Son's Christmas gift entitlement. AIBU?

[honeylulu]

I think I know the answer to this but I agreed I would put it out there on mumsnet and ask for opinions which I will then show him.

Son is 12 (13 in April). I always ask him to do a Christmas list and until now it's been fine but in the last year he's developed a serious designer clothing/shoes interest. This is not inherited from me or his dad btw! We live fairly modestly.

His list this year is eye watering and includes: Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

We are comfortably off (household income in the region of £150k) and until now we've felt able to fulfil his wishes, given that his lists have been much more modest in previous years. For example last year he had a laptop as his main present and we spent around £500 including stocking gifts. I realise that I maybe should have started managing his expectations earlier but it hasn't been issue so far.

This year his whole list would run into thousands! So we have had to caution that he will only get a very limited amount of the items, or he can reduce the designer-ness of his requests and get more items but we are not a bottomless money pit. His reaction was that we have always got him what he asked for so far why not this year?

Rather unchristmassy but we said that there is a budget. (By way of background we are about to buy a big do-er upper of a house and will have to also keep /fund our current house until we can renovate enough to move in so money is tighter this year although we had agreed we would not reduce the usual budget for kids gifts, just have less ourselves). The budget similar to last year is, for him, £400 plus extra for stocking gifts. (We also have a 3 year old but can get away with a much smaller budget for her as she is happy with My Little Ponies etc at the moment.)

He says his friends get much more than that - more presents/ bigger budget even though their parents earn less and we are mean and can afford more. We think that is bollocks. We probably could afford more but that's not the point.

£400 seems like plenty for main presents.

AIBU? I will be showing any replied to husband and son.

How does he know about these brands etc? I've only got a 10 year old and his lists consist of FIFA 18 and Lego. My friend has a 16 year old and his presents have consisted of the relevant Fifa for the year, other games and trainers. He's 17 now and has only just ventured into Ralph Lauren Polo t-shirts.

There's nothing wrong with your budget if you can afford it. Those who are shocked and disgusted because it's their mortgage payment or food shopping etc is irrelevant, if you can afford it and want to spend it, that's fine. It's his, "I usually get what I want" attitude that's the problem.

If he usually gets it, I'm guessing it falls within his budget which actually shows he isn't ready for anything off his list as he has no clue the real value of items. I'd hand his list back, tell him he has £400 and put proper items on there.

I agree with HeteronormativeHaybales, some of these posts are downright nasty. He might be a perfectly nice, unspoilt child.

I asked my parents for a horse every year at Christmas for most of my childhood. My parents could barely afford to put food on the table. They could never have afforded a horse FFS, but my reasoning was, "If you don't ask, you don't get" .

I’d stick firmly to my budget and use his list to gain an idea of the sort of things he might like rather than a shopping list. Christmas presents should be a surprise in my book.
I’d spend about £350 of the £400 budget on him and the rest would go on Goats for Africa or a Lavatory for India from Oxfam. Time to understand how fortunate he is.

PS Mine all wear watches too. Mainly bought as 18 th or 21st birthday present as they always lost them before that so we stuck with cheaper ones.

I just can’t believe that anyone familiar with MN, and AIBU no less, would invite criticism of their child with the intent of showing it to them.

Will you settle all parenting / family issues like this? Will your DS be on some website inviting his friends and peers to make nasty comments about you? Will your DH?

Ask what YOU have done and how YOU can address it. Don’t come on here all indignant and ask MNers to sort out your DS and your commercially budgeted gift system by making horrible comments about your CHILD.

Quite shocking.

There’s a saying- “if you want a guinea pig, start by asking for a pony”
Is there a chance that your son actually wants something less astronomical but still extravagant, so he’s being cunning and asking for all this stuff to make what he actually wants seem like a reasonable request?

In defence of Tissot, I have one and love it, but it is an “entry level” Swiss watch brand. It’s certainly not in Rolex / Omega / Patek Phillipe territory. OP could very easily get him a Tissot watch and have plenty of change from her £400.

Our 14 year old will get about £150 spent on him in total. So I think you're being more than generous. In your shoes (because you're unlikely to buy the right designer stuff) I would give him control of finding items for your budget. I would then definitely not buy him anything extra. Think he'll regret it on the day and that's another lesson in itself.

