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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/11/2017 19:59

I wouldn´t leave. I´d go in tomorrow and get on with my job as normal. Fuck them.

CoraPirbright · 15/11/2017 19:59

I just really loved the one I had. But I can't go back there

Oh dear I am so sorry OP Sad Flowers

Whilst you say that, financially you will be ok until you find another job, at least you can get them to give you a big pay off. They have stupidly shot themselves in the foot by putting in writing that they have purposefully decided to bully you.

AppleKatie · 15/11/2017 20:01

Enjoy the paid leave OP and stop crying about these ridiculous bitches.

Work out what it would take for you to stay in this job- HR know you've been outrageously treated and should now be bending over backwards to support you now.

LadyLapsang · 15/11/2017 20:02

Have you forwarded the emails to your home computer or printed them? You don't want them keeping you out of the office and then getting rid of the electronic evidence.

ThisTimeItsTrue · 15/11/2017 20:04

Say what????

You have phds (plaural 😱😱😱😱) AND you are a medical Doctor ?..

Flipping heck....that's impressive.

Ceto · 15/11/2017 20:05

Your managers should certainly be looking at disciplining everyone involved for blatant workplace bullying, including your manager for condoning it.

I must admit in your shoes I'd want to be around, due to unhealthy curiosity about their reactions once the news reaches them ...

WipsGlitter · 15/11/2017 20:06

Agree you need a paper trail and to take this higher than your own manager.

LML83 · 15/11/2017 20:07

I am so pleased HR are taking this seriously and can see how wrong it is.

Feel awful for you having to leave a job you love. There's still a chance it won't come to that. Maybe this group will be split or better sacked. Flowers

Ginkypig · 15/11/2017 20:08

Iv rarely heard anything more ridiculous.

DancingHouse · 15/11/2017 20:09

They have openly admitted to ostracizing you on purpose. That is bullying. Your HR bod knows this and you could take them to the cleaners.

SusieOwl4 · 15/11/2017 20:09

You are paid to work not socialise . You are right they are wrong . Hold your head up high . I have never heard anything so ridiculous. They owe you a big apology .

Kintan · 15/11/2017 20:09

Don't leave a job you love! At least explore the idea you mentioned about working with a different manager. You have it writing that they are bullying you by exclusion. I know it'll be really awkward, but stand your ground, these jokers can't be allowed to get away with this!

myshinynewusername · 15/11/2017 20:10

I think you would possibly have grounds for some sort of constructive dismissal case.

Hopefully, someone more knowledgeable than me can advise you better, but it is so utterly out of order that you feel you have no choice but to leave a job you love because a group of adult-children are throwing their toys out of the pram because they haven't been invited to play at your house.

Cookingongas · 15/11/2017 20:13

Good god - they’re idiots! And the boss even more so. They are on very thin ice and in their own head be it.

Hope your head high op. Don’t be bullied and harangued by these ridiculous people. If you live the job and truthfully hadn’t noticed their ire, then negotiate to work from home or with another manager etc. You hold the cards here, hr know that and your manager will know that now- all too soon for his liking I fear.

PoshPenny · 15/11/2017 20:13

I really think you should go in with your head held high tomorrow and not take time off. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to go back there. However, if you really don't feel able to return there then perhaps you should find yourself an employment lawyer to start negotiating a (hopefully stonking great) payout and glowing reference on your behalf. What a bunch of horrible nasty people. Flowers

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 15/11/2017 20:13

Is it the kind of job where you could listen to music on headphones? If so, could you breeze in tomorrow, say good morning to the office at large, sit down, plug yourself in, concentrate on work?

If you stay home they're going to have a mass-bitching session about you. And think they've won - you're leaving.

Kelsoooo · 15/11/2017 20:15

Jesus....this is rediculous. Fingers crossed the resolution is one you'll be happy with.

AnxietyStrikes · 15/11/2017 20:16

Office jobs can be like this...full of petty unpleasant women. Unfortunately I've worked in many of them.

No one can force you to be friends with your collegues.

Spudlet · 15/11/2017 20:16

Holy shit. That is batshit. I’ve worked in some tight knit teams - even in places where we were referred to as a ‘family’ [insert sceptical face 🤨] but this is batshit and incidentally, would never have been accepted anywhere that I’ve worked.

You have done nothing wrong and HR are clearly on your side, not least because I suspect they know that you’d have a damn good chance of taking them to the cleaners in a constructive dismissal case. If you want to work from home I don’t think anyone could blame you, but equally you’ve every right to walk in their with your head held high and to face those silly bitches down. Hopefully, as a pp said, their little clique will be broken up and your manager will be given a stern ear bending, because good grief. Madness!

Spudlet · 15/11/2017 20:17

In there, not their - dear god, the shame...!

ptumbi · 15/11/2017 20:18

Please stop crying OP

I'd go in tomorrow just to see the shit hit. You couldnot BE more in the right, and they in the wrong.

Stand your ground and just watch the fun.

paddypants13 · 15/11/2017 20:19

So they've essentially admitted to bullying you by excluding you and they have made a complaint because you are not upset by their bullying? Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Just when I think the human race has reached maximum fuckwittery someone goes one further.

Ask for HR to be at the meeting, point out that you are being bullied. Agree that if they stop creating an atmosphere you will say no more about it (assuming you are feeling generous towards them, otherwise make a formal complaint.)

ICanNeverThinkOfAGoodUsrname · 15/11/2017 20:19

Have you forwarded the emails to your home computer or printed them? You don't want them keeping you out of the office and then getting rid of the electronic evidence.

Very very good point/advice.

HermionesRightHook · 15/11/2017 20:20

Bloody hell OP. I'm glad I read the whole thread - at first I thought it was hilarious and that your manager would bawl them out and sort it all because they're clearly batshit.

But reading the rest of it: what a completely unprofessional pile of horsecrap. I think you're best off doing what the HR rep says, partly because you're so upset now and there's no need to drag this into work, but have you got paid leave for the rest of the week in writing? Because I would be seriously documenting the crap out of this. If you haven't, email HR rep and your boss now and say:

"Just to confirm after my phone conversation with HR rep at Time, I am following his instructions and remaining at home on paid leave, and am expecting to return to work on Monday as usual.

As you can imagine I am very upset about all of this: I love my job and I thought I had a friendly and cordial relationship with my colleagues. As they've all been close friends for a long time I wouldn't expect to be invited to their houses or parties, and I didn't know about a work Facebook group; I would have loved to be included. I hope we can move past this and continue our cordial, collegial and effective working relationships."

Basically, make yourself the bigger person, give them NO grounds for any issues with you, and depending on what happens over the next couple of days, consider an employment lawyer. This is seriously shitty treatment and if HR can't bang heads together and fix it, you may need to go in and get the lay of the land, see how they're treating you, and then think about whether this is a constructive dismissal complaint. And if they try and pay you off, do not sign anything without talking to a solicitor.

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 20:20

HR guy said they always have the victim of workplace bullying go on paid leave until things are sorted. Helps with stress etc.

I have spoken to DH, he is back Friday so we are going to have a good chat about my job and what it will take for me to stay. If I had a better manager and worked from home I would probably stay.

ThisTimeItsTrue I was in the army too for a while until I was wounded. I'm a bit of a career hopper.

OP posts: