Son's Christmas gift entitlement. AIBU?

[honeylulu]

I think I know the answer to this but I agreed I would put it out there on mumsnet and ask for opinions which I will then show him.

Son is 12 (13 in April). I always ask him to do a Christmas list and until now it's been fine but in the last year he's developed a serious designer clothing/shoes interest. This is not inherited from me or his dad btw! We live fairly modestly.

His list this year is eye watering and includes: Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

We are comfortably off (household income in the region of £150k) and until now we've felt able to fulfil his wishes, given that his lists have been much more modest in previous years. For example last year he had a laptop as his main present and we spent around £500 including stocking gifts. I realise that I maybe should have started managing his expectations earlier but it hasn't been issue so far.

This year his whole list would run into thousands! So we have had to caution that he will only get a very limited amount of the items, or he can reduce the designer-ness of his requests and get more items but we are not a bottomless money pit. His reaction was that we have always got him what he asked for so far why not this year?

Rather unchristmassy but we said that there is a budget. (By way of background we are about to buy a big do-er upper of a house and will have to also keep /fund our current house until we can renovate enough to move in so money is tighter this year although we had agreed we would not reduce the usual budget for kids gifts, just have less ourselves). The budget similar to last year is, for him, £400 plus extra for stocking gifts. (We also have a 3 year old but can get away with a much smaller budget for her as she is happy with My Little Ponies etc at the moment.)

He says his friends get much more than that - more presents/ bigger budget even though their parents earn less and we are mean and can afford more. We think that is bollocks. We probably could afford more but that's not the point.

£400 seems like plenty for main presents.

AIBU? I will be showing any replied to husband and son.

in any case no reputable breed will sell you a dog in December Good point and nor should they. Nor would they sell you one for £400.

Dogs are a serious commitment- OP, only if your son is serious about caring for a dog and is able to meet those commitments should he think of getting a dog. Apologies if he is serious and aware. Maybe he can consider getting one as a birthday gift instead?

He's hideously spoilt and his attitude that 'you've always got me everything I've wanted so I want MORE' is appalling. I have a 12 year old boy. We spend around £100 on him - split between 3 or 4 presents - and that, frankly, is roughly a week's food bill which is plenty. He would then get a stocking with little bits in it, eg a book, gold coins, joke toy, pens, new toothbrush, flannel, pack of cards maybe.

The idea of a 12 year old boy wanting Gucci and Armani is absolutely ludicrous! Who the hell does he think he is? Most adults I know have never worn anything like that in their lives.

Just write ho ho ho on the bottom- nice try! Real list please!

Oh and I don't particularly think he sounds like a brat, just a typical young teen with big eyes and no real grasp of the value of money.

Poms are adorable but they can be very loud and yappy at times too.

BarbarianMum I agree. He does not seem spoiled just typical for his age and if he has never wanted for anything he may not know the value of money.

No YANBU he needs to whittle that list down from its current status as a list of unreasonable demands to something that fits Father Christmas's budget. I used to have this every year when my kids went through all the catalogues. They were very accepting when I said no it's far too much and whittled their lists down to what they really wanted to get.

Stick to your guns and tell him straight you're not going to spend that much, it's an obscene amount for a 12 year old unless it's for a new bike or computer type big present. He will realise you weren't joking on Christmas Day. A good life lesson for him that he can't always have everything he wants.

Mine are now young adults and they each get £100 budget from me, they ask for some things and then I surprise them with other bits, their father takes them sales shopping afterwards and refuses to spend more than £50 each.

We're very well ff and have never spent that much on presents for each other... I think it's a very high budget.

Frankly, I'd be worrying about him. Sounds extremely insecure if he feels he needs to make up with expensive gear. Hasn't he got hobbies? There's nothing hobby- related on the list!

Time for an oxfam goat and noise cancelling headphones for the rest of you while he complains.
Have a good rummage in tk maxx for some more middling designer stuff?

It sounds to me OP like your son could do with some volunteer work and some education.

12 is that transitional age between childhood and teen/adult. He’s always had what he wanted because his wishes weren’t too expensive. Now is the time he has to learn that he can’t have everything he desires. Tell him plainly that there’s a limit to what he can have. Let him kick off. Ignore it. He’ll learn.

