To not notice I was being excluded!

[Mrbluethecatt]

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

Really your boss shouldn't have involved you at all. He should simply have responded to the email along the lines of:

Dear Batshitpeople

I am afraid I do not understand what you are complaining about. As you know, there is no requirement in anyone's terms of employment that they invite their colleagues to their houses, and indeed as employers we have no right whatsoever to impose that requirement. In fact, if we did so it could be viewed as a serious breach of contract and expose us to a claim for constructive dismissal.

I am however seriously concerned that you state you have been deliberately excluding Blue from office-based social events and activities. As you should be aware, that is a direct contravention of the Workplace Bullying policy and I am now consulting HR with a view to taking formal disciplinary proceedings against you as a result. In the meantime, I must ask each of you to confirm that this behaviour will cease immediately. I believe that that will do much more to achieve an appropriate office environment than the action you appear to be requiring from Blue.

Yours, Boss

That’s bullying behaviour from them and now your boss for not putting an end to it when he got the email.

How dare they! You don’t have to socialize it’s your job. And they all collaborated in the email? I’d take this seriously and take note of all incidents so far, take it to HR or even see a solicitor. You can’t be feeling put upon at work.

How very strange. I'm glad you've involved the HR person, you definitely need to have a person of sane mind in the meeting with you.

🦇💩

Wtaf!!!! They all sound utterly insane!

Definitely get out ASAP. They will never change as they see their way of doing things as completely normal (even though no other sane person would!)

What the hell industry is this in? I've worked in several roles where socialising is considered part of the culture but in no way was it ever compulsory far less not socialising considered grounds for disciplining an employee which is what seems to be happening here.

I'd recommend speaking to ACAS, insisting you are not ambushed (that is highly unprofessional and unnecessary), that everything is recorded, I would also consider requesting a NEW hr consultant be invited in as the current one is clearly shit at their job! This type of dynamic should NEVER have been allowed to develop in the first place. Recipe for disaster, there's serious psychological enmeshment here akin to what happens in cults. Deeply unhealthy.

How did your vacancy come about? Have you replaced someone that retired?

Years ago I was in a very similar situation, it was a temp job and so I had few rights, I was also very young and naive. Nothing I did was right, every contribution to conversation, every compliment I gave, even the fact I was very good at the job (shop job, if I was on till it was always spot on when cashed up, if I was on shelves they were spotless and stock always filled promptly...) was something that was regarded with suspicion and criticised. Eventually I was hauled in to bosses office because I hadn't washed my cup from tea break immediately - I kid you not, I left it soaking to be washed at next break as it had been used for soup and it was MY personal cup I had bought, other staff members regularly left the kitchen in a disgusting state. Basically the boss let me go because I was 'causing an atmosphere' my parents who obviously had more life experience put it down to 'face doesn't fit' I was worried about reference and (pathetically) allowed my dad to call and check on this (he was a 'big boss' himself) and the way my boss spoke to my dad and what was said was basically making me out a liar. Luckily my dad knows me very well and knows I didn't lie at all. After he came off phone he assured me there wouldn't be an issue with the reference and weirdly she gave me an excellent reference. I later learned that this boss was sacked as basically the whole team imploded when one staff member had an affair with another's partner - (they were all very friendly and socialised together every weekend etc), the 2 staff members concerned couldn't leave their shit at the door resulting in a blazing row on the shop floor - with the manager joining in! Several customers called in to complain to head office.

Honestly do not let these bullies away with this

Bonkers. It's not normal cultural practice - In England at least (I see you're in scotland you might be a bit different!) - to invite your work colleagues to your home. I have had many long and interesting conversations about this with people from different countries, who find it weird that we won't do that but will go and get hammered with workmates we hardly know + the boss.

Just one of those things but to me it is incredibly weird that they expect this.

I can't wait to hear what the HR consultant has to say .

I agree that you'll have to leave, there's no coming back from this

So you are a PhD level professional which indicates your colleagues are likely to be intelligent, professional people too. Which makes it all the more baffling.

Ha - and "schoolgate mums" are the ones supposedly to watch out for I have never experienced anything untoward there but offices can be mental!

Just got through the whole thread - wowza, OP, solidarity, you are the reasonable professional here, so sorry that your colleagues have turned out to be cray cray! Please don’t let them effectively bully you out of the job though if you enjoy it and are good at it - you mentioned the possibility of a different manager, that seems like it would be a reasonable request if your current manager doesn’t handle this appropriately. How big is the organisation, is there another team you could transfer to perhaps.

Hope the HR consultant is useful for you.

I love that they think they are the victims here. Bless.

If they're suggesting there's some sort of policy that you have to invite colleagues to your home, it's potentially discriminatory. Suppose, for example, someone joined the office who had an autistic child who simply couldn't cope with strangers coming to the house?

Wow, why would you want a work family ? They sound mad !

mad as a box of frogs. i guess they've never heard of 'professionalism'.

The HR guy has called (and emailed). He spoke with his boss. There will be no meeting tomorrow. HR guy was flabbergasted at manager's email and the one forwarded. His boss is going to speak with my manager's boss asap.

HR guy suggested I either work from home until this is sorted or take some paid leave. I said so I'm being suspended/punished. He said no definitely not. I told him that given my manager appears to agree with the women how can I work there now. No matter what happens now there will be an atmosphere and recriminations.

He said not to worry about that just now. I am going to take tomorrow and Friday as paid leave and will see about next week. I really want to tell my manager to go fuck himself for not not standing up to the woman and for making me sit here and cry.

Financially we will be ok for a while when I am looking for a new job. I just really loved the one I had. But I can't go back there.

Out of interest is your boss part of this inner circle? Does your boss attend all the cauldron stirring events?

Wow! I can understand you not going in but actually I would want to, to face them down. Even just to see the expression on their faces when they realise how fecking (I don't even have the words) ridiculous they are.

OP I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this it’s ridiculous!! I think they are all going to be in trouble as it’s totally out of order to treat you like this. Try to stay calm and don’t get too worked up as hopefully things will be resolved. It’s really bad timing that your husband is away but I totally think you’ve done the right thing getting HR involved as they will know the best course of action from here. I hope you got to speak to your husband soon.

I'm glad that HR seem as flabbergasted as the rest of us!

You have done nothing wrong OP, you shouldn't need to move jobs.

Would/could you front it out?

Totally up to you whether to stay or not but from your latest update, if your managers boss has ANYTHING about them they will break this team up and sack the manager. It's been appallingly badly handled and should never have reached this stage.

Please do not let them bully you out of a job you enjoy, at the very very least have something lined up before you you, if you really do feel you need to go.

I'm glad though that someone in the organisation has seen some sense.

Before you go*

You don't need to leave your job. Just go back in and get on with your work. They are the ones on the wrong. I think once HR have had a word they may start acting differently anyway. I would go back and see how it goes.

I'd seriously suggest you go in tomorrow and simply behave as normally, as if nothing has happened. Otherwise it looks as if you feel there is something to hide.

And don't assume you have to look for another job. Your employers are clearly going to be advised that this can't go on, and I suspect it may well be that they are advised to reorganise things so that this little gang is broken up, because it's clearly very unhealthy. At the very least they should be looking at moving you where you can work with sane people.

Why would you work from home or take leave? I wouldn't, I would be attending and working professionally as usual. I definitely think you need to join a union or get some proper representation. Has the HR person put all this in writing, you need a clear email trail. If he hasn't, I would email him to confirm. Is he a qualified HR professional?