To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

@ReanimatedSGB

I think some of the pious whiners slating OP for being clear about how much she loathed this man are people who have never actually had to deal with a vile colleague or acquaintance they could never quite cut out of their lives. OK so he wasn't a serial killer, and by the sound of it his unpleasantness was never quite bad enough for anyone to start disciplinary proceedings, but it can be very, very draining to have to put up with a horrible person you can't escape. Sure, 'get another job', but you might not want to, or jobs in your field might be so scarce that you would really harm your career prospects if you just left. So you just have to try to endure Mr Shit as best you can.

Very well said, and this sums up largely how I feel. He made me feel so uncomfortable sometimes, and other female staff members too.

I have now spoken to 3 others who don't want to go - 2 female and 1 male! We are going to speak about it over the weekend, and discuss what to say to the manager about it on Monday.

I am not ringing in sick though; I was just throwing that out there earlier as I was struggling with what to do, and as some posters said, it's a poor idea as I will get into trouble (possibly.) We are all just going to say we are not going as we didn't know him, he was not our friend, and yes, we did not really like him.

One of the 2 girls said she spoke to HR earlier, and we cannot be forced to go at all, and we certainly cannot be forced to use half a day's leave.

The person in HR said to get our manager to call her, and she will clarify it.

I mean the manager didn't say we would be disciplined or sacked or anything, but she was very vocal about how it will look bad! (Why?!!)

As someone said earlier, there only needs to be one representative there really.

One of the girls I spoke to who doesn't want to go said she bets we are not the only ones!

So people say 'don't go -but the way you have spoken About him Lacks class'

And they are called troublemakers and shit stirrers !

No one has said to attend or fake mourn

They have just expressed shock at speaking in such a way about someone who died young and presumably someone will mourn him !

And why would some one call a complete stranger that died a Cunt

Am I bovvered?

Are you 5? Some of your posts are quite childish. and petty tiwars some tthat dont agree with you. Don't go to the funeral but some if your posts are unnecessary.

And why would some one call a complete stranger that died a Cunt

Because it's easy sat behind a keyboard.

@stopfuckingshoutingatme

I never called him a cunt. Someone else did, and I quoted it.

But you knew that didn't you?

Still, why let facts get in the way of you having a go at me eh?!

You know you can't be forced to go so you have a few choices.

You could all go into work as usual.

You could meet up to pay your own tribute to him with coffee and cake in your favourite venue.

You could take the morning off and get a head start on your Christmas shopping.

@BishBoshBashBop
Am I bovvered? Are you 5? Some of your posts are quite childish. and petty towards some that dont agree with you. Don't go to the funeral but some if your posts are unnecessary.

LOLZ. Whatevz mate.

The naysayers and baiters can keep having a go at me ... PURELY for having an opinion and being honest about how I feel.................But ya know what.......

^

Thirty years ago I worked for an absolute cunt. I left and managed to put him out of my mind until this week when he popped up in a picture shared by a Facebook friend. He must be in his 80s.

'Fuck me,' I thought. 'I've buried a number of finer human beings than you and even felt a bit sad when we had a rat infestation and had to call in Rentokil. Yet here you are, still breathing. I hope it hurts.'

Don't go to the funeral or contribute to the collection OP. Don't canvass opinion but don't keep it quiet either. Ignore the people wringing their hands and berating you for speaking ill of the dead.

You could meet up to pay your own tribute to him with coffee and cake in your favourite venue.

You could go into work

You could take the morning off to do Christmas shopping.

@Goldmandra

I won't be paying tribute to him, as he was not a nice man and I couldn't stand him. If I wanted to do that I would go to the funeral!

I am still going into work though. As I said earlier, me and 3 others have decided to confront the manager on Monday and tell her we are not going. HR has already confirmed the manager has no right to tell us we have to. And there is sod-all she can do about it when we refuse.

I reckon once us 4 start the ball rolling, some others will refuse to go too.

I won't be paying tribute to him, as he was not a nice man and I couldn't stand him. If I wanted to do that I would go to the funeral!

