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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's Christmas gift entitlement. AIBU?

301 replies

honeylulu · 17/11/2017 20:47

I think I know the answer to this but I agreed I would put it out there on mumsnet and ask for opinions which I will then show him.

Son is 12 (13 in April). I always ask him to do a Christmas list and until now it's been fine but in the last year he's developed a serious designer clothing/shoes interest. This is not inherited from me or his dad btw! We live fairly modestly.

His list this year is eye watering and includes: Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

We are comfortably off (household income in the region of £150k) and until now we've felt able to fulfil his wishes, given that his lists have been much more modest in previous years. For example last year he had a laptop as his main present and we spent around £500 including stocking gifts. I realise that I maybe should have started managing his expectations earlier but it hasn't been issue so far.

This year his whole list would run into thousands! So we have had to caution that he will only get a very limited amount of the items, or he can reduce the designer-ness of his requests and get more items but we are not a bottomless money pit. His reaction was that we have always got him what he asked for so far why not this year?

Rather unchristmassy but we said that there is a budget. (By way of background we are about to buy a big do-er upper of a house and will have to also keep /fund our current house until we can renovate enough to move in so money is tighter this year although we had agreed we would not reduce the usual budget for kids gifts, just have less ourselves). The budget similar to last year is, for him, £400 plus extra for stocking gifts. (We also have a 3 year old but can get away with a much smaller budget for her as she is happy with My Little Ponies etc at the moment.)

He says his friends get much more than that - more presents/ bigger budget even though their parents earn less and we are mean and can afford more. We think that is bollocks. We probably could afford more but that's not the point.

£400 seems like plenty for main presents.

AIBU? I will be showing any replied to husband and son.

OP posts:
listsandbudgets · 18/11/2017 16:13

YANBU.

DD is 12. She wanted a Super Dry bag for school this year but was very hesitant asking me .. she said "mum ive seen this bag I really want but Im worried its too expensive". We are also lucky enough to be well off but she KNOWS that she will not get everything she wants. Her Christmas budget is £100 is stocking fillers.

She got her bag because it turned up in the sale.. she was so excited when she spotted it was reduced Smile

Dont give in OP.

listsandbudgets · 18/11/2017 16:15

Plus stocking fillers... a £100 pound stocking would be a fine thing indeed

Katedotness1963 · 18/11/2017 16:18

Not a fan of the name calling on this thread. It's a child you're talking about. He was asked for a Christmas wish list and he made one. In past years this was what was done and he got exactly what he asked for. How was he to know that budget/expectations had to be managed differently this year?

It seems that, now he knows and understands more about the costs of things, he has changed his "wishes".

randomer · 18/11/2017 16:33

So many syndromes so little time

LilyRose16 · 18/11/2017 16:38

@Honeylulu you have taken all the comments very well, I applaud you, also I did say 'before you create a monster', wasn't calling him a monster! Wink

Good to hear you've sat him down and had a chat, hopefully it will help him be more realistic.

Redhead17 · 18/11/2017 16:41

I’d order the lot from China for £55

Made in Chelsea much

Geegee84 · 18/11/2017 16:46

Our income is a third of yours but we feel comfortably well off as we have really low outgoings (no mortgage, cars bought outright etc) and I've always said even if were to win millions on the lottery I still wouldn't give my kids everything that they wanted including Christmas. The reason for this is like you said, kids have high expectations these days and I don't think that's a good thing. Firstly because the child MAY not appreciate what they have and come to expect more and more every year and if they aren't able to create a similar lifestyle as adults it may create resentment. Secondly, none of us are invincible and it may only take one parent to fall on hard times i.e. loosing their job, developing a serious medical condition etc for the family income to drop dramatically and then all of a sudden your overall lifestyle has changed. Personally I'd hate to have that much pressure on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong I have teenagers who like certain brands and they certainly don't go without at Christmas but I'm not talking ridiculously expensive brands and they do realise me and their dad aren't made of money and know they have a limit.

TammySwansonTwo · 18/11/2017 16:53

A friend of mine recently told me that her four year old lost a tooth and told her be expected paper money for it.

If my kids ever behave in this entitled manner, they'll be getting a chocolate orange and a certificate showing the exorbitant amount I've donated to a homelessness charity in their name.

Little shit. 12 year olds do not need Gucci and a Pomeranian, FFS. Who's his role model, Paris Hilton?

KarmaStar · 18/11/2017 17:02

Hi,
Does your DS do any chores for pocket money?it reads as if he has no understanding of the value of money.
There's still a few weeks until Christmas,perhaps you could get him to do so if he doesnt,and it may help him realize how much work has to be done to actually have money.
As you say,he has never been denied before so why would he expect any different?(even so I suspect he knows very well he is pushing his luck).
It is definitely time to start him realizing what real life is about.you'd hate him to develop a sense of entitlement.
He will then,hopefully,value and appreciate the huge amount you spend on him.
Good luckSmile

Nettletheelf · 18/11/2017 17:10

I have very much enjoyed reading this thread. Particularly ‘you’re raising Liberace’ and ‘poncing about like Karl Lagerfeld with a dog in a handbag’. I laughed my head off at those.

