New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

RobinR I don't think that sticking to the original plan is a fair argument. Plans should be subject to reasonable change as required. Insisting on sticking rigidly to them is inflexible and unreasonable.

OP I totally agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe regarding your comments about the SM.

This may well come down to how hard your EX is prepared to fight for this. I'm quite sure though, that if he decides to fight, he will win this one. It sounds like it would be a real shame for it to get that far though- an amicable co-parenting relationship is a very special thing so please do consider his request.

To the posters feeling sorry for him in saying that his time is already very limited - he is very ambitious, money driven and has gone for, and taken a number of promotions in recent years that mean longer hours and a LOT more travel. His choice.

He couldn't really have the kids anymore than he does other than if he had them every single weekend (when he IS usually around) and I never got to do the 'fun stuff' with them which I'm not prepared to do.

I highly doubt he would go to Court as he would be arguing for more time for SM and not himself - it would be very easy to show he is out of the country most weeks and unable to care for this kids.

I have given up my career to raise our children and allow him to take jobs where he can pretty much travel whenever and wherever he wants. I work PT around my kids so they have stability and one parent who is always there for them.

I do consider myself lucky in that I get that amount of time with them, but ex has chosen to go down the career path that he has. His choice.

I think YANBU OP, and actually think the posters telling you you are would be saying the complete opposite if it was the SM on here saying about having the kids when her husband isn't there. It would be all 'you aren't the parent' 'it's nothing to do with you' etc etc

There was a thread exactly to this effect a few months ago. I was of exactly the same opinion. I think it's great if a step-mum wants to spend time with their step children separate from the father

Your children have 2 sets of parents now so you should try to facilitate reasonable access for your kids sake

No they have 2 parents, same as they always did.

OP does not have to facilitate access for the childrens stepmother, especially given the fact that the children do not want it.

Yes to this: It’s a totally different quality to your time if you’re going somewhere else than if you’re settled in for the evening.

I felt exactly like this as a child, staying with my Dad.

OP of course you want this time with your DC, but honestly it's a reasonable request from their father. Of course it grates that he's listened to his new wife, but again that is a reasonable thing to do. I have done the same for my DC- they spend EOW with Dad and his partner takes them to school on a Monday. I use this time to get on-top of things at home so that once they are home I have 'cleared the decks' to spend time with them.

I've read your further posts OP and was shocked about the haircut scenario that is not ok at all. I've also read that the children are not keen on staying over on Sunday evenings.

I still maintain that if the step mum has good intentions then it is not worth falling out over 24 hours per month but now I know your DC's are 11 and 13 they are old enough to have a considered opinion on this matter, particularly the 13 year old. Any decision should be based around their wishes, in reality the 13 year old may well decide their own contact arrangements in a couple of years anyway and trying to force a teenager to do something never ends well.

Would they consider giving it a go and if it they don't enjoy it then they don't have to repeat it?

Yanbu.

It doesn't sound a ridiculously low level of contact at all. It sounds about as high as it can be with the dc still feeling they have a main "home" with that stability attached.

This is about money isn't it? Someone has twigged that if they just keep them overnight maintenance goes down.

Be very careful in asking DC to choose between these two options, and be prepared for them to say something very different to you and to their Dad. It is very tricky to be put in this position as a child.

I'm not saying their feelings shouldn't be taken into account- of course they are what is most important here. However you all need to tread carefully.

OP I can’t help feeling (especially from your last post) that you think your EX doesn’t deserve this extra time with his kids. Perhaps that’s overly strong, but certainly that he’s less entitled to time with them given his career choices.

I’m wondering where that leaves many, many other parents with demanding jobs that involve significant travel (including myself ).

I’m let wondering why you’ve posted as it seems you are unwilling to consider that this request might be reasonable.

I’m not sure what you expected to get from this thread tbh unless it was the expectation that everyone would just reinforce your point of view.

YaNBU! It sounds like a demand is being made for sake of rather than a fairness . I would say yes to Sunday nights ( if it gives dad more mileage) but straight round Monday morning to take MY precious lil beings to school.
I've seen this behavior in action before, and whilst most of us are blessed with a nice SM we can communicate with, this doesn't sound like one of them.

My own feeling as a step-parent - whose stepchildren are now adult - is that once normal healthy children are of secondary school age they tend to start voting with their feet anyway

Rigidly structured arrangements about contact are appropriate for small children who cannot be left unsupervised and who are less able to decide for themselves.

In the secondary school period it is much more about their friends and their social life. They can be in any house - their mum's or their dad's - on their own for a while. They should also start being able to look after keys, get themselves to school and back, warm up simple meals.

Adolescence is also a time of fluctuation. Sometimes they'll be closer to one parent, sometimes to another. It's a time when they stop being their mother's (or father's) possessions, and start being their own people.

It is helpful to let go - hard though it is - and think hard about what is in your children's best interests over the coming years.

I think you have made great points in why your way works. I'm a step mum and I've barely done things alone with my step son because I feel when his dad isn't around he should be with his mum.
He isn't getting extra time with them as they'll be asleep and if they would rather be at home with you then they should be.
I would politely tell him that you are upset he agreed with you and without giving it a few weeks to see how it goes he has instantly changed the plan. Then tell him the kids aren't to sure about changing the routine so you would like to wait a few weeks to see if they feel more confident about trying it. So you will have them back Sunday night as usual.

darth maidan - not at all!

If he can take the kids to school on a Monday I am happy for them to stay. They can stay every Sunday night he has them. Maintenance would probably come down, ( as someone has pointed out) but I am cool with that if they are having time with their parent.

That's all fine.

What's not OK to me is to agree one thing and him to completely renege on it immediately.

I strongly suspect that SM will be doing most of the school runs on Monday, and kids will get no more time with dad - he will keep booking trips abroad as he has always done. What is the point in that?

YANBU. They aren’t her kids. It’s nothing to do with her. I speak as a step mum myself. People don’t like it but the fact is her wishes are the least important here.