I meant that to be tongue-in-cheek. I wouldn't be paying tribute to him at all.

So you've just got a twat of a manager, really. Sounds like it will all be sorted. (TBH in terms of strict etiquette etc it would be perfectly acceptable for the twat manager to go as a representative of the department. No one among the deceased's friends/family outside the workplace would care whether the rest of his colleagues, who they have never met, show up or not.)

@limitedperiodonly

Thirty years ago I worked for an absolute cunt. I left and managed to put him out of my mind until this week when he popped up in a picture shared by a Facebook friend. He must be in his 80s.

'Fuck me,' I thought. 'I've buried a number of finer human beings than you and even felt a bit sad when we had a rat infestation and had to call in Rentokil. Yet here you are, still breathing. I hope it hurts.'

Don't go to the funeral or contribute to the collection OP. Don't canvass opinion but don't keep it quiet either. Ignore the people wringing their hands and berating you for speaking ill of the dead.

Thank you.

I am not taking them very seriously though. The fact they are making stuff up to suit their agenda (like saying I called him a cunt when I didn't,) and calling me 'vile,' and 'a bitch' purely for being honest about how I feel, shows that they are just baiting and troublemaking.

I reckon some people must be bored eh?

@Goldmandra

I meant that to be tongue-in-cheek. I wouldn't be paying tribute to him at all.

Oh sorry I didn't realise.

Oh sorry I didn't realise.

The joys of communicating in text.

I don't understand why we can't speak ill of the dead when those people did harm to others in their lifetimes.

I have some sympathy with the idea that someone who cares for this guy could come across this thread at some point and recognise him. Maybe you've already considered that and changed some details.

However, the fact remains that death doesn't change the harm you have done and it isn't always healthy to prevent people from expressing themselves about that harm as long as they feel sure they are not themselves harming others by doing so.

@Reaninimated

So you've just got a twat of a manager, really. Sounds like it will all be sorted

Yep she can be a piece of work. Hopefully it will be OK, but I not going. Neither are the other 3 people I spoke to.

As I said, a few more may decide to not go when we say we're not going. We're not going to suggest others don't go (obviously,) but some others made it clear they dislike him too, so I wouldn't be surprised if more people decided to not go. (Once they see we are not going.)

Thanks @Goldmandra.

Do not go and do not give any money!

How bloody ridiculous that your employers would even try to enforce this at your expense!!

I’m baffled.

Thanks @cocktail. Me and several others have spoken to HR today, and you're right; we cannot be forced to go (and take time off to do it.)

I think we all knew that - we just wanted HR to clarify it. (And to know what our manager is proposing!)

I know you didn't call him a cunt OP . Some other sweetheart did and I commented in that . All you did was post 😂😂 because calling a dead stranger a cunt is hilarious ! LOL

I am hiding thread now as you are having far too much fun

I just think you could have had this whole conversation and addressed the valid issue In a better way

Whatevs!

@stopfuckingshoutingatme See ya.

Didn't quite go as planned for you eh? @stopfuckingshoutingatme

And why would some one call a complete stranger that died a Cunt

Clearly NOT directed at you as clearly steve wasn't a stranger was he ? Doh

'Hiding the thread' fail!

Didn't go as planned !! I just expressed an opinion that's all ! You are taking this waaaay too seriously

“We are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral”

That is a bloody piss take! Glad HR backed you up on that.

I don’t think people’s opinions on other people necessarily change just because they’re dead. I never got the whole ‘don't speak ill of the dead thing’. Some people are just horrible, that never changes!

I wouldn’t go in your position, why should you? He’s not family, he’s not a friend... you have no obligations to this man. Bizarre reactions from some people...

Totally agree @Starlighter

With ALL of your post!

@stopfuckingshoutingatme

First you said...

I am hiding thread now as you are having far too much fun

THEN you said...

you are taking all this waaaaay too seriously.

Which is it?

Make your mind up!

Poor attempt at baiting me. Your second post to me, contradicted the first post, just 3 minutes after you said it! 😂😂