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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
lils888 · 15/11/2017 15:12

Who wouldn’t appreciate a day off doing the school run?!

Can I have her number? I have 3 boys that she’s more than welcome to play house with Grin

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 15:14

@HuneyBee74

How did the step mother get your son to have his hair cut against his will? He is 11 or 13. I don't see how it could have happened.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 15/11/2017 15:14

Imo dc of split dps should have 2 homes. You are creating a him +dc versus his dw. He is in a partnership and wants to share his dc with her.

Your dh is odd if he doesn't want to spend time with your dc without you there!! It's not needy to want a relationship with sc you bloody live with!!

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:15

My son is 11. She obviously didn't chloroform him, but the ex was for some weeks saying 'SM thinks DS needs a hair cut'. I would say, 'but he likes it long'. He would say 'SM thinks he's too old for long hair and shorter would be smarter' etc etc.

She worked on an 11 year old and he agreed to it under duress because he is a people pleaser and didn't want to stand up to her.

He hated it and is growing it long again! The 'SM thinks his hair needs to be short' comments are starting again.

Look. It's not the end of the world - it's hair, but she just goes on when she thinks she is right.

DS has learnt a lesson though and I don't think he will give in next time.

OP posts:
PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 15:17

Sorry to ask, but it just seemed OTT that she could have forced him. Is she that controlling?

Travis1 · 15/11/2017 15:19

I think YANBU OP, and actually think the posters telling you you are would be saying the complete opposite if it was the SM on here saying about having the kids when her husband isn't there. It would be all 'you aren't the parent' 'it's nothing to do with you' etc etc

I'd try and speak to your ex face to face before the weekend and just say you aren't comfortable with the situation now and just wish them to be returned every sunday night, especially with the coercion of your son that's not on at all.

bridgetjones1 · 15/11/2017 15:19

Sigh.......

What's the point in putting this question in the AIBU section if you're not willing to accept that maybe you are being a tad unreasonable?

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2017 15:21

Because maybe not everyone thinks she is?

Oddmanout · 15/11/2017 15:21

What 13 year old goes to bed at 9pm? Or lets someone cut their hair against his will? (Or cries about it for that matter).

I think YABU and taking a big risk since you have no official agreement. Its a few hours and as a PP said you get every other weekday morning.

SatansLittleHelper2 · 15/11/2017 15:21

His access is already ridiculously low........what's the issue in him getting to put them to bed one extra night a week and have them wake up at their home ??

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 15:21

Ok op, I appreciate you possibly have an answer but let's pretend for a second you were invited to something that the date was not of your choosing i.e a hen night and it fell on your night to have the kids.

You would send them to their dads rather than stay at home with your H?

Jenny17 · 15/11/2017 15:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable. SM is not their mum and the children are not so young they can't make up their minds. I would be pissed if I had to give up time with dc to give to SM.

ElephantsandTigers · 15/11/2017 15:23

This is about your ex not being team parenting with you more than anything.

Could you give your son tools to use so that he isn't bullied into anything else again?

lils888 · 15/11/2017 15:24

It would be all 'you aren't the parent' 'it's nothing to do with you' etc etc

I think this sort of attitude is less common these days as there are so many separated parents that people tend to encourage good step parent relationships.

The idea of the evil step mum is slowly starting to go. The idea of the heroic step father is also fading.

I see more ‘grow up and sort it out like adults’ attitudes than I do parent vs step parent’.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:24

Is she that controlling? - um, yes I think she is!

We are unusual I think in that we have a number of mutual friends in common, who see ex and new wife socially, and separately myself and my DH. They do express that ex is 'under the thumb' that SM wears the trousers etc etc.

They have also said that it is worse / more obvious since they got married. In fairness they also say she has lots of nice qualities too.

But everyone says she controls him.

OP posts:
Kitsharrington · 15/11/2017 15:25

Surely it's far better for everyone if the arrangement is the same week in, week out. If their father is there to do the school run, fine. If not, his wife can do it. It sounds annoying for it to be up in the air dependent on his work schedule. And by 9pm surely the kids should be winding down and getting ready for the week, not being shipped home in the cold and dark. They are a family now, whether you like it or not. It might hurt for you to see them being cared for by someone else but it is in everyone's best interests if they are able to bond with her and be close to her.

