To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

This is an interesting attitude. You would say something meaner about a living person than a dead person?

When it would be really upsetting for the living person to hear you say mean things... but the dead person won't ever know.

Ofcourse don’t go.

How ridiculous that you are expected to attend.

If it's a compulsory work activity you would be getting paid for it.

^^ and for what it's worth Jilly I don't think it's in bad taste to post your genuine feelings anonymously on an online forum, it's not like you wrote to his relatives to tell them how you felt. It is also very unlikely that a relative will (a) read it, or given your description of him (b) be upset by it- they probably knew him too....It is sad when anyone dies younger than average but it's really not necessary to pretend they were someone they weren't and he actually sounds quite unpleasant from your description. Whatever the underlying cause, misogyny and swearing at colleagues is not acceptable in the workplace in the 21st century.

It's also perfectly fine to say on an anoymous forum that someone who has recently died was a piece of shit. Fair play to you OP. When really nasty people die, it's often upsetting for those they hurt in the past to hear other people bullshitting on about what a great loss they are.

(As to the funeral following on a bit quick to the death, this may be one of many details OP has changed. We don't know and it's not our business.)

silverspot would you be happy to read this thread if you were the mother, sister brother of the recently deceased?

Do NOT ring in sick.

Put, in writing in email to your boss that you do not wish to go, and that you do not want to take leave or be unpaid to do so. No emotional words.

Then don’t go.

No one is asking the op to go about singing his praises

This WHOLE THREAD is about the OP being asked to sing his praises, by contributing money for the collection, for sacrificing a day's pay to go to his funeral, for spending time at that funeral and presumably pretend that she gave a shit.

People that suck die, that doesn’t make them suddenly great
There’s reasons why he was alone in life, and yes 45 is young, if he would have take a moment to reflect on why he was alone as opposed to blaming the all encompassing vagina, he might have worked on his issues and become less of a dick, but it is pretty damn rare.

Death isn’t suddenly! Good person
Speaking ill of the dead is an old myth
Being honest is fucking ok

I disagree Archery. The vast majority of posters agree that it’d be ridiculous for the Op to go. They agree that the man sounds an unpleasant dick.
Where a sizeable number are disagreeing however is the OP having so unnecessarily criticised him, in a way that might be identifiable or picked up by the media.
I honestly can’t see more than half a dozen posters encouraging OP to go, or to give to the collection or to pretend that she liked him.

*Believe it.

So come on then. Hit me with the horrifying consequences & chain of events that follow on from someone (who probably knew already) finding out that Grumpy Uncle Dave was thought to be a bit of a twat by someone on an anonymous forum who doesn't want to waste half a days leave to travel (at their own cost) to his funeral.... *

No chain of events, just potentially much hurt and upset. Imagine how you would feel if he was your friend or relative.

So, if everyone is going to the funeral - who is manning the phones back in the office - is the whole business shutting to attend the funeral? In which case the business swallows the 1/2 days leave for everyone to attend.

Again thanks for your posts and I am pleased most people 'get it.'

IMO it's ridiculous to make excuses for him by saying he may have had 'issues,' and things from his childhood. What a copout. Many people have issues, bad stuff from their past, and a not-so-great childhood, and they don't treat people like shit.

Stop making excuses for this man being a dick, and trying to make ME out to be the 'nasty' one. I am just not a hypocrite. In addition, I find it laughable and a bit weird that people go to funerals of people they barely know and maybe don't even like 'because it's expected.' Do you not all have a mind of your own?

He was a very unpleasant and misogynistic man, and was deeply unpleasant and rude. In addition, he was homophobic, bigoted and grumpy, and he couldn't bear it that some women at work were doing better than him, As I said earlier, he did everything he could to make life difficult for them at work.

I am not apologising for anything, and don't take anything back

I see that STILL no-one has managed to unearth who he is, where the work place is, or the location. As I said, if you can't do any of this, then just quit chatting shit. No-one is going to know who he is.

Stuff that!! We’ve just lost a wonderful woman from our team - I’m getting flowers for her children and a second lot for the funeral from our operating budget - plus anyone who wishes to attend the funeral can go on Work time - if people don’t want to attend then that’s up to them.

Personally I’d rather sit and answer the phones than be dragged to a funeral of a person I didn’t like!! It’s not up to your manager to make that decision for you - bloody cheeky IMO!!

archery perhaps my comprehension skills are not as great as yours , but could you point me to where someone is saying to sing his praises, or go to the funeral.

The general theme seems to be that the op shouldn’t go to the funeral and to challenge employer. Which I am in agreement with. No one should be forced to go to a funeral.

What I find distasteful is bitching about someone that has died, NOT bitching doesn’t mean singing his praises. On this occasion it means keeping a dignified silence.

My posts are asking the op to perhaps try to understand why he may have been unpleasant and to show a little compassion for some that was clearly unhappy in life and died prematurely, happy people don’t behave in the way this man did.

Finally, the op is at great pains to point out how miserable and bitter this character was, who curmudgeonly performed tasks when asked to do anything. Well now he’s out the way, it sounds like the Company have found a suitable replacement.

So should we all keep quiet about dead people squarerootofsquirrel? What about Jimmy Saville or abusers? Hitler? Stalin? Where do you draw the line? They were all unhappy people right and we should show empathy for them...

Saying OP is bitter and miserable is ridiculous.

Just say that you'll stay at work to man the phones/reception/tills/equipment etc.

polar if you can’t see the difference between an office grump and a peadophile/ mass murderer then there seems little point engaging with you.

Stop making excuses for this man being a dick, and trying to make ME out to be the 'nasty' one

You're the one posting online about some dead guy before he's even cold.
Try having some fucking class at the very least.

I wouldn’t go, I’d give to the collection though.

What I’d be very careful about though, is bad mouthing him to colleagues now he’s gone. Keep your opinion to yourself and simply do not go.

PMSL at @Clovertoast. You OK hun?

Same question to hot buttered bollock

Squarerouteofsquirrel Ooooo you aren’t going to engage with me. I’m distraught.

Well I and many others will continue to be honest about dead, horrible people. Does that upset you?

Well said POLAR.

If you would care to read my posts properly hotbutteredclovertoast, you would see I CLEARLY said this man was horrible to many people - usually women. And he resented any woman being promoted.

No need to get all pissy because hardly anyone agrees with you.

I can see you're upset Wanna tissue? 😢