To think a 13 year old boy shouldn't use the ladies loo?

[NameChangeLulu]

NC for this. Recently I was in a situation where a group of people I was in went to a service station. A boy of 13 was told by his mother to come into the ladies with her rather than use the gents as it was safer.

AIBU to think that’s not OK?

Why didn't you say anything at the time ? Then you might of got a reasonable answer

Ladies loos are all cubicles, so at the worst you'd be washing your hands in the next sink to a boy. I'd let it pass.

@Olivetappas because I diddnt want to upset a family member in public and I know the reason why, the mum clearly said it was because ‘the ladies was safer’ to her son.

I’ve already said elsewhere in the thread that I diddnt say anything at the time but since the event I have pondered on it, mainly as I have a DS the same age and in that location at that time it wouldn’t have occurred to me to suggest there was a risk to using the men’s

If the papers and TV are to believed, we are all going to be allowed to be "gender fluid", you just choose what you fancy being on one particular day, does tht mean I can use the gents when there is the inivitable queue at the ladies!

lils

Then you are going to have to find another toilet.

Your kid at 10 will likely he alot bigger and there For scarier to all the young girls in there. If everyone does the same you are just helping to prevent the girls from having the freedom to go out and do stuff witg their friends.

Again. Your problem to solve not mine or anyone else's dds who those loos are meant for .

At the end of the day my sons safety will always come first to me.

I would be ashamed to teach my son that his needs and wishes always, always come before the needs of women and girls, even in spaces which are designated for women and girls. What type of man is a boy going to grow up to be, when he is taught that?

nanny actually I might do that!
Claim I’m a trans and can go into the make toilet to avoid the queues. If enough of us were doing that, I suspect men would be quick to react and actually say it’s not ok... even if it’s just because they have to queue

My 10 year old is so big and scary

I’ll worry about my children and their safety and do whatever I think is right

Teaching them they are more important then girls who are in their own spaces is not what's right though is it.

Selfish

One that's little different from most of them sadly Annie although in this case it seems less about the son's need and more about his mothers.

It doesn’t matter. You know that schools are being built now with open plan unisex toilets? Our children are growing up to not be frightened of washing their hands in front of someone if the opposite sex, it’s a pity our generation can’t grow up a bit, to be honest

And alot of 10 yr olds are already several inches taller than my 11 yr old dd. She would he upset to find a boy in the girls loos who wasn't clearky a very young one

At the train station (the only place this has ever been an issue) I asked them to open the baby change/disabled toilet and the lady said oh no you just use the ladies. I asked and then followed their rules

When I use servicestation loos they always seem to have signs saying that there maybe male cleaners working in them so I can't imagine being upset about a 13 year old boy.

And es my sons school is unisex, he’d never see the issue as it’s something he does every day

Just to add my husband says the gents loos also have signs saying there may be female cleaners so it works both ways.

Qvar as I pointed out above, the open plan unisex toilets aren't as dangerous as the standard-plan enclosed ones, so it's an entirely different issue.

And the open-plan ones also don't solve everything - I've posted twice already about the unisex ones in Camden where some men don't bother to shut the cubicle doors, so you get flashed. Whether this is laziness or an easy, risk-free (for the men) way to expose themselves to women with a handy "excuse", i don't know and don't care, because it's vile.

And es my sons school is unisex, he’d never see the issue as it’s something he does every day

My DS also goes to a school with unisex cubicles, so he also does this every day. But he would not be so entitled and precious to imagine that this gives him the right to invade spaces set aside for women and girls.

i really dread to think what kind of man your DS will grow up into, lils888, if this is what you teach him.

I think it happens the other way round as well, a few weeks ago my daughter, in her 20s, was asked by a man if she would keep an eye on his daughter in the loo as he was uncomfortable with her going in there alone, felt awkward about going in with her but that was what he was about to do before my daughter approached the loo and he didn't want to take her into the gents. DD was fine with it, she is a teacher so keeping an eye on kids isn't anything new to her.

My DS also goes to a school with unisex cubicles, so he also does this every day. But he would not be so entitled and precious to imagine that this gives him the right to invade spaces set aside for women and girls. The boy wasn't being entitled and precious, he was doing what his mother told him to do.

It may sound irrational but some women are not comfortable with men being present whilst they are using the loo. OK so they are in a cubicle and can't be seen but maybe it's the fact that men know they've got their knickers off, maybe it's the fact that they were not brought up with mixed loos and would feel differently if they had been, maybe they've been sexually abused (which 13 YOs are capable of ) and need to escape to a female space, maybe they don't want males to hear them opening their sanpro wrappers and using the bins, maybe they are worried about men or boys looking under the door.

@AquaAddict has two DDs with SN who are having their lives further restricted by this issue. The boy who triggered her DD2's meltdown and made her unable to go into public loos should not have been in the ladies - if he could not use the gents alone and did not have an adult male with him he should have used the disabled facilities which are not there solely for wheelchair users. He was swinging on the door frame too - if he's going to do that what's to stop him looking over into the next cubicle. And before anyone says that they should get over it they are in cubicles I can tell you from experience that it's not that simple with an ASD.

If gents loos are not safe for teenage boys with no SN then that issue needs to be addressed - maybe some CCTV. A school near me has this in the toilets, it is positioned so that it can't see inside cubicles or frontal views of boys using urinals and has done wonders for safety.

There's a restaurant near me where all the cubicles are floor to ceiling and contain basins. Whilst there are nominally separate male, female, disabled and baby changing cubicles they are alongside each other. It seems to work well.

Then you are going to have to find another toilet. Your kid at 10 will likely he alot bigger and there For scarier to all the young girls in there...Your problem to solve not mine or anyone else's dds who those loos are meant for

This poster was saying that she won't let her ten year old child use the mens toilets alone at the train station as they are usually full of drug addicts. Therefore she accompanies her child into the only available toilet to which she, as an adult, can also access - the ladies. Given the choice between this or sending my own ten year old unaccompanied into a toilet where there's a well known chance of druggies hanging around or needles or other paraphernalia, I'd take my ten year old into the ladies too.

If your ten year old dd can't handle washing her hands next to a boy the same age in this (rare!) situation, I'd argue that that's a whole lot of your problem tbh.

The fact that you call ten year old boys big and scary to ten year old girls is ridiculous.

Your kid at 10 will likely he alot bigger and there For scarier to all the young girls in there

Who is teaching these girls to be scared of 10 year old boys?

I can't remember what age I sent my DSs into the male toilets by themselves. Probably about 8, definitely before 10. I think the only time I've been worried for them was in a foreign airport.

The boy wasn't being entitled and precious, he was doing what his mother told him to do.

I know, granny. The entitlement and preciousness comes from in this case the mother. But what do you imagine this is teaching this boy? They learn what we teach them, and this boy is being taught that his needs come before those of women and girls, even in a space designated especially for women and girls.

I don’t think that this is ok. I’m actually amazed that there are people who do.

What does he do when he’s out with his friends?