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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's Christmas gift entitlement. AIBU?

301 replies

honeylulu · 17/11/2017 20:47

I think I know the answer to this but I agreed I would put it out there on mumsnet and ask for opinions which I will then show him.

Son is 12 (13 in April). I always ask him to do a Christmas list and until now it's been fine but in the last year he's developed a serious designer clothing/shoes interest. This is not inherited from me or his dad btw! We live fairly modestly.

His list this year is eye watering and includes: Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

We are comfortably off (household income in the region of £150k) and until now we've felt able to fulfil his wishes, given that his lists have been much more modest in previous years. For example last year he had a laptop as his main present and we spent around £500 including stocking gifts. I realise that I maybe should have started managing his expectations earlier but it hasn't been issue so far.

This year his whole list would run into thousands! So we have had to caution that he will only get a very limited amount of the items, or he can reduce the designer-ness of his requests and get more items but we are not a bottomless money pit. His reaction was that we have always got him what he asked for so far why not this year?

Rather unchristmassy but we said that there is a budget. (By way of background we are about to buy a big do-er upper of a house and will have to also keep /fund our current house until we can renovate enough to move in so money is tighter this year although we had agreed we would not reduce the usual budget for kids gifts, just have less ourselves). The budget similar to last year is, for him, £400 plus extra for stocking gifts. (We also have a 3 year old but can get away with a much smaller budget for her as she is happy with My Little Ponies etc at the moment.)

He says his friends get much more than that - more presents/ bigger budget even though their parents earn less and we are mean and can afford more. We think that is bollocks. We probably could afford more but that's not the point.

£400 seems like plenty for main presents.

AIBU? I will be showing any replied to husband and son.

OP posts:
SequinRash · 17/11/2017 21:33

Get him to do a reverse advent calendar for starters - something in the food bank donation box every day of december.

My parents were always (probably a bit too) generous (although im an adult now and ive never owned any designer clothes) but if i'd scoffed at a £400 budget.

One thing my dad would point out which i think is very salient is how long it would take him or his (well-paid) employees to earn an item.
Maybe you could show him how long it would take a cleaner, a nurse, a receptionist etc to earn all that stuff?

PeppermintPasty · 17/11/2017 21:34

This is a Christmas story, surely...

SequinRash · 17/11/2017 21:35

Maybe you could also tell him about universal credit and about how some people will be stranded with no money until after christmas?

Mummaofboys · 17/11/2017 21:35

He’s sounding like a spoilt brat, manage his expectations now before it gets out of hand. A child his age doesn’t need Gucci shoes when will he wear them? But a posh watch might be a nice suitable gift that will get used over the years.

Motoko · 17/11/2017 21:36

Perhaps you can see how much each item on his list costs, and work out how many hours someone on NMW would have to work to pay for them. Then show him.

And those items are a bit 'old' for him. What YouTubers or Instagrammers is he watching to be getting these ideas at 12?

I love the mention of Liberace earlier. Could imagine him asking you who Liberace is, then you googling a picture! Grin

susurration · 17/11/2017 21:37

PLEASE, please explain to him that a Dog should never be a christmas gift.

thehairyhog · 17/11/2017 21:37

'Oh and I don't particularly think he sounds like a brat, just a typical young teen with big eyes and no real grasp of the value of money.'

This. You lot are harsh Grin However I do find it a bit strange that you're having to ask opinions of others on this OP, as the answer is just painfully obvious, as others have set out.

Funnyface1 · 17/11/2017 21:37

I think it just shows that he doesn't understand the value of money yet. He's used to just getting what he asks for, why wouldn't he keep on doing that?

I'd probably have a talk about earning money (it doesn't just appear in the bank) and maybe show him how some less fortunate people will be spending this Christmas.

SequinRash · 17/11/2017 21:38

I think a posh watch would be better saved for a milestone birthday. Why not get him to choose some things for his new room in your doer-upper?

I hope he buys/makes presents for you and his father. I love doing stockings for my parents, and from the sounds of things you've been very generous to him throughout his life.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 17/11/2017 21:39

He is still growing! WTF is wrong with gap.

ItsNachoCheese · 17/11/2017 21:41

Yanbu

ItsNachoCheese · 17/11/2017 21:41

Dogs arent just for christmas....

