To think a 13 year old boy shouldn't use the ladies loo?

[NameChangeLulu]

NC for this. Recently I was in a situation where a group of people I was in went to a service station. A boy of 13 was told by his mother to come into the ladies with her rather than use the gents as it was safer.

AIBU to think that’s not OK?

It may not be the answer - but in some cases is the only option at the time

Uncomfortable

What age does it stop? What about the girls and women who don't feel safe with males over a reasonable age there ? Where do they go?

You heard me didn’t you. Ds1 (13) will always come with me to use the ladies . He’s autistic, but looks ‘normal’. It is because the ladies generally smell nicer and are cleaner. He’s the size of a man. You really need to get something more important to think about. Judge away...

I think this attitude of girls deserve safe spaces but men don’t

Nobody thinks that. But eroding a female space to provide a safe space for boys/men isn't the answer at all.

And Giles I solve it so that my child is not uncomfortable. Because he is my child.

If my child being safe is not your concern then your chile feeling safe is not mine.

What I do get to decide is how to take care of my child.

What age is it that all these men become unsafe to be around?

Just asking because we used to have these discussions on mumsnet about 7 year old's going into the ladies - SEVEN!! Now all of a sudden it is 13?!? What age next year?

When we all get used to sharing with 13 year olds - some of whom are taller than me, do we then have to get used to 15 year olds (because they won't have learned to use the gents by 13 - THIRTEEN!),

when do we stop? when are we allowed to stand up and complain?

(and more importantly how do we stop the Ladies becoming a cesspool of wee and stench! )

And my child is seven. If you have an issue with a child being there then leave because my child is more at risk than you are, as he is a child.

@mrsBeverleyGoldberg forgive me if I have missed this earlier in the thread but is there a reason your DS cannot use accessible facilities rather than the ladies?

Because to some extent I get the issue over safety in certain public toilets. But saying a male (poss post puberty) can access female spaces because "they smell better and are cleaner" isn't massively appropriate. If he - as part of his condition - needs a cleaner facility then surely the disabled loo is the way to go.

If the issue is the way some men behave why is the answer making some women/girls uncomfortable and possibly restricting their freedom

And my child is seven

So in fact not really anything like the 13 year old in the OP then.....there's a MARKED difference between 13 and 7.

Beyond I've already said that once my child was emotionally aware of his surroundings and knew how to signal for help then he'd no longer use the ladies. Whether this meant him being able to use the disabled loo and wait in a busy space outside the ladies door or using the gents. Until he can do either of those he comes with me.

I'd hope that by 13/14 he could at least do the former, if the gents was out of the question. As it would be the same if all toilets were encloses unisex rooms.

7 is still within the boundries set . Its usually around 8.

So he's ok to be there for now.

But just bare in mind when everyone decides to do the same as their 9 10 13 15 yr old should be in the ladies just how safe will your ds be then..

Jacques he is seven but looks at least ten if not eleven. He is treated in the same way as a thirteen year old.

I've also answered as to when I would stop, which is based not on his height or a definitive age.

Goodness, my ds is 5 and won’t go into the ladies toilets with me if there are other women in there too. He glues his feet to the ground and I couldn’t drag him in if I wanted. If it’s just us, he’ll quickly run in, do his job and run out again. We usually end up using the disabled or baby changing room for him as I don’t feel comfortable sending him into the men’s alone at this age.

Giles he will be safe because I am there, which is why he doesn't use the mens.

@mrsBeverleyGoldberg unless you are a member of my family (which you aren’t are you! ) then of course it’s not you I’m talking about.

Also, have been VERY clear that the child in question has absolutely no SN whatsoever.

He’s not registered as disabled or have a key to open a disabled toilet.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg he has more right to use the disabled than he does the ladies. Long term you'd be better teaching him to use disabled as you won't always be there

I hardly see what risk a 13 year old boy is when he's in the Ladies loo... with his mum. FFS.

FFS. The 12 and 13 year old boys who stared at my dds were with their mum. The boy who looked about 14 who was swinging on the door frame was with his mum. None of those mums saw a problem. Yet, as usual, the needs of girls are forgotten. I now have a daughter who's scared of public loos, who worries what she'll do when we leave the house. There are many here who seem to think she should get over it. Why do her needs not count? She has asd just as those boys do but is expected to shut up and put up

To those who've understood thank you. I'm fucking sick of them being thrown under the bus because the needs of boys are seen as more important than theirs

And MrsBeverleyGoldberg - your sons asd does not trump my daughters asd. Why the fuck should she just get something else to think about? Why can't he use the accessible loos or do I have to take my daughters in there as his presence means they would be unable to use the ladies?

@AquaAddict are her issues gender specific? If this was an unruly female child would she have reacted the same way do you think?

I’m really not clued up on ASD but it doesn’t sound like these boys could have been left alone in a toilet. But I believe you don’t get a disabled toilet key unless you’re registered which from what I know is getting harder and harder to do.

My son has bladder control issues and doesn’t qualify for one

Not all disabled toilets need keys though do they? Only actual public loos (which I would avoid at all costs anyway) from my experience.

And so what if he looks ‘normal’ (to use your terminology- which makes me a bit tbh) if he has a condition that means the disabled loo suits you better then I think it should be used by him, more than the ladies anyway and fuck what others may think.

I constantly encounter locked disabled loos when needing to change the baby - it seems that more and more places are locking them

Isn't this moot anyway, as soon women's toilets will be available to fully adult men and nobody will have any right to challenge them as they might feel like women...

The debate over where the cut off for pre pubescent boys is seems dwarfed by the fact that mature adult men will be free to use the ladies soon.

mrsbeverleyGoldberg your son should use the accessible loos, not the women's loos. He's not a woman, and his needs and wishes aren't more important than those of women and girls, who also may have additional needs, and who are unable to use the loos at all if they know men may be in there.