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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
StormTreader · 15/11/2017 14:58

Kids are very sensitive to their parents emotions and want to keep them happy at all costs. I doubt you are hiding your feelings on this perfectly from them, even if they were ok with their stepmum taking them to school, they won't want to hurt or betray you by telling you that.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 15:00

If you have a legal contact agreement, tell him to stick to it or he won't be getting the kids the next time. I think this is really cheeky - marrying someonr doesn't mean you get to stick your oar in and upset perfectly good arrangements that have suited everyone up to now. The kids don't want it, so end of.
Do you have legal agreement re access days?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:01

They are 13 and 11.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 15/11/2017 15:01

It's actually not about how much time he spends with them. It's that, having agreed one thing, he assumed something else. I think you made this situation possible by texting him to ask what he was going to do. In other words, YOU assumed there wasn't a firm agreement. If you had said nothing and assumed he would stick to your agreement, he probably would have.

sothisisnew · 15/11/2017 15:01

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes! The power of veto thing is very true: time with the children is not something one parent gets to bestow on the other parent or not based on whether they think the deserve it. If you can't agree, you'll have to get it sorted in court, it's too important.

namechange2222 · 15/11/2017 15:02

Honestly not deliberately being pedantic but does a woman become 'Step Mum' just by having married their father? I only consider someone a Step parent if they do the day to day parenting, i.e., the children live with that person in their home. So I see you new husband as Step Father but not your ex's new wife
My children would have been horrified if their father's new wife had called herself Step Mum

Ttbb · 15/11/2017 15:02

Wow, the SM sounds like a pain. But I do think you have to be a bit more generous-it really doesn't seem like she's trying to be a twat. You have to remember that she doesn't have kids so won't necessarily understand that she is undermining the two of you or that the children don't like her. If anything it may be good if she gets to know the children better, maybe it will help her calm down. Or maybe all if you need to sit down and talk this all out.

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 15:02

So if you were going on a night out your kids wouldn't stay at home with their step dad? That's just weird.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 15:04

Of course she is being a twat! Who takes someone else's child for a haircut against the wishes of their primary carer? A twat, that's who!

StaplesCorner · 15/11/2017 15:04

I think the step mum sounds like she wants to play houses. At 13 and 11 the school run isn't skipping around with rosy cheeks, gloves on strings and lunch boxes with carrot sticks.

Maplestaple · 15/11/2017 15:05

Why do an 11 and 13 year old need help getting ready for school?

GothAndTired · 15/11/2017 15:05

Mate, I'd just ask the kids. Let them choose.

StaplesCorner · 15/11/2017 15:06

... it really doesn't seem like she's trying to be a twat. - what, apart from the haircut.

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 15:06

I feel for you OP, but I cannot get my head around why an 11-13 year old would sit at the hairdressers and let them hack all his hair off !!!Confused (And then cry about it after.)

Did she chloroform him?!

DarthMaiden · 15/11/2017 15:07

Personally I think you are risking what to date has been an amicable relationship over something that I don’t think is an unreasonable request on his part.

Presumably he would have had them overnight on Sunday from the outset if he’d had the ability to get them to school on Monday, now he has.

You’re suggesting it doesn’t increase his time with them because he drops them off at 9pm - but even thought it’s not much, it is nice for him to put them to bed in the evening - you commented you like doing this yourself - if it’s time that has value to you, your being disingenuous to say the same time isn’t of value to him.

Good contact arrangements do flex and change over time, so sticking so rigidly to something now sets you up potentially for him to do the same in reverse later down the line.

I’m also concerned about your attitude to the SM. It’s a bloody difficult path to tread - being involved and caring, but equally not over stepping boundaries (that are different for everyone). It’s not surprising people get it wrong sometimes. I’d be annoyed about the hair cuts, I get that, but you can’t let every incident colour your overall view. It’s good she’s making an effort and trying to interact with the kids. Yes call her on when when boundaries are over stepped, but I don’t think offering to take them to school once a fortnight is one of them.

FlowerPot1234 · 15/11/2017 15:07

YABabitU.

It's good of you to allow more contact on that time and to have an amicable arrangement with him.

He can't have anymore time with them when their bedtime is 9pm and he drops them to me.
If this arrangement with your ex/their step mum does not involve any more time with their father at all, why do you think are the reasons the father is wanting to do this?

The lady is making your children breakfast, getting them off to school, looking after them and loving them. Appreciate that.

Hissy · 15/11/2017 15:07

it's not about being needy, it's about building relationships between everyone involved. I can't believe your H doesn't pitch in with your kids if it helps! what message is that sending your kids?

Sure it's nice for the DC dad to do his bit, but it's just as important for the kids to know that people care.

Your Ex's new wife does sound a bit pushy, and I'd have been apoplectic about the hair cut, but certainly she isn't hands off and as long as the kids are happy to stay over on sundays and have a relationship with her when their dad isn't there.

I suppose all you can do is discuss it with them both and explain your concerns. Would he reduce the amount of child maintenance if you DID give him the sunday nights as a regular arrangement?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:07

Well, we don't have an official contact agreement. We have always sorted things amicably ourselves.

I just know we had a discussion and agreed whats' what (Sunday nights where he can take them to school the next dayhe has them, and for those he can't they come home as normal) and we chatted about other stuff and it was really nice and normal and friendly and he said he 'totally understood' my wanting the kids back when he wouldn't be around. We parted with a kiss on the cheek and a cheery 'enjoy the rest of your weekend'.

That was Sunday. Now a total change of heart and he is not sticking to what we agreed. I am reeling from that really - I have asked him why the change of mind and who / what is driving this but he hasn't answered.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/11/2017 15:10

He can't have anymore time with them when their bedtime is 9pm and he drops them to me.

he drops them to you AT their bedtime?

Jessikita · 15/11/2017 15:10

Step Mother’s just cannot win no matter what they do.
I think yabu. I think you’d soon change your mind if it suited you.

Imagine this scenario.

“Ive started a new job/got a social event/ hobby or club and I’ve asked my kids Dad to have them an extra night, on a Sunday, when he has them for that weekend. Problem is, he travels a lot for work so it would mean his new wife getting them ready for school and doing the school run and she’s refused saying the kids are nothing to do with her and not her responsibility, I think she should share responsibilities with her husband when the kids are in his care”

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 15:10

And how did she get your son (who is 11 or 13) to have his hair cut against his will?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:11

nicknacky - I have every other weekend 'off' from my kids and one night a week.

I arrange my (somewhat meagre!) social life around that.

It's plenty of nights to do what something I want without the kids.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/11/2017 15:12

She has asked them and they have said they don't want to be there without their dad.

What did ExH say about the haircut? I'd have gone nuclear!

I hope he's growing it again!

BeALert · 15/11/2017 15:12

I was the child in a similar situation. My stepmum often looked after me when my dad couldn't (he was in the armed forces so often had to go away).

I'm so glad my mum didn't argue against it like you are doing.

I love all my parents, and that time with my stepmum was lovely and important and helped us have the wonderful relationship we still have today, 30 years on.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/11/2017 15:12

I'd be really keen to know why she is so keen to have them overnight on Sunday and do the monday morning school run - seems an odd thing to want to do if you don't have to!

Plus I really don't like the haircut scenario you described. :( If that was a grandmother who had done that, you'd be getting a lot more sympathy over it!

I'd stick to your guns and tell the children that you'll pick them up Sunday night as Dad has to get up early Monday morning - I see no reason why this situation should be allowed to go the way it is currently doing so.