New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

freshstart24 - thanks for that perspective.

I will talk again with the kids.

Unfortunately the ex's handling of it all has left a taste of distrust.

It's the sneakiness I couldn't get past.

He's refused to bring your children back to you.

I'd completely lose trust in that and severely question anything 'amicable in future'

What if he wanted to keep them another night? Then decided not to bring them back until Wednesday?

I'm usually very much 'give the father a shot' but he's blown this.

He's blown the relationship you have.

Discuss with your kids what they want to do and go from there.

I have a 15yo dss, he has long hair.
He is much taller than me and I know full well that if I took him to a hairdresser and said for them to cut it short he would barely mumble a complaint even though he really wouldn't want it.

He is incredibly compliant, to the point that when he's here I have to tell him to stop cleaning up after dinner and leave some to his siblings because he would just do it all without complaint Every. Single. Time.

I also have a 14yo that goes up to bed at 9pm on a school night. Not that she's asleep 15 minutes later, but that's what time she goes up.

Just for those wondering if these things really (could) happen.

The OP is happy for her Ex to have the DC more as he requested. They agreed.

She did not agree for the SM to have more access on her own.

If he;s not there he won't see them. If he's home he will. So he'll get more when it's possible.

its really fucking annoying BUT, I think if you get aggro this could backfire and you get a 50:50 demand! lets face it the custody is skewed in your favour

So on this occasion let it slide but watch and wait

lets hope she has her own kids and backs off a bit, which is highly likely

I really think that pushing this now will end in dispute, and a slowly slowly approach might be better

What coloured my post OP is that when you speak of your ex's wife and her role as step-mum you are disparaging and you seem to take hearsay as some kind of tool to dismiss her with. That isn't fair of you. If your ex did this I'm sure you would have something to say about it.

Stop listening to - and acting on - gossip, it diminishes your credibility a lot.

If you have your children's interests at heart (and I'm sure you do) then do not pit your ex and his wife against what you perceive are 'your rights'. He has rights too and your children aren't pawns. They shouldn't even be aware of your feelings in this (if they are). Don't be that parent, for their sake.

Since both you and your ex are happily re-partnered, can you perhaps find some common ground where you can establish a civil relationship - the four of you - and negotiate arrangements on a fairer basis?

Jezzz have you read some of your posts ... you are coming across as very aggressive.

Bottom line if ex wants the kids over night on a Sunday then it should be allowed ... sounds like your ex has a fancy job and would be more than happy to seek legal advice if you carry on being unreasonable.

Seriously... it's mine time not his ....

I call that the new wife has kicked off, as she is known to when she wants her way.

I would interpret this that new wife has quite rightly pointed out that DC's Dad should stand up for what he wants. He clearly would like his DC on Sunday nights. It's likely that he didn't like to argue with you over it, so initially he gave in- but has had a rethink after speaking to his wife.

Should he decide to push this, it is extremely unlikely that any mediator or judge would find him unreasonable. Let the man have his DC EO Sunday evening if he'd like to.

I can see your PoV but I do think YABU.

I'm a SM and I think it's crucial that SMs and SC have good relationships. I'm no longer with my SD's Dad but she still comes to see me and calls me. Her Dad's exW didn't like me but eventually realised that her daughter has another human in her life who loves and cares about her, surely that can only be a good thing.

He asked you for more time with them and you said yes. He asked you for time for the stepmum and you said no. He's then tricked you into taking time for the stepmum anyway.

YANBU.

(My own DS has a stepmum who I like very much. This isn't about the evilness or otherwise of stepmums, but the lying arses of exes.)

Are other posters forgetting these are his DC too?

The children get more say than their DF with regard to parenting. Way to undermine him. What happened to parents are equal. You could set a dangerous precedent for the future here. Parents decide the child care and the DC should have it explained that all parties love and want what’s best for them. That’s IMO as a SM and DM.

That is really nice, NKFell, that your SD maintains contact with you independently now. :)

YADNBU

You’ve given up contact time - Sunday evenings and Monday mornings - so he can see them. If he’s not seeing them the; you get that time back.

If it’s causing rows I’d just say fuck it, were sticking to the original plan. It’s not worth falling out over.

