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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not notice I was being excluded!

525 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 15/11/2017 16:59

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.Hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 15/11/2017 21:02

Might it be an idea to get this thread removed OP? The women sound like they might be Mumsnetters (sorry everyone) and this might go against your claim of being professional

Dont be ridicolous, she hasnt identified her job, what company she works for or even where she is based.

mikeyssister · 15/11/2017 21:04

And there's been no inconsistencies in OPs story

butterfly56 · 15/11/2017 21:04

This seems to me that these bunch of weirdos don't want another person in the office to upset their jealous cult!

They are a a nasty bunch of women who are trying to push you out.
No wonder the HR Consultant is gobsmacked!

I hope you find yourself a really nice job soon Flowers

Thetreesareallgone · 15/11/2017 21:05

There are not many medical doctors from the army with a 'double PhD' (whatever that is, I genuinely didn't know, a quick google tells me that it's when one PhD is followed across two institutions, but I've not come across this terminology even though I have PhD students doing exactly this) in their thirties.

It's not a typical profile, it's very distinct, and I think it could be outing. If I were you, OP I would have this deleted.

PenelopeStoppit · 15/11/2017 21:07

Oh, you know PeiPeiPing- a gossipy clan! It was meant lightheartedly.

DullAndOld I only thought if one of the women found chunks of their email on here it could be used to make the OP look unprofessional and possibly undermine their bullying behaviour. I hope she doesn't delete it as I want to find out what happens! If the OP is happy that she can't be identified or not concerned if she can, then fair enough.

DullAndOld · 15/11/2017 21:09

ye Penelope i don't want it deleted for purely selfish reasons...Grin

BewareOfDragons · 15/11/2017 21:10

Stunned on your behalf, OP. I can't believe the manager has tried to call a meeting with you re complaints by blatant bullies!

HR Consultant sounds like he knows what he's doing. Take the next few days to get your game face on and let him deal with your bosses and sort out the bullies ...

Constructive Dismissal approach sounds like good advice if going forward is deemed untenable for you based on their behaviour ...

mikeyssister · 15/11/2017 21:14

There's an episode of Big Bang Theory where Penny says "you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor and Howard you know a lot of doctors."

OP you could have saved them a fortune!!

butterfly198615 · 15/11/2017 21:15

They sound like a bunch of oddballs. If it was me I would be looking for another job, I couldn't be arsed dealing with that shit everyday.

I'm thinking that they sent this email to your manager to cover their own backs, incase you went to the manager first with the concerns of them leaving you out and a wierd atmosphere in the work place. And they have turned it round saying it's you not them.
Was it in your job description to do these social things ? Im.guessing it wasn't . So you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
It sounds like a bit clicky to me and if you don't fit in they don't want to know. I've had this in the workplace and I didn't stay very long in the job because the stress of it all and basically being ganged upon.

Traffig · 15/11/2017 21:19

Just wow.... OP, just wanted to send you some moral support along with everyone else here.
I've seen some stuff in my day but this is like...
Wickerman Workplace

Lweji · 15/11/2017 21:20

Look up constructive dismissal.

www.gov.uk/dismissal/unfair-and-constructive-dismissal

Beware:

Qualifying period to claim unfair dismissal
You must have worked for your employer for a minimum period before you qualify for the right to claim unfair dismissal at a tribunal. If you’re classed as an employee and started your job:

before 6 April 2012 - the qualifying period is normally 1 year

thegoodnameshadgone · 15/11/2017 21:22

Is this not grounds for constructive dismissal?