YANBU.

It is harder for children who have it all to value what they are given. There's a truth in the idea that things that are easily come by, it's not valued, and what could be easier than writing your demands on a list and having them all met? So it's not all his fault, but it's high time he started learning.

"Why not this year" has the very clear response that previous requests were in budget and this year's aren't. A much younger child would have no trouble understanding that.

It's none of his business how much you earn and whether his friends parents spend more/earn less.
It is YOUR business to rein in the greedy wee monster he is becoming and stop this entitlement in it's tracks for once and for all.
I would personally make him go visit a homeless charity/shelter where kids have nothing at all, tell him to pick out the toys he doesn't play with or use anymore to give to the kids there, make him listen to their stories and make him spend a weekend cleaning there in order to foster more appreciation of just how lucky he is to have two parents who love him, a lovely home to call his own, a warm bed, security and everything else he takes for granted.

Or better still donate his Christmas money this year to the kids in such a shelter. He is old enough that he doesn't believe in Santa, and you can get him a nice present to tell him how proud you are of him for being so generous with his Christmas money.

He doesn't appreciate the lovely things he has come at a cost to you, you work for the money to pay for those things. They don't just fall down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

Oh and no live animals EVER get given as presents. Most of us adults do not own the things on his Christmas list for God's sake, so why should he think that just because you have a good income he should have thousands spent on him?

He is lucky to have what he has, be harsh this year, he needs to learn a valuable lesson honeylulu. One he will look back on in years to come and remember it well.

Maybe tell him that the gift budget will be reducing by £50 each time he moans and whines about what other people get and how mean you are.
You could save more money if he doesn't believe you.
I think a chunk of coal is in order.

I don’t think OP will be back

This is why threads every year end up with comments that it's a bad precedent to get a young child everything they ask for at Christmas. This is where it could end up!

You are raised a spoilt entitled brat. He needs a sharp lesson asap.

Does he understand about credit and debt in general? At 12, maybe sit him down and explain how it works.

Goodness me. What a dreadful list. It’s not just the cost that appalls me but the fact the items are all image-related. As a previous poster indicated, most boys of his age would be asking for items connected with their hobbies and interests but your son’s list smacks of vanity.

Definitely no to the dog. Dogs aren’t commodities.

If he isn’t happy with £400, he doesn’t have to have anything. Or, if you feel that is too mean, you could just choose something for him yourself and ignore the list.

Perhaps he has lost sight of the bigger picture as it were. Maybe he needs to see how it can be nicer to give than to receive. Do you get involved in any events like singing carols at the nursing home/helping at a soup kitchen or food bank/hospital visits to those who don’t tend to get visitors? Has he chosen pressies for other family members?

I’m sure you have family traditions already. Could he help you find something new to try? Sometimes we lose sight of the family and the joy of spending time together and get too caught up in things. Maybe choosing something for you all to do together will remind him of that wonderful feeling.

Wow.

Dear OP's Son

Gifts are supposed to be given and received with love, not demanded with attitude. If I was your parent then I would be extremely disappointed that you think it is ok to be asking for such expensive items with no thought about how they are to be paid for or whether you deserve them. Throwing a strop simply confirms that you are not old enough for the designer items you want or the responsibility of the dog you asked for. Behaviour such as yours would not be rewarded with Gucci anything in my house, and your parents deserve an apology for your rudeness.

Regards

I thought Pomeranian dog was like a brand name. Like the shoes by Rocket Dog!!

Also laughing at BakedBean!

I think he sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest. If my kids got to that age and started dictating budgets I'd be disappointed in how I'd managed their expectations. Besides, the lad os gonna grow taller so these designer clothes items won't fit this time next year! Waste of bastard money!

Does he understand about credit and debit in general? At 12, maybe sit him down and explain how it works

This.

I was not spoiled particularly but I was not great with money growing up and wished money management had been taught me. I think schools should teach it as part of PSHE.

Donate him a day dishing out Christmas Dinner in a hostel for the homeless it would serve him in good stead as a life lesson in not being an entitled brat

Dogs are NOT Christmas presents. Anyone who wants a dog for Christmas is clearly not intelligent enough to own one.