I can’t get too frothed up about OP’s son. He obviously had no clue what things cost and thought that Christmas was an opportunity to ask for everything he wanted. A bit like the PP who asked for a horse every year, or littler kids cutting out everything from the Argos catalogue and sticking it to a Christmas list. It’s what some kids do, doesn’t mean that the parents have to accede to the requests.

EnthusiasticEdna · 18/11/2017 17:18

Op - teaching your son to judge himself through the comments of social media was spectacularly irresponsible. I could weep for him. With potential ASD? You need to read a lot about this and quickly. You have some immense growing up to do. I am literally fighting back the tears over the thought of such a thing happening to my 12 yr old with ASD. It is beyond cruel.

Stickerrocks · 18/11/2017 17:39

DD asked for a pair of wireless headphones for Christmas, complete with a link to a website selling them for under £140. She genuinely thought they were a bargain, because identical pairs were being sold by Amazon & John Lewis for £249. She had a quick lesson in internet safety when I pointed out all the reasons why the bargain headphones were either fakes or would never arrive based on a quick tour of the website. Many teenagers have no idea how much things cost or they are bombarded with images of fakes or vloggers promoting designer goods they have been gifted. I think many replies have been very harsh.

MycatsaPirate · 18/11/2017 17:54

Bless your boy, glad he has had a rethink.

I have two dc, both girls. Oldest is 19 now and has never really had huge amounts spent on her and DD2 is 12 and ditto. I just didn't have the money so it was £100 budget each Xmas each for them and I would shop and bargain hunt to get the best things for the money.

Dp and I got them new laptops a couple of years ago after three years of living in near poverty and coming out the other side. Total surprise for them both, they had NO idea and it was lovely to see their faces :)

This year DD1 has asked for a new stereo for her car with hands free on it (costs £130) and doesn't expect anything else.

DD2 has given me a list of books she wants plus Trolls bedding. Costs about £80 in total.

It actually makes me sad that they never ask for much, they don't expect much, they don't make any demands on my finances. I do love to surprise them when I can but I hate that my girls just don't expect much :(

valuerangeweetabixandmilk · 18/11/2017 17:57

MyCats
Dont feel bad they expect what they know you can do because they are happy with it and know you do your best! They sound lovely x

Gingersstuff · 18/11/2017 20:07

I have two teens, one a 14-yo DS, and I'd be wondering where I'd went wrong if I was presented with a list like that. My son is just getting into labels but it's Hype or Nike or Sonnetti, not bloody Gucci or Tissot!
And if he hasn't listed the dog as a joke, I'd be giving him a stern talking to. My kids have known since very young that animals are not toys or gifts.

Ssdw · 18/11/2017 20:23

The mention of ADHD and taking things at face value is quite a drip feed. I hope you didnt really show him this thread- people were calling him all sorts of things

DancingHouse · 18/11/2017 20:26

You asked him what he wanted and he gave you exactly that.

Nomad86 · 18/11/2017 20:42

The budget is £400. Every time he moans, it goes down £50.

applesareredandgreen · 18/11/2017 20:55

I'd like to add that I've been thinking about this thread since yesterday and I really feel that the OP had been 'very unreasonable' if she had actually shown posters direct responses to her child. 12 years old can be a vulnerable age and I do t think a child needs to see some of the vitriolic comments which should have been directed to the OPs parenting and not her child.

ssd · 18/11/2017 23:37

mycats, your 19 yr old has a car, whats with the sad face???

EastMidsMummy · 19/11/2017 00:01

Explain to him that a Christmas list isn't a list of what he's going to get, it's a list of things he might want. It's the sort of explanation most kids get at the age of 4 or 5.

NamasteNiki · 19/11/2017 08:13

You can get some Tissot watches for £265.

Assuming he can take care of it, it is something that will last rather than shoes or jeans which will be outgrown quickly at 12.

Get him the watch, something else and that's that.

LakieLady · 19/11/2017 08:42

We showed him the cost of the Gucci stuff and he was quite shocked by the cost and agreed he shouldn't have asked for it. (We also thought it was bling and ghastly by the way!!)
The dog has always been a no-no as I said upthread, although I've bought an £8 yapping walking toy puppy with batteries which we think he will see as funny by Christmas.
He has indicated one thing from his list he would really like (a winter coat, so also quite practical) and suggested some more modest brands for tops and hoodies.
I have said I will not buy expensive shoes or jeans as they will get hardly any wear before he grows. He was a bit glum but agreed that was sensible.

Good. My initial reaction was to donate the budget for his gifts to the local food bank. And tell him what you'd done and why.

VileyRose · 19/11/2017 08:45

How on earth has society got to this point where people are actually posting this shit?

mumontherun14 · 19/11/2017 09:24

Op I think you've got some really harsh comments on here which have been a bit over the top. My DS is 13 too and they live in cloud cuckoo land most of the time over what things cost. Glad you've had a chat with him that will
help him understand more about budgeting which is always a good thing xxx