Son's Christmas gift entitlement. AIBU?

[honeylulu]

I think I know the answer to this but I agreed I would put it out there on mumsnet and ask for opinions which I will then show him.

Son is 12 (13 in April). I always ask him to do a Christmas list and until now it's been fine but in the last year he's developed a serious designer clothing/shoes interest. This is not inherited from me or his dad btw! We live fairly modestly.

His list this year is eye watering and includes: Pomeranian dog; Gucci shoes and belt, Armani jeans, Tissot watch etc.

We are comfortably off (household income in the region of £150k) and until now we've felt able to fulfil his wishes, given that his lists have been much more modest in previous years. For example last year he had a laptop as his main present and we spent around £500 including stocking gifts. I realise that I maybe should have started managing his expectations earlier but it hasn't been issue so far.

This year his whole list would run into thousands! So we have had to caution that he will only get a very limited amount of the items, or he can reduce the designer-ness of his requests and get more items but we are not a bottomless money pit. His reaction was that we have always got him what he asked for so far why not this year?

Rather unchristmassy but we said that there is a budget. (By way of background we are about to buy a big do-er upper of a house and will have to also keep /fund our current house until we can renovate enough to move in so money is tighter this year although we had agreed we would not reduce the usual budget for kids gifts, just have less ourselves). The budget similar to last year is, for him, £400 plus extra for stocking gifts. (We also have a 3 year old but can get away with a much smaller budget for her as she is happy with My Little Ponies etc at the moment.)

He says his friends get much more than that - more presents/ bigger budget even though their parents earn less and we are mean and can afford more. We think that is bollocks. We probably could afford more but that's not the point.

£400 seems like plenty for main presents.

AIBU? I will be showing any replied to husband and son.

Ah, bless him ! If he was my child and I had a lot of money, I probably would buy the clothes. Not the dog, though - there are enough dogs looking for homes and dog breeding is cruel.

I am of the view that indulging children materially doesn't necessarily 'spoil' them. Spoiling is more to do with attitude and behavior. I have known plenty of children who got everything they wanted materially, but we're still delightful and humble individuals.

Why no response from OP?
To any of the responses?
I think it's a fraudulent post designed to provoke 🤔🤔🤔

I think if your child has little concept about money, gratitude etc then neither of you are being unreasable £400 is a lovely amount to be grateful for & sure many children would be so happy to receive gifts of that amount, oc I would never buy a child these kind of items
As for your son maybe he doesn't even know how expensive or maybe dosent understand the price of such things & if he was just asked to write a list of gifts he would like for Xmas & then after you have looked it over he is then told no to some of it after he always had received all he's wanted every year before maybe he found that hard to understand & just seen it as you being mean,
A quick chat about how much these items cost & if he still thinks your being unreasonable a few lessons in financial costs & better understanding of the value of money is what I suggest

thebestnamesweretaken op has responded a few times

Get him to do a reverse advent calendar for starters - something in the food bank donation box every day of december

With whose money, exactly? He’s 12.

Jesus wept.

Yeah, because a packet of dried pasta or a tin of soup is a huge investment...

I am shocked that he really thought it was appropriate to write a list like that. You seem like such a nice sensible woman from your posts, but you have allowed/enabled this to happen!

£400 or more for a special one off item such as a computer is fair enough, but to tell him his list is far too extravagant and then to tell him he has £400 doesn't make the point at all. Just because you can afford all that money doesn't mean you are doing your child any favours by spending it on his Christmas presents. I am sure you could spend£750 per week on food, but you don't. Why not? This is exactly the same thing

He (and perhaps you too) need to seize the opportunity to do something for others who are struggling this Christmas, so that he can understand how lucky he is. Make a donation to a food bank ( I am sure you do anyway) and ask him to choose food and basic provisions. See if he is keen to use some of his £400 to pay for the food, then you will see if he has learnt his lesson.

But I do think it is a parent's responsibility to teach their child the value of money, or giving and receiving, and grace and generosity. You haven't done that yet, but now you have a chance.

And to all those saying he is just being a teen, they all do that....they don't you know.

So loving the Liberace reference

So he’s gone from Gucci to Groupon!!!
Thanks OP, you’ve made me chuckle at least!
Jeez

He is 12, he does not need designer clothes... Tell him he can get some when he is older with his own money that he earned. He also probably doesn't fully understand the value of money because he is so young. Don't spoil him by spending too much (£400 is a lot), and you can threaten him with an imaginary christmas if he going to ask for such ridiculous things.

Get him to list some of his stuff that's 'desirable' on eBay to see what he can raise. There is a market for stuff people want but it isn't always what people thonk is valuable.
Or give him the cash you would have spent plus a list of tasks that you'd pay him for, with examples of how long it would take to earn. And offer to match his earnings.

So he’s gone from Gucci to Groupon!!!

Armani to Aldi

Can anyone do Tissot?

Tissot to Tesco?

Designer mutt to Desi's mini mart?

For people asking where he got the taste for designer clothes. My friends ds is at state school he’s a year older but very much aware of designer goods. With his pocket money he saved up and bought a small Louis Vuitton item costing maybe £250/300. I’m guessing they have a similar household to you income but spend far less on the kids.

I’m glad he’s seeing his entitled attitude for what it is. Lessons are hard to learn.

