To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

Also, OP is probably finding it pretty cathartic to rant on here, if she's surrounded by idiots mooing about how tragic a loss it is and putting on DailyMail-ish sadfaces. The fact she's being ordered to give money and attend the funeral is going to make her dislike of him stronger.

One of my clients went and danced on his father's grave after the funeral (that he did not attend)
he was joined by his sister and mother - fizzy wine in hand all three
only those who did not know the deceased were surpriesd

There's the House of Cards episode where Frank Underwood pisses on his Dad's grave. That, IMO, wouldn't be appropriate.

Not attending the funeral of someone you really didn't have much time for is appropriate.

OP if no one has already then possibly ask this to be pulled or you may end up in the absolute shit rag that is the daily mail.

Answering your op and ignoring some of the odd comments then no yanbu to not want to attend and yadnbu to not want to take holiday or unpaid leave to do so. Anyone who suggests you are a bad person for not wanting to fake grieve at a funeral where there will be people who actually did like the deceased are actually quite disrespectful.

No don't go to the funeral . No way Jose

But it's distasteful to be quite so clear about his faults and what a wanker you think he was

He has a mother , siblings who will doubtless mourn him and for that reason I think your post lacks class

But keep pandering a LOL to the people that agree with you hey !

I'd go to the funeral of a person like this if only to ensure they were definitely dead.

You’d be a hypocrite to go.

High five Vindaloo

Please don’t go to Steve the (dead) Cunt’s funeral. He wouldn’t want you there anyway. Your manager is being fucking ridiculous.

Please don’t go to Steve the (dead) Cunt’s funeral.

Lean over the open casket for "one final embrace" except whisper in his ear:
"Steve you cunt, now you're a dead cunt!"

I can see absolutely nothing wrong with writing a damning critique right after this guy died. He was a git, being dead doesn't make any difference to that. If people want to be well remembered in death then they should damn well be good people in life or they have it coming to them.
It's not as if OP has given his name and address on here.
No I would not go and no I would not pay £5.
A lovely woman from work threw herself off Beachy Head recently after losing her husband to an early death and nobody went to her funeral or sent a donation apart from her actual friends at work.
I'd find it far worse if people who hated him turned up and starting spouting crap about how wonderful he was!

To those saying ‘keep it to yourself, don’t recruit others to not attend’. You do know that the basis of fair labour is the organising of workers to protect workers rights, don’t you? And that what the manager is suggesting is illegal? And so by raising this as an issue with other workers, OP is behaving highly ethically?

People seem to embrace a bizarre level of hypocrisy when someone really awful dies. I would only go to the funeral of someone I really disliked if it was a conscious decision to support a partner or family member I cared about. Do posters think they are lovely lovely people just because they go to the funeral even if they hate the person? What's lovely about that?

The point is it is identifying to the man's friends and relatives, no one is saying random posters can recognise him .

And so by raising this as an issue with other workers, OP is behaving highly ethically?'

By sitting around bitching that they don't want to go because they think he was a cunt? No, they really are no. Nice try though.

It's only identifying if OP has been accurate in reporting the details. What with her being needlessly specific about floors, age etc, that is hardly likely to be what has actually happened. She's changed the identifying bits to try and make it less identifiable.

Don't go & tell boss you didn't get on with S (nothing wrong with that, just because you work with someone dosen' t mean you have to like them or be hypocritical). Docking pay or taking annual leave to go is a non starter. Donation to a collection is voluntary, don't do it!

Op I’ve just come back to the thread to see you’ve told me I can ‘fake mourn’ if I like. There’s a difference between fake mourning and being openly nasty about someone who has just died. It’s possible just to not say anything if you can’t think of something nice. You sound an absolute joy.

Jilly

When I read your post I was totally sympathetic towards you - and I still think it is inappropriate for your manager to pressure people to contribute to a wreath and to attend a funeral (at their own expense and in their own time).

However, having read some of the snipey, sarcastic responses you have made to other posters on this thread, I have to agree with the ones who have said that you sound unpleasant, too.

In fact the words "pot" and "kettle" come to mind.

You didn't like him - fine. You don't want to attend his funeral - also fine.

You intend to call in sick - not fine. You want other colleagues to join your protest - also not fine.

Have the courage of your convictions. Tell your manager you won't be going because it isn't appropriate, and you will turn up for work as usual. OR take a half-day holiday and have a lie-in instead of attending (no-one can tell you what you should do in your own time), but don't try to persuade other people to do what you want them to. It may be that at least some of them genuinely DO want to attend his funeral.

Hot buttered.

Are you anti workers unions? Think about what I wrote and what you wrote.

You might not like the OPs tone (and she might not like yours), but there’s nothing illegal in that. However when someone is acting illegally, it’s important for the matter to be raised, there is strength in numbers. Cf Jimmy Savile, Weinstein etc. It raises confidence for people to take the matter over a thief / bullies head and be dealt with by the authorities. This manager is demanding that 30 people lose half a days wages. That is theft. Of course they should be discussing how to respond!

You are confusing your distaste at the circumstances with a far more important legal issue.

SchadenfreudePersonified

Perfectly put

.

@Pannacot

You might not like the OPs tone (and she might not like yours), but there’s nothing illegal in that. However when someone is acting illegally, it’s important for the matter to be raised, there is strength in numbers. Cf Jimmy Savile, Weinstein etc. It raises confidence for people to take the matter over a thief / bullies head and be dealt with by the authorities. This manager is demanding that 30 people lose half a days wages. That is theft. Of course they should be discussing how to respond!

You are confusing your distaste at the circumstances with a far more important legal issue.

Well said! Good post.

@Bastardkitty

People seem to embrace a bizarre level of hypocrisy when someone really awful dies. I would only go to the funeral of someone I really disliked if it was a conscious decision to support a partner or family member I cared about. Do posters think they are lovely lovely people just because they go to the funeral even if they hate the person? What's lovely about that?

I know. Hilarious isn't it?!

Bet these same people never said a negative WORD about the person when they were alive though, coz they are so lovely, and never slag anyone off, like ever!

Yeah right.

@dontdrinkdontsmoke

Please don’t go to Steve the (dead) Cunt’s funeral. He wouldn’t want you there anyway. Your manager is being fucking ridiculous.

Oh dear! 😂😂😂

I am shocked you haven't been sent to the naughty step by certain posters on here, after the way they have been lambasting me!!! (Purely for being honest about how I feel!)