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AIBU?

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
sunnyday1976 · 15/11/2017 14:47

YNBU. Fine if their dad is taking them to school but not their step mum. The time is to spend with their dad, if he can’t do it, they can come home and spend time with their mum before the school week starts. Be interesting to see how keen step-mum is to do school runs if/when they have a child of their own.

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 14:47

Does your new husband never look after your children on his own? Or do they go to your ex when you aren't home/busy?

So what's the difference?

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 15/11/2017 14:47

So, you have 10 nights per fortnight and he currently has 4 nights, and he wants to up it to 5 nights at this home (his wife is part of their other home whether he is there or not!). And you have an issue with that? I think YBVVVU. Like it or not, when you chose to leave him, you gave him permission to have another person in his and your kids' lives. The fact that she is so willing to be part of their routine as well as the fun stuff in their weekends should make you happy he chose well. Imagine if it was the other way.

You can, of course, think what you like, but don't let it affect your children's time in their other home. My ex's children were (and still are now they're grown up) so important to me. I dropped everything for them when they needed it because that is what was important to me in my relationship with their Dad. His ex wife hated it and did everything she could to keep me away from them. The result? Both children (now 21 and 26) don't speak to her because they felt inhibited by her. Hardly worth risking it for one extra night.

Mamabear4180 · 15/11/2017 14:47

Agree with StormTreader

QuinoaKeen · 15/11/2017 14:48

Yanbu. How annoying for you.

stitchglitched · 15/11/2017 14:48

Sometimes the Dad will be available though. On the occasions he isn't his wife will step in. Do people really think it is acceptable for the ex to micromanage his household to this extent? It sounds intrusive to me.

WhatwouldAryado · 15/11/2017 14:48

Stick with the arrangement unless it suits the children more another way. A reasonable step mum wouldn't be seeking to replace things you do but look for places unique to HER relationship with the dc. Perhaps you could suggest something you know the dc like to do with her (something relaxing if she is stressy)

HashtagTired · 15/11/2017 14:48

I think you a being a bit unreasonable. It’s not about who takes dc to school but spending time with the family Sunday evening. It’s one Monday a fortnight and she is their step mum now...

sinceyouask · 15/11/2017 14:49

I can see why he's your ex.

I'm a bit confused by pp saying you are unreasonable and stopping the dc having more time with their dad. He drops them off to me on Sundays at bedtime - 9pm anyway, so it is not as though he will get anymore time with them by keeping them - unless he can get them up and take them to school in the morning. Seeing as he won't be getting them up and to school, his new wife will, how on earth would he be getting more time with them?

Cantgetagoodusername · 15/11/2017 14:50

You should be encouraging & facilitating a relationship between your children & their step mother.

She is, potentially, going to be in their lives for a long time.

Why make things difficult? It doesn't seem worth it to me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/11/2017 14:51

If I were your Ex OP, I'd tell you that I wanted to split the time more fairly and that if this weren't agreeable to you, we'd sort it out in court.

You've behaving as if you have ultimate powers of veto; you don't. You do though have the ability to really screw up the relationships that your children have with their father and their step-mum.

Take a breath and take a step back - and think. What is in the best interests of the children? As the first poster said, this isn't about you and he is their father (and has a new wife now also in his family) as much as you are their mother.

lils888 · 15/11/2017 14:51

I have been both a step mum and had to deal with ds having a step mum. Neither are easy.

My ds ended up seeing his step mum more than his dad as he worked so much during his contact times. But he has a very demanding job and if step mum wasn’t doing this he’d never see his dad. In my head I tried to them no of her as an auntie - as if ex was living with his sister - made it easier for me to be rational. I ended up meeting her to drop ds off and often communicating with her.

Being a step mum is also hard? I pushed for me to have a good relationship with step dd and luckily the mum was ok with that. I wanted to be a part of her life, not just her dads partner

(Happened to be the same woman that was my sons step mum so she knew the importance of bonding with step kids)

ChickenlessHead · 15/11/2017 14:52

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. The time away from you is to spend time with their dad. If they’re not with their dad they should be with you. The SM has spent all weekend with them, why should she get to do something with them that their DM wants to do?

It’s tricky though because it’s obviously been a very amicable split thus far. What do dc’s think?

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 14:52

YANBU to feel pissed off and angry and upset, but if this is a nice lady who wants to care for your children too. Give her a chance, and give yourself a wee break. Let someone else share the childcare a bit.
Smile

Your kids will end up more more well-rounded and normal adults with a mother who is a bit chilled and OK with the stepmum, than one who is hating on her and refusing her access.

The 'are you jealous' and stop being nasty and petty' comments (from some) are out of order. Of COURSE the OP is going to be narked off. Most people would be, so quit the shitty judgemental spiteful shit! Hmm

Hope you will be OK @HuneyBee74. Don't worry. It was bound to happen.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/11/2017 14:53

If you're children want to come home, then go and collect them on Sunday Evening. It's not about what she wants. As they get a little older, they may decide to stay, but he has already broken his word, so do whatever you want, I would.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/11/2017 14:53
  • Your.
Pickleypickles · 15/11/2017 14:53

Sorry but i agree with PP, she is there step mum, they are married so its not like she has only been on the scene 6 months (i hope) and i think you should be encouraging a good relationship between her and the children and you and her as well, some communication between the two of you would set a good example for the children - she isnt an ogre she is his wife.

Basecamp21 · 15/11/2017 14:53

These are not your children they are both of yours and your ex has as much right to make decisions over their care as you do.

If you are extending his contact to include Sunday night's then how he arranges the school run is no business of yours.if you trust your ex and you obviously dp then butt out.

Piratesandpants · 15/11/2017 14:54

YANBU. You have expressed yourself really well and I totally agree with you. You are being very reasonable to offer HIM, their father, the extra time but your time with your kids should not be offered to stepmom. She can form a decent relationship with them during a weekend. I understand your point completely.

Pseudousername · 15/11/2017 14:54

If I were your Ex OP, I'd tell you that I wanted to split the time more fairly and that if this weren't agreeable to you, we'd sort it out in court.

Aside from everything else, this is exactly what you are risking for the sake of being amicable over a few extra hours a fortnight.

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 14:54

You may need to have a chat about her having your kids hair cut though. Shock

Why did your son cry though?

Why did he not refuse, or say no to so much being cut off?

I am confused.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:55

Nicknacky - honestly - no, he doesn't look after them if I'm not there. Other than if I am popping to the supermarket. Never has had them overnight for me, doesn't do school runs, ever.

If I can't have the kids, which is rare, admittedly, I ask the ex. Always have, always would.

My husband does have other kids of his own from his previous marriage though, so maybe that makes a difference. He isn't 'needy' around spending time with my kids on his own.

He is very respectful of my childrens' dad and his place in their lives.

OP posts:
sothisisnew · 15/11/2017 14:55

This isn't HIS contact time - it's mine. Sunday nights have always been my time

Shouldn't it actually be about the children and their right to see their dad and have a relationship with him and their family on his side?

Booboobooboo84 · 15/11/2017 14:57

How old are your dc?

ineedwine99 · 15/11/2017 14:58

If the children want to come then they should, they know their own minds

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