Wow. Maybe a day working at a soup kitchen or a food bank would help him to realign his expectations. Don’t get me wrong, he has a privileged upbringing and clearly parents who care about him deeply so I’m not suggesting that he doesn’t get nice gifts but also recognise how others live to get a better understanding of money and how all this ‘stuff’ is actually very very unimportant.

Twelve year olds are not known for their sharp grasp on personal finances. I doubt he realises what a ridiculous list of presents he’s given you. It sounds like a list of “everything I can think of that’s cool” rather than a list of stuff he wants for himself.

I think it’s a pretty normal phase - I remember my DBro wanted my mum to buy a Lamborghini when she was trading in her Vauxhall Cavalier. He was genuinely annoyed when she said no, and tried to persuade her to change her mind.

I had a ten list of designer must-haves, carefully ripped out of the Sunday Times Style supplement circa 1991, which I thought were essential for being a proper grown up. I never actually presented it to my mum, but I did genuinely believe I would have all of it as an adult (when actually these days I wouldn’t be caught dead with “a full set of monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage” or whatever else was on the list).

I doubt this kid has any idea what a Pomeranian or Gucci shoes would cost (seriously though, what a hilariously random request. Would he like a capybara instead?). Just tell him to stop being silly, and you can tease him about it in twenty years’ time.

Is this a joke? Because if not, you managed to create a perfect textbook example of an overentitled brat.
Tell little Tarquin that Christmas isn’t about you jumping through the hoops to fulfill his massive price-tag filled dreams. Or is it too late?

I can imagine this kid at school, with all the boys talking about what they've heard is cool and embellishing what they will get/what they have/etc, and him coming home and putting it all on his list without really having a clue that they're all fibbing but thinking it's what you have to have to fit in. My son gets a little of this nonsense too at school and once told me, believing, that a friend of his was given a fidget spinner that cost $100, and that another one just got a $5000 sweatshirt. (I know both families, and no they didn't!) Boys this age talk bollocks all the bloody time to show off and I'm always having to set him straight about stuff the kids have told him they have or they say they are getting. I suspect there's some of this going on and we don't need to call the parenting police on the OP just yet.

But just as an aside, OP - homeless people have difficult enough lives as it is. Please don't make them meet a stroppy sullen teenager on Christmas Day as well.

I guess there are some excuses for the list, even thought it is quite ridiculous. There is no excuse for his rude reaction to being told that it's not happening. Still he does seem to have understood that now, so perhaps this is a good lesson.

Tissot to Timex. (Old gimmer)

Pets are not presents. Pets are not presents. Pets are not presents.

Please don't buy this spoiled and entitled child a dog that he will treat like an object and then neglect.

To PPs suggesting a day volunteering in a soup kitchen or the like- charities HATE this. It's very hard to make a volunteer useful in one day, particularly in food prep which involves supervising and training around health and safety.

Make a commitment to regularly volunteer time, so you can be trained and genuinely useful- or donate money for the charity to put to good use- and stay out of their way!! Sending a 12 year old down for the day will only slow them down.

Charities have enough to deal with, without having the added burden of teaching morals to bratty teens and indulging parents.

meh

when i was young, my wish list was huge and ranged from cheap lil odds and sods up to ridiculously expensive stuff.

i didnt expect all of it but it was to give an idea what i wanted and then it was up to my parents to decide what they wanted to get

It sounds as though he has no proper understanding of money. Explain our situation to him. We rent a tiny flat and have a toddler. After bills we have £50 per week left. That's to buy food nappies etc. His normal Christmas budget is our money to live off for FOUR months. The things he wants for Christmas is our budget to live off for food and everything for an entire year. That might put things into perspective for him

My son asked for a mobile phone when he was 13 that was 20 years ago when they were really expensive. I was a lone parent and told him that I couldn’t afford that sort of money ( his friends had phones) He took himself up the village and after trying several shops got a paper round! In about 3 months he bought his own phone with money he’d saved...I didn’t feel mean or guilty in actual fact I felt proud of him. Now he’s a hard working man with a young family who knows the value of money. I’m in a better position to spoil my grandchildren (3 boys under 3) but he tells me mum don’t buy them xyz for Christmas they have enough toys. Not getting all he wants has made him a decent untitled adult and a man I’m proud to call my son.

Last week my kids filled up shoeboxes (not Samaritan's purse before everyone loses their mind) to be sent abroad for kids who may well have nothing this year. Every year they are humbled by what we send, and how little we put in those boxes in comparison to what they receive at Christmas. They don't get huge amounts of stuff, but a shoebox is small..
To op's child. You're spoiled. It's not your fault, but it's not a good thing. Snap out of it. Your mum and dad work hard for what they give you, so stop being a brat about it. If you were my child we'd be spending the day at a homeless shelter and you'd get token (non branded) gifts only. And no, I'm not poor. Our households are on an equal footing. I just choose to raise my children differently.
To op and op's husband - if you indulge this then you're doing your child a disservice. Nip this in the bud now, and don't be fooled by what that magical being 'everyone' has at school. Everyone is allowed everything and anything according to my kids. My reply is always that 'everyone' is spoiled then. You mention a younger child too - keep it small and keep it manageable. Your children, because of your income, will be privileged in ways many aren't (they won't be hungry or have to do their homework in bed in their coat because you can't afford the electric bill, they'll have nice holidays etc) so don't allow Christmas to be a free for all. Many people are struggling at this time of year. Donate your cash or time to a foodbank/shelter/church if you're that way inclined, this Christmas. And for god sake learn to say no to your kids.