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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 15/11/2017 21:47

I'm glad your HR seems up to scratch as your manager does not!

SparkleFizz · 15/11/2017 22:00

This is utterly bizarre behaviour.

I’ve never worked anywhere where you were expected to socialise to the extent of inviting colleagues into your home and introducing them to your family.

And how is deliberately not inviting you to Halloween parties and other things expected to make you open up? Surely most people don’t respond to being excluded by inviting the people doing the excluding into their home?

Glad that your HR is on the case. Hopefully they’ll manage to work things out so you don’t feel you have to leave when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

SingingSeuss · 15/11/2017 22:00

Just wow. I feel for you. What a completely weird situation. I couldn't work anywhere that tried to make me socialise outside office hours. I am perfectly pleasant in work but I have my own life. My colleagues are great, and over the years I have made some good friends who I do socialise with outside of work but that happens naturally not through compulsory events and with individuals I have things in common with, not the whole team. Make sure you feed back how this has impacted you via HR and hopefully they will think twice about their policy on this. Making people feel uncomfortable is bullying.

Evilstepmum01 · 15/11/2017 22:09

That email should be in Classics!!

sorry you feel you can't go back, hope you can sort something out. You know, where you can go to work and actually......work without some immature women sulking with you because you're not dancing to their tune!

FruitCider · 15/11/2017 22:11

Just. Wow.

Enjoy your paid leave and let HR sort out this cluster fuck of a situation!

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/11/2017 22:14

I work in an almost exclusively female workplace (managing board has 1 man and 6 women) and it is a happy and harmonious environment with minimal bitchery. I have also worked in a mixed workplace with one man in particular who went around stirring up gossip and lies (to a bunch of largely bemused women). Stop rendering this!

Op, they sound bonkers Confused

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/11/2017 22:14

Rendering? Gendering!!

DarkPeakScouter · 15/11/2017 22:16

Hope it all gets settled and don’t give up your job!!

bufin · 15/11/2017 22:26

A work family........ blimey.

MrsRhubarb · 15/11/2017 22:31

Blimey, I can't get over "work family" and "home family". Or, to normal people, "work family" and... actual family Hmm

So pleased HR are on your side OP, hope it all works out.

BastardTart · 15/11/2017 22:34

Please dont let these idiots make you cry or even consider quitting your job.

What they are doing is bullying you, (and then emailing your manager complaining that their bullying isn't making you become their friend Shock which is quite likely the most idiotic thing they could have done)

If you do go into the meeting then be prepared, say you were initially invited out for coffee etc, but then invites stopped, they then started tutting at you, ignoring you, etc. And you did notice, you asked one of them if you'd done something wrong (you trying to figure out what was happening) and were told no.

If they do end up in a heap of shit then it's not your fault (don't let them blame you for the consequences of their actions). You certainly don't have to try and mend bridges by inviting them to your house.

MynewnameisKy · 15/11/2017 22:35

So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.

So they have sent your manager a email essentially stating they have been bullying you in the work place.

Are they a bit dim?

Shakey15000 · 15/11/2017 22:36

Bloody hell that's all shades of ridiculous.

I think I'd have to be on the exaggerated side of "Excuse me? Can I just clarify you're actually suggesting I am obliged to invite colleagues into my HOME?? Or else??? Hahahahahhahahah....cough...ummm...sorry. Can you put that in writing for me? so I can use it in a tribunal"

DontMakeMeShushYou · 15/11/2017 22:45

to allow her 'work family' to meet her 'home family'

Run away, OP. Run, and don't ever look back.

Morphene · 15/11/2017 22:47

That is totally off the wall! I can't believe they committed to an email the fact they had been deliberately leaving you out of stuff to provoke a response!

Please don't feel you will have to leave the job though - for one thing if all their antics to date haven't actually impacted on you, then why assume it will be different now?

Hopefully everyone concerned will have a word with themselves...and maybe even dredge up an apology....

Amber5099 · 15/11/2017 22:52

Friendships and work shouldn’t be interfering with one another I mean you don’t go to work to make friends you work to pay the bills
Your work colleagues are being abit immature about it I mean you join in when you can I certainly don’t bring people home from work to meet my family unless their my best friend
The manager should only be getting involved if their is bullying or abuse going on but really it’s only silly behaviour.
Workers should at least try to be civil x

HateHomework · 15/11/2017 22:56

This actually happened? In UK?

Blackcatonthesofa · 15/11/2017 23:01

If they let you go then please sue the crap out of them.

BrassicaBabe · 15/11/2017 23:11

You are surrounded by loons! Stay and kill them with professionalism and niceness!

JustGettingStarted · 15/11/2017 23:17

They've all been there at least 15 years and you're the only new person they've had?

I don't think this is going to end with the boss seeing reason. I think you should look for another job.

gingergenius · 15/11/2017 23:22

Grin has this about 20 years ago! Intrigued for the outcome op!

splatattack · 15/11/2017 23:40

Place mark...please keep us updated OP...

C0untDucku1a · 15/11/2017 23:42

Place marking

MrsLupo · 15/11/2017 23:49

This is just awful. I know it's funny and bonkers too, but it's just terrible that the OP is considering leaving a job she loves because of a situation she didn't even know about this morning.

OP, I agree with a pp that the solution here may be to break up this cliquey team, so I do think it may be worth hanging in there for now, especially as you may not have the required length of service for a constructive dismissal claim. I have to say, good as the HR guy seems in many ways, I would think twice about taking time off, unless you are just so upset you can't face it. I get the point about bullying and stress, but a case of bullying would more usually be something the employee is, and has been, aware of on an ongoing basis, and emotions would usually have been running high for a while - not really the case here. In your shoes I would brazen it out, as the first day back is only going to get harder the longer it's put off imo.

Chin up, OP. If you can get through medical training you can get through anything. Flowers

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/11/2017 23:58

I was thinking this was very funny, until I read your most recent comments.

I'm so sorry this has upset you. Please try not to let it get to you. Flowers

And good luck.