her own feelings but cannot at all grasp the fact that other people have feelings too and may go through the same range of emotions as her so I wonder if there is indeed a deeper problem to her and if this could explain a few of her behaviours. She is followed by a therapist though so I am guessing he would have detected it if that was the case. I am just having a hard time believing that an adult can lack so much in the "social awareness" department without it being the sign of a deeper problem.