My two student DC are getting £150 cash along with a selection of pyjamas, toiletries, books and sweets. Spending £400 on each of them isn't on the radar. The largest single gift they've ever been given was a £150 ipod Touch each several years ago. Christmas isn't a lottery win.

Sorry, I’m a designer girl and love a good luxury splurge but I think his list is ridiculous

Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

A dog shouldn’t be on a Christmas gift list ffs - it’s a major commitment and a living being
The shoes and jeans will be grown out of so fast as he’s 12, and also he’ll look like he’s wearing the same stuff all the time if he constantly wears them - they’ll go out of fashion (in his life) fast. I remember when boys in my school used to rinse out the 1/2 token designer items they have - it isn’t a good look

However I think the belt and the watch are decent choices as he’ll get a lot of wear out of them and they’ll still ‘upgrade’ his wardrobe

Tell him what my dad used to tell me - 'wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills first.'

I'm also stunned by the items on the list; I can only imagine he and his peers have seen them on YouTube/ instagram etc.

I wonder if he can actually articulate what it is about these particular things he likes, or why he wants them? Does he have an interest in fashion or design? Does he admire Gucci's aesthetic and is he knowledgeable about the label? What is it about the quality/design / workmanship that attracts him to the belts?

If he was able to answer convincingly, I might be OK with getting him the belt or watch ( if it was within budget). But I suspect, at this age, it's more about being flash and impressing his peers with Designer Stuff, which isn't something I'd want to encourage.

In answer to his reasoning of 'if you don't ask, you don't get' would be 'you've asked but you're still not getting!'.

I would be so embarrassed of my child if they wrote this list. And embarrassed and ashamed of my parenting that helped get them to this.

You need to take your child out for the day, spend the day buying my gloves/scarfs/underwear and take it down to the homeless shelter.

He needs to realise what a spoilt brat he is being

Going against the grain but OP's son has a point - if he's always been bought everything he's asked for, when was he meant to learn about value/budgeting/etc.? That said, now is an excellent opportunity to learn, and it sounds like he's begun to take this on board.

All the people suggesting OP sends son to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter for a day - these places exist to help those in need, and these people deserve a bit of dignity - they are not there to teach fortunate children lessons about money.

I love this, in a gobsmacked, glimpse into an alternate reality way.

Your DS is in Y8 at a guess? What planet is he on?
I have a DC the same age, and their friends are into high value high street fashion and labels. Not even the most overindulged entitled has yet moved onto big name, high end 'fashion'.
And I say that as somebody in a very affluent and aspirational community.

I'm guessing you allow him unfettered access to the Internet and YouTube 'influencers'.... If so he has been heavily (and with some sophistication) marketed to. It's also clear that there is a horrible entitled attitude amongst some of these youtube stars (witness the zoella backlash). I think some education around marketing, brands, basic ecenomics and an examination of what makes us/him happy and have good self-esteem might be a good thing to think about?

Jaffalong, that was MY reasoning, not the OP's DS, as far as I am aware. It was my fantasy horse !

I don't know why people are making such a big deal of it, to be honest. The poor kid probably doesn't even know how much these things cost, he's just seen them on other people.

I am finding his bling bling list strangely endearing . He can get a Saturday job when he turns 14 in the Meantime get the mini Tom Ford a Harrods voucher for what you can afford - and that's that !!!

Can I just point out I suggested homemade presents for him and the poster who said such suggestions would not be carried out by those suggesting them is wrong.

2 easters ago my kids got grabby and argumentative over chocolate and down right greedy.

We took ALL their chocolate, bar one egg each, to a foodbank.

So that's just not true.

I am finding his bling bling list strangely endearing.

Yeah, me too! It's aspirational and stylish. Good on him! Even if he doesn't have a hope in Hell of getting the items, at least he's trying.

Glad you ditched the dog and that your DS has scaled down his wish-list.

It must have been tough to read all the harsh-but-true comments on here.

I'm just imagining this 12 year old wandering about in his Gucci get up like a little Liberace toating a Pomeranian dog and it's really made me chuckle

Me too - ignore the haterz and work it, bling bro

Btw completely agree with Creatureofthenight All the people suggesting OP sends son to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter for a day - these places exist to help those in need, and these people deserve a bit of dignity - they are not there to teach fortunate children lessons about money.

Exactly. They’re not in some kind of poverty zoo.