SequinRash · 17/11/2017 21:42

When I was 12 my Gap hoodie was by far the most designer thing i owned (or have owned since - and i put a lot of effort into dressing myself, actually). Designer clothes for kids who are still growing is barmy. I still think anything posher than Tesco or Primark is extravagant! Grin

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/11/2017 21:42

I don't know why the child is being castigated for his entitled attitude. WTF do you expect when he gets £500 worth of stuff at Christmas?

AdoraBell · 17/11/2017 21:43

Mine understand that a Christmas list is not a shopping list. As in you don’t buy everything on the list. It’s a list of ideas.

DD wants a kitten. It ain’t happening but I have got her a Christmas card with an excessively cute kitchen picture 😁. She also wants a Pomeranian, she knows that she can have one. Once she has her own place after leaving home. As for the Gucci items, she’s going to save her pocket money and buy them herself.

Sara107 · 17/11/2017 21:43

He may not fully realise how expensive the things are, or what that means in context. If you're not used to budgeting, don't know what the income is, or how much all the outgoings cost it is hard to see whether your wish is excessive or not. Could you explain some of this to him ( eg a £300 pair of jeans equals groceries for the whole family for 3 weeks). Tell him he can't have everything on the list and to prioritise what he really wants (my just turned 8 yr old will list everything in the Symths catalogue, but when pushed she will narrow it down to 1 or 2 things, the rest is just stuff that has caught her eye). And no to the dog, a pet is a different discussion to be done separately to the Christmas conversation.

pamplemoussed · 17/11/2017 21:44

Turn in bbc 1 and let (make) him watch children in need. His attitude is appalling . You have a big job to do to teach him some values.

TabbyMack · 17/11/2017 21:46

God, what nasty, spiteful arses you all are.

Why is it OK to suggest telling a TWELVE YEAR OLD to fuck off?

Yes, he’s being ridiculous..and trying the old “But all my friends get xyz” chestnut...but he’s a child. He simply does not have the full understanding of money and value in the way adults do.

OP..talk to him and tell him that you don’t believe all his friends get that, but even if they do, so what? If he’s adamant he wants that (crap) say, “Fine. Here’s £400 towards it all. You can save up the rest”.

I know that MNers like to pretend that they all spend £1.50 on their kids (always books, naturally) but, actually, in the real world £400 is not that outrageous. So, wind your fucking necks in.

YouTheCat · 17/11/2017 21:47

Now is the year to educate him.

If you have the funds, get him earning some of these items by working in the home - doing chores. Or maybe he could do some volunteering? If he's that desperate for these items (bar the dog, which is just nonsense) he needs to learn that he has to earn them.

Stick to your, extremely high, budget and spend the £400 and no more. If he sulks take an item back and donate the money to charity.

Original poster
honeylulu · 17/11/2017 21:47

Hello OP is back.
We have been reading all the responses together. Thank you everyone for replying. It has been hard for son to hear but he needed to hear it.
Also hard to hear that he is considered a spoilt brat but see why you think so. We've really tried not to spoil our children - they only get big treats at Christmas and birthdays for example but this last year the materialism has moved into to a new stratosphere.

Just to say I promise a puppy was never going to be contemplated. I had pets when I lived with my parents and I know the commitment that is involved - our dogs and cats were considered members of the family. We work full time and commute and it would not be fair on a dog.

OP posts:
TabbyMack · 17/11/2017 21:48

Get him to do a reverse advent calendar for starters - something in the food bank donation box every day of december

With whose money, exactly? He’s 12.

Jesus wept.

picklemepopcorn · 17/11/2017 21:50

I think I’d tell him I was really disappointed by his reaction, and have realised I need to give him more responsibility for money and help him understand how it works.
I’d compare the items he has chosen with an essential- two month's worth of electricity, a new carpet...
I’d show him how much I’m spending on other people, for comparison.
I’d ask him if he wants an allowance of £30 (?) /month, but buy all his own clothes apart from underwear, school uniform and shoes.

midnightmisssuki · 17/11/2017 21:50

Where does he know these brands from? He’s quite young to know about these brands?

Shiftymake · 17/11/2017 21:50

400 is more then enough, it is roughly what we will be spending on the children ourselves and it makes me cringe at that. One expensive item and then other bits and bobs is the general rule for kids his age in our home. Younger ones get more gifts at a lesser cost.

deste · 17/11/2017 21:51

So when he reaches 17 and has a driving licence, you know there will be a car on that list and it won’t be a second/third hand car. That’s the thing, where does it end?