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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
TheEricaOlthwaiteGang · 15/11/2017 19:02

She won't invite us to her house!!!

To not notice I was being excluded!
NetflixandBill · 15/11/2017 19:04

I don’t understand why, if they wanted you to get more involved, they haven’t been making an effort to invite you to things more, not less i.e to ‘model the desired behaviour’. It would have been incredibly awkward to have to approach them to ask why you had not been invited to a Halloween party, especially as a new member of a very established team.

Alternatively, one of them could have tried to have a chat with you to see if there was a reason why you (by their perception) weren’t gelling with the team.

The only difference would be if you had been repeatedly declining their invitations. While as pp have said, socialising with colleagues isn’t mandatory, it also is important to try and work with the dynamic.

I really can’t fathom the logic.

somethingDifferent38 · 15/11/2017 19:05

Unless your manager is living on another planet, the only reason he is calling this meeting is to tell them they can’t let personal feelings get in the way of work. Your only response needs to be is that if there’s a problem with your work, you will of course address it, but your socialite is your own business.
This ^
Unfortunately if he tells them they are being silly and need to act professionally with you present, they will feel humiliated which may make it even worse. It would be a lot better if he spoke to you, then talked to them separately.

blueskyinmarch · 15/11/2017 19:05

How very weird. Why would you want to invite your colleagues to your home or to meet your family?

If they didn't tell you about their FB page or about their Halloween party how would you ever have any Idea about them? That is batshit!

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 15/11/2017 19:07

Wow - contact Acas and tell the all of this! They will let you know your rights and how you should proceed.

I have never heard anything like this before employment-wise (and i've heard a lot in my role) This is not even funny but ... you have to laugh or ...

TrojansAreSmegheads · 15/11/2017 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SemolinaSilkpaws · 15/11/2017 19:08

I hope your manager instigates a mass head wobbling session for your colleagues. They sound pathetic and much like a sad little bunch I worked with a number of years ago. I used to go home and laugh at their silly exploits. I remember one accosting me as she had driven down my road (why) and noticed my neighbour four doors down wall had fallen down. What was I going to do about it. Sweet fuck all was the response.

Why do they think you would want to ask them to your home and to meet your family?

Holyknight · 15/11/2017 19:08

This sounds like a scene from In The Thick Of It or WC1A or similar. You just couldn’t make it up it’s so fucking batshit. I hope your HR dept doesn’t let you down. You shouldn’t have to leave a job you love on the grounds that your colleagues are total fruitloops.

LoveProsecco · 15/11/2017 19:09

Just wow! They sound bizarre

Lweji · 15/11/2017 19:09

Something to do with planning conservation

Is this an episode of Parks and Recreation?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/11/2017 19:10

I am wondering if your manager would expect a man to invite male colleagues to his house or if this stupid rule only applies to the girlz Hmm

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 19:10

NotAgainYoda yes kind of. More theory now than practice.

I've was a doctor in a hospital before going back to Uni and I've never been in this position before. People behaved like adults.

OP posts:
DeepAutumn · 15/11/2017 19:10

I think the question ''do I need to be at the meeting?'' is a good one.

In my last job though, I was ignored pretty universally. I started out confident but after your fiftieth innocuous funny I thought comment falls on seemingly deaf ears, you stop bothering, become too self-conscious to say anything at all and then you become really quiet. One of the reasons I was let go was that I wasn't part of the team. The biddies who froze me out weren't told to be more welcoming, making reply ......... nod, smile... when the nooob talks.

SmokingGun · 15/11/2017 19:10

As a manger, if I received an email like this I would be looking around my office for a hidden camera.

Sadly, I can perfectly imagine the type of person who has sent this email. The worst thing is that she’s likely to be genuinely affronted that you have not laid yourself bare to them.

Hopefully your HR consultant comes back with something soon.

Do not leave a role you enjoy because of this. Let’s be honest, they clearly haven’t done a good job of phasing you out so far!

LML83 · 15/11/2017 19:11

These people are awful OP. Hopefully you are pleasantly surprised at the meeting and it goes well but I agree either they will get into trouble and it will be worse it they won't and u will know manager/he are incompetent.

As you like the job so much maybe a bit of smoothing things over is needed. Explain to them

'I just assumed I wasn't invited as you have all been friends so long and I didn't want to intrude on that. I would love to socialise with you but I am so busy ......... I have very little free time which I try to see my ........... Please know I love out chat a bout bake off etc and wish I could socialise more but I can't'

The above is nonsense but if you really want to keep the job smooth it over without agreeing to do anything differently. This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I really hope there is a way to do job away from this lot. If you do have to go make sure everyone above your boss knows why. It's really unfair.

Ceto · 15/11/2017 19:12

It sounds from those communications as if your boss may side with these women as they seem pretty convinced that he subscribes to the whole "family" bullshit. You really need either the HR person or someone senior to your boss at the meeting.

MagicMoneyTree · 15/11/2017 19:12

Oh my god, they are all completely bonkers and I NEED to know what happens. Please keep us posted re: conversation with HR person and proposed meeting. And please, please don’t let them force you out if this role is otherwise perfect for you.

ArcheryAnnie · 15/11/2017 19:14

This is half shameless-placemark, and half plea to you, OP, not to leave this job without getting a written excellent reference and a payoff, if you do decide to leave. There isn't an employment tribunal in the land that wouldn't be on your side.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/11/2017 19:14

Stick to your guns OP. And ask your boss if he’s expect this of a man. Keep us posted!

Pseudousername · 15/11/2017 19:14

Oh my days. I am sorry you are in this position OP. It all seems a bit Hot Fuzz / League of Gentleman to me.

Having that email forwarded to you is like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow though.

Constructive dismissal written all over it.

Ceto · 15/11/2017 19:15

Would I be right in thinking they haven't invited you to their homes, OP?

Pseudousername · 15/11/2017 19:17

100% take someone in with you.

If you haven't got time to organise that then record the meeting on your 'phone at least.

If they refuse this then insist you need more time in order to arrange for someone to attend the meeting with you - otherwise it's just you vs the coven.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 15/11/2017 19:19

I can’t get my head round this! WTF are any of them thinking!

OldEnglishSheepDog · 15/11/2017 19:22

I've worked in many places that are tight knit but this is properly mad. Best of luck tomorrow OP - I would go with bemused and amused in equal measures I think.

AppleKatie · 15/11/2017 19:22

Shock these people are crazy OP. It definitely isnt you!!

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