EscapingAdultLife · 15/11/2017 21:22

I'm sorry OP but I think this is mental! It's exactly the reason I enjoy working in a male industry! I've never so much as made my colleagues a cup of tea let alone invited them home or to any parties I've had! I'm a firm believer that you should head into work as normal tomorrow. Do what you usually do, my fear would be that the longer you stay off the harder it would be to return to work therefore the bullies have won!

bettytaghetti · 15/11/2017 21:23

Agree with other posters that you have very good grounds for a constructive dismissal case but, as you said how much you love the job, I would try and ride this out as I think senior management may decide to break up this cosy little group.
Living in each others pockets as they do, with an ineffectual manager unable to say no to them, I would be concerned about the potential for fraud etc (not sure exactly what you do) and this group may well need a shake up with some fresh blood.

AnnieHoo · 15/11/2017 21:23

They’re jealous of you OP and threatened by your intelligence. Take the days off, laugh it off with DH and go back and arrange to work from home or whatever works for you. It’s on their HR record now. If you love the work you will thrive better without those numpties distracting you with their dysfunctional parochial work family shite. Is there anyone in the vicinity with common sense, even out with your workplace you could go for lunch with? I feel for you so much, bullying is so hurtful. Bitches!

Cheby · 15/11/2017 21:26

They all sound insane. I hope you can come to a solution which works for you OP.

HermionesRightHook · 15/11/2017 21:26

How misogynistic, escaping, I've worked in female dominated workplaces all of my career and I've never seen behaviour like this. In fact I've always been surrounded by supportive and professional colleagues who know about boundaries.

This isn't a women thing, this is a mad workplace thing. It's not gendered.

flutterby12 · 15/11/2017 21:29

Women are such bitches! Don't let them get away with it.

LabradorMama · 15/11/2017 21:31

This is just absolutely crazy, seriously. Are these people for real??

What a shame for you but thank goodness HR guy has brought some (much needed) sanity to proceedings.

I hope you get a good outcome

SpottedGingham · 15/11/2017 21:34

Uh oh. Listed building.

Traffig · 15/11/2017 21:39

OP, potentially you might be able to claim constructive dismissal as pp state.
However, for the moment at least, I suggest you hang fire and see what happens.
Do NOT resign, let HR man do what he is paid to do.

I've a feeling if he is any good, it might be time for a clear out in this establishment. Some of the old stock needs shifting. In fact, the disciplinary procedure might be heading their way.

Hang fire for a while. I would be asking HR man to be in touch Friday afternoon for an update at the very least.

I'd certainly be looking at using the grievance procedure if this isn't sorted out (prior to claiming constructive dismissal if you are minded on this route)
My gut feeling is that are the more valuable worker by a long stretch.
Get a copy of all HR procedures and policies if you have not got them.
Flowers

Traffig · 15/11/2017 21:42

sorry should read
YOU are the more valuable worker..

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 15/11/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldStrife · 15/11/2017 21:42

As Turquoise said on about page 4 (I think!) keep any discussions firmly work-based - you've been working as normal, you don't see why this should impact on your day-to-day work, they are the ones that are taking action in work time and making an atmosphere (see emails for admission that they are deliberately taking actions to foster this) whereas you are continuing as normal.

Is it all of them, or is there a ringleader that the rest dare not cross?! I used to work in HR and you do sometimes come across one person in an office with a grudge that drags everyone else in to it, either by fear or simple inertia on the part of colleagues.

If the team has been together for 15 years it seems unlikely that they would move more than one person (if that, tbh) as it seems fairly entrenched. Why did they have the new post that you took up, increased workload or expansion? If it's not you in that post, then it's going to be someone else (unless they wanted someone they already knew in the post and that person lost out to you).

It is easy to say that from what you've said so far, you've done nothing wrong and to go in with your head held high - but it's not easy in practice to face a group of people daily who are hostile. I'm not sure there will be a good outcome and if not, I'd be looking for a compromise agreement.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 15/11/2017 21:42

hermione I have worked in both male and female dominated work places, I prefer male dominated. In my experience women are awful to work with, petty, bitchy, cliquey shit. Not all of them mind, I have made some good female friends through my work.

I’m pleased that your experience is difference, I wish it was the same for us all.