AIBU to think my friend is taking the piss?

[Linning]

Was supposed to meet with friend this evening to help her out with a project and catch up. We were supposed to meet up at around 6pm when she was due out of work but at 6pm she sent me a text saying "Just got off work, I am heading to the gym now, will be done at around 9pm, let's meet then! x" . Didn't say anything, figured I could use the time to do stuff around the house and do a bit of work. Come 9 pm and she sends me another text saying that she "just finished her gym session and was now going to get a shower and go home" so I simply told her to text me when she was home and ready and I would come over (she lives close by), about an hour later I received another text from her saying that she had "just bumped into a friend who has just moved in the area and she was off to check out her new appartment but she would text me when she left her friend's flat so we could meet." It is now 11pm (!) where I am living and I am sat at home supposedly waiting for a text from her to tell me she is now finally ready to meet me.

So am I unreasonable to think she is taking the utter piss? She has a form for this too. She once asked to meet up with her at a certain time, then texted me when I was ready to tell me that she would need an extra hour to clean up her place and have a quick shower, when I got there an hour later, she had "fallen asleep" so I had to wait an extra 30 minutes in her living room while she showered and got ready, we then spent an hour together (where I got dragged along to buy furniture for her place) before she casually told me that she had a skype session scheduled with her therapist in about 15 minutes and did I think we could meet up again when she was done an hour later.

So is that me or this friend absolutely doesn't value me or my time at all? I have no problem being flexible and rescheduling but I have feeling she has taken it to the next level now and I am especially angry as I have refused other plans for the night so I could be available for her and her project and have now been left feeling like a proper mug.

I think you did the right thing. It's a bit weird and manipulative to send audio of yourself crying, that's very strange.

I think as one way of 'putting your foot down' is doing what red dog says...
If you want to continue this 'friendship', I would write a very 'to the point letter'... Including the points you wrote above...
It's not ok asking for professional advice and then messing me about for 6 hours. Etc etc

Talking about my very personal issues in front of people I don't know... This is NOT OK.

If you do this, she'll probably get quite upset. I do wonder whether this r/s is worth trying to keep

When I was reading your messages I did keep wondering whether you were from different cultures.... I have come across these maddening type of behaviour previously.
Only you can decide!

Sorry OP I missed your message earlier!

Well done!!

Her subsequent messages really are incredible.. It really shows you what you are dealing with..
For my own sanity I would be putting as much distance as you can...

I don't think as this relationship stands - it's never going to develop into a rich, mutually beneficial friendship.
She's too labile and fragile.

It does sound as if she really needs to see a medic and get referred for relationship issues

Your text to friend was fair and honest, and worded really well. Sending a video of crying !!! Strange behaviour. Well done you.

Sending that audio of her crying?! and she has tried to contact you even after you asked her not to?! She's selfish, manipulative and a user. It's all about her, she has no consideration for you. Stop feeling guilty and concentrate on your 2 way friendships, the give and take ones.

I’m autistic and while I’m well aware it can mean being socially awkward or even unintentionally offensive/blunt, it’s not something that makes someone manipulative. The sending of the crying and the manipulation just sound like someone who is very determined to get their own way and prepared to use all manner of manipulation to get what they want. Having researched autism for nearly 10 years, having had 3 autistic kids and having it myself that doesn’t sound like autism to me.
However, it does sound like she may have some mental health issues which she needs to seek help for.
Well done sending the text, it was calm and got the point across about how much she’d hurt you and how poorly she’d treated you. She needed to hear that her actions impact on others too.

That is very strange behaviour

I agree with Notreallyarsed.

I am autistic, as are a number of my friends, and whilst we all fuck up socially on occasion, being deliberatively manipulative is not an autistic trait.

Sending audio files of yourself crying designed to elicit a particular response is NOT autism.

My dd is autistic and she'd be more likely to worry that she's not being a burden on her friends. I've never known her to be manipulative because she totally wears her heart on her sleeve. Sometimes I think she considers others too much over her own feelings.

I doubt that your friend is on the spectrum unless it's a spectrum of being a twat.

She has gone to far & is trying to reel you back in.

Just read your first post again.

She went to the gym for 3hrs!
Then an hr after that she had bumped into a friend!

About 6hrs later than arranged she was still expecting you just to jump & go to her.

None of the things she did had to be done & she could have met you at the arranged time.

She gave you no thought at all, just did what she wanted & expected you to be there ready & waiting when she decided.

It doesn’t matter what culture you’re from, doing those kind of things is just plain silly and odd. How old is she? Far too much drama. Just stop all contact now. Lengthy texts backwards and forwards would drive me up the wall.

I'm with notreally and co. She may have some of the social unawareness (or she may just not care) but she's being deliberately manipulative.
But a big woo-hoo on your reply OP!!!! I'm dying to find out how / if she responds

I doubt that your friend is on the spectrum unless it's a spectrum of being a twat

In a nutshell

I am too! Hopefully it’s not more manipulation though.
I had to call out a “friend” a few weeks ago who had been behaving incredibly selfishly which I put up with until she deliberately ruined a party I’d had for my kids and their pals. I told her in no uncertain terms she was out of order and cut contact.
Funnily enough a few weeks later she apologised.

OP your friend is not only a hypocrite but is being extremely manipulative by sending those crying audio messages. I totally disagree that she is not self-aware - she knows exactly what she is doing.

She has used you and wants to continue dropping and picking you up at will, she was let down and didn't want to be on her own "oh, who can I call and get running to my side? oh, I know OP will dance to my tune." She will be shocked it hasn't worked this time BUT be prepared for the next round of guilt tripping and manipulation no doubt phrases such as "but you know what I'm like, I thought you understood me, you've never let me down before, I thought friends accepted people with all their faults, etc., etc., all designed to make you feel sorry for her, terrible for what you've said and to reel you back in to be her doormat - don't fall for it.

Unless you can set boundaries on this friendship that work for both of you and unless she accepts and agrees that her treatment of you is wrong and needs to change this is not a friendship that is worth saving.

You are not responsible for her or her mental health, you are responsible for your own mental health and allowing yourself to be her lap dog because you feel sorry for her will do your self esteem no favours at all.

Well done ... and you should be proud for standing up for yourself... don't feel bad.. she needed to hear the truth facts of her own behaviour ... you did good Lady

Don’t feel bad for the message you sent her - I think that you may have actually done her a service by telling her honestly how her behaviour is rude and pisses people off. I hope that she reflects on this and is able to develop meaningful friendships going forward.
To have just ghosted her may have been a less confrontational way out, but she would continue to make the same mistakes and end up even unhappier than she is now.

Good point. Bear in mind there is not one person (I don't think) who has said yabu. This is not different perspectives, this is black and white, she is wrong. She needs to know that.

I'd have sent a text at 6pm saying "I'll leave it tonight then"

Her previous track record would then make me decide what to do - with your friends record it would be busy next time she suggests meeting or to arrange it and then cancel half an hour before .

Long term I think you need to decide whether this is worth it tbh?

Good on you op. You should have done that ages ago. No she's just a cheeky feckers who will end up with no friends if she treats them like shite.

Try not to feel guilty about sending her that message, OP.

Would it help to consider, that if she’s genuinely so socially unaware that she can’t see any problem with her actions - then, arguably, having someone bluntly point out how much her behaviour is unacceptable and damaging to friendships, might help her to avoid making similar mistakes in the future, if she pauses to reflect on it.

And if she’s fully aware of how her behaviour is unacceptable, but is just taking advantage of your better nature, well then you’d have nothing to feel guilty about even if you’d sent her the rudest message imaginable.

'I know I have done the right thing but as previously mentioned, she suffers from depression and has just moved here, so apart from her colleagues, I really don't think she has anyone to count on and I am a bit worried about her and how she will and is currently dealing with it. She hasn't sent anything suicidal to me or anything like that (and I don't think she ever mentioned having had those thoughts before) so she probably isn't in that mindset at all nor at risk to cause herself harm but I can't help to worry about what withdrawing my support will mean for her mental health in the long/short term. sad

I know that at the end of the day her mental health isn't my problem to deal with and that she brought it upon herself but it's not as easy as I expected to walk away without looking back and worrying about her.'

Look, Linning, I suffer from hella PTSD and depression following the loss of my daughter. My son has high-functioning autism. Neither is an excuse to be manipulative and treat people the way she has you. She is an adult. Her mental health is her problem. Most people who are troubled by poor mental health are apt to be ultra-concerned about being a burden on others, not ripping the piss out of them, using them, fucking them about by cancelling or putting them off when they've invited them somewhere or asked them to do something, guilt tripping them, gaslighting them, emotionally blackmailing them with shit like this latest stunt she's pulled.

For just having moved here, she's awfully busy with all these friends - bumping into them, going to the gym with them, having them over at stupid o'clock on a Sunday morning when you got out of bed after 4 hours to help her out.

She's an emotional succubus who very obviously thinks she's the alpha vampire and others are there just to kowtow to her and how dare they not do it! Or call her on it!

Someone like this is a narcissist. Narcs are usually incapable of true friendship because that requires a two-way street; theirs runs only one way - their way.

Worry about yourself and working on your own boundaries so people like this don't take advantage of your kind nature and your generosity with your time, your skills, your care and concern.

Because this person is worthy of none of it. This wasn't a one off, the stunt she pulled this week, because this is who she is.

No friend.

You did fabulously! You deserve real friends because you're a good friend yourself.

I mentally applaud you!

If she is not fully aware, truly, the most logical explanation for it is that she is a narcissist.

Hi!
Thank you all, I have let go of the guilt a bit today after reading all of your messages and realizing that she probably is just a cheeky twat and not suffering from anything deeper. I hope I didn't offend anyone by suggesting she was on the spectrum, like I said I have very little knowledge of Autism and probably was just clinging at straws that there was more to her and it than it simply being a mug/CF case.

Thanks again for all the kind words they all have been very much appreciated.

Nikephorus She has been texting to ask if we could talk but I simply reiterated that I needed time and would appreciate it if she stopped texting for a while. I think it would benefit her if we could meet in person as she probably know that I have a hard time being as assertive in person as I am right now through texts so I am trying to keep her at bay. I also have to remind myself that she has yet to apologize to me, as while she did thank me for my time yesterday, she not once apologized for making me waste my time /evening on Friday which lead me to believe that she still hasn't acknowledged what she has done and how flexible I have been with her, and I am pretty positive that she would probably just come up with a bunch of excuses to justify herself if we were to meet and talk it out.

I am really starting to see her for who she is now, and don't really feel like pursuing the friendship any longer. I guess I owe it to mumsnet though as had I not posted I am pretty positive I would have ended up going over at midnight to help her out like the mug that I am (was?). So thank you.

You do what you need to do, it's your right to sack off the friendship.