I can see that you are irritated because he had changed his mind but he doesn't have much contact with his DC and if he went down the legal route he could well end up with more contact and with you doing more of the collecting. By digging your heels in I think you risk loosing far more than you can gain. It is possible that his new wife is more assertive than your ex as you also seem to be. The is important that the DC don't get lost in an adult power struggle.

I think a lot of posters here are missing the points that

1. The SM took the son against his will to have his hair cut, and he only gave in to keep the peace, is unhappy about it and growing it long again'
2. The DC have both expressed a preference to come home on the Sunday night if their Dad isn't there.

Neither of those things suggest that the SM has their best interests at heart to me, and after all, isn't that what it's all about?

@ivenoideawhatimdoing

How has he been sneaky?

He’s discussed this with the OP. He’s not rung up on Sunday night saying he’s not dropping them off.

The OP doesn’t like it but he’s hardly doing this behind her back.

As pp’s have said, his access is already very low. If this blows up and he goes to court it’s very likely any changes would be made his his favour.

The crux of this - it seems to me - is actually not about the extra night. Rather it’s that the OP believes this request is being driven by the SM and not her ex.

I get why that’s frustrating to the OP - but the truth is that she and thus we, don’t know if that’s true. It maybe it is what he wants but is afraid of rocking the boat and thus backs down in front of the OP. He then discusses it with his wife and his resolve to do this is renewed.

Either way, whoever is driving this request it’s not an unreasonable one.

You can’t argue Sunday bedtime is meaningless to the EX when the OP states it’s meaningful time for her to put her kids to bed.

Equally he’s not away every Monday so we are talking about the SM doing the school run maybe once a month - perhaps less, twice being the “worst”case.

It seems to me to be a dangerous thing on which to draw a line in the sand and be inflexible about.

I can see what you’re saying about them being dropped off at bedtime so it’s not giving them any extra time, but the quality of the time will be different. It’s a totally different quality to your time if you’re going somewhere else than if you’re settled in for the evening.

It seems clear that the SM doesn’t have the kids best interests at heart, so no, I wouldn’t be encouraging time spent alone with her.

OP now they’re married with any luck they’ll have a baby soon. I can guarantee you she will then lose all interest and in fact you’ll be finding the kids staying with you an awful lot more. Be ready.

As both a mum and a step mum I see it from both perspectives. Op, I understand your feelings and can't imagine how hard it is to have to share your children's time with your ex, let alone his new wife. I'd be so reluctant to give my time with my dc away. However, I do think you will all reap the rewards in years to come of compromising here and there. For me, in your situation, I might meet them half way and say s/he can drop them at school one Monday a month. Show willing and it gives a really positive message to your dc that you're all working together for their benefit. Honestly, you cannot put a price on that. She's in their lives now and seems to want to be an active part of their lives. I think that's to be welcomed.

This sounds a lot about control from all parties, including you.

And step mum must be dynamite in bed if she's such a pain the rest of the time. Only reason men put up with crazy...

I can't stand the word step-mum. As long as I'm around there's no step-mum. Mum is a word that belongs to me. That makes me petty and I don't give a fuck Different story if the birth mum/dad aren't around anymore.

If the kids are OK with it, fine. It's one school-run.

If the kids want their father to do it and he can't, and they don't want their step-mum to do it, then refuse.

You are being ridiculous and you are also coming across as being bitter, no matter how much you protest that you are not.

I think your XH has gone along with your demands in person because he couldn’t be bothered with the dramatics otherwise, and that he has then gone and organised his agreed time with his children however he wants. Because he’s their parent too.

I totally do not believe that your current H never minds the DC for you, that is such bullshit

OP now they’re married with any luck they’ll have a baby soon. I can guarantee you she will then lose all interest and in fact you’ll be finding the kids staying with you an awful lot more.

I do wish people wouldn't project their own experience onto everyone. I know lots of mums who are equally lovely step mums.

@Hazelatte26

I used to think that until I became one.

Once dsd called me mum in front of her mum (total accident after ds had shouted mum at me). I panicked. She laughed and said something about at least people will think the unruly zoo animal is mine and not hers.

It’s so much nicer for the children (and adults) when everyone is amicable

If I were your children, however well I got on with my step mum, I wouldn’t want to take all my weekend stuff to a school on a Monday & I wouldn’t want to take my uniform away for the weekend.