CompletelyUnknown · 15/11/2017 15:26

As a SM who has worked hard on having a good relationship with SS I am fully aware this wouldn’t have been possible without the support of my DH and is exW. I make the effort to meet up with her and have coffee and chat every so often. She suggested things in the early days to help us bond. She trust my DH which means I’m turn she trust me. There are times when it is just me caring for him and dropping him off at school/clubs/hers and she is thankful he has an extra person to love and support him. I also take SS for haircuts and she appreciates me taking MY time out to do that. I think you need to try and be the bigger person and figure out a way to make this work.

I really think the fact that I can speak with the exW helps our dynamic. It got a little awkward when my DD and now I’m SM and mum now but she has embraced this with grace and love.

Could you meet her and discuss ways that you would be comfortable in introducing her as a step PARENT? As she will be parenting your children. I most definitely parent and I make sure my SS knows that it boils down to his mum and Dad but I’m next in line and that’s supported.

Good luck.

CompletelyUnknown · 15/11/2017 15:27

Oh and we’re a flexible 50/50 in child care. We accept that things change and always make decisions based on whether DSS would benefit from the time with us/her.

Bumshkawahwah · 15/11/2017 15:27

I think YANBU. It's not for the your SM to interfere with you and your ex's arrangements for your children. That would really get my back up, and as for the situation with the hair, I would've been fuming.

I don't get the people who are acting as though you should be grateful that the stepmother will take your children to school on Monday. That was not what you arranged with your ex and it's not her place to decide that the kids should stay so that she can take them to school. She does not have an equal say in this. Yes, it's great if your kids can get on with their stepmum but she has plenty of other opportunities to forge a good relationship with them.

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 15:27

Sorry OP, I know you're pissed off, but I find all that hard to believe about the SM. She 'controls' him? Really?

I think your mates are saying what you want to hear.

Men don't generally let themselves be controlled by a woman.

WitchesHatRim · 15/11/2017 15:31

I think YANBU OP, and actually think the posters telling you you are would be saying the complete opposite if it was the SM on here saying about having the kids when her husband isn't there. It would be all 'you aren't the parent' 'it's nothing to do with you' etc etc

Well unless the OP has never left her DC with her DH then that stance is a bit hypocritical really.

He is asking for one more night ever 2 weeks.

YABU

Cantgetagoodusername · 15/11/2017 15:33

his access is already ridiculously low

This ^

Do you honestly think it's enough? I know it's the normal access but I don't think it's enough for dads. He wants an extra 2 nights a month, sometimes he'll be there in the morning, sometimes not. I honestly can't see the issue. You run the risk of him taking you to court for a formal agreement for which you would then have no 'say'.

Children do pick up on emotions & feelings & quite rightly they won't want to upset you. This is why you need to be encouraging of the relationship.

My DD has a step mum. All I honestly care about that she treats her nicely when in their care.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 15:33

PeiPeiPing - on Sunday we agreed arrangements.

It was very friendly and he said he 'totally understood' that I would want the kids home on a Sunday as usual if he was off that night or early the next morning. Kiss on the cheek and a cheery goodbye.

He goes home to wife.

2 days later he reneges on agreement with no explanation.

I call that the new wife has kicked off, as she is known to when she wants her way.

OP posts:
freshstart24 · 15/11/2017 15:34

Sunday evenings may have been 'your' time with DP up until now. However, unless a judge awarded them to you, you have to accept that things can and should change over time.

As a child of divorced parents I spent every Sunday with my Dad, and much preferred the Sundays when I spent the night at his house as it felt more settled not to be going home to mum in the evening.

My own son spends EOW with his Dad, and his partner walks DS to school on Monday mornings. Of course I wish I was doing it instead but it's not about me- it's about DS having the nicest time possible at his dad's.

Please remember that in most cases DC from split parents have 2 parents who love them wholeheartedly, and neither of them has any automatic right to dictate access or have the majority of access.

CompletelyUnknown · 15/11/2017 15:36

Sometimes my DH agrees stuff with exW comes home and during the drive home realised he’s not happy with it. He bounces idea off of me then phones her. The difference is she’s happy and approachable with any changes.

Stop blaming the SM. She is willing to look after and love your children. Embrace it. Turn it to your benefit. There is so much potential to have a happy family don’t cause issues where there really aren’t any. Your children will not be damaged by this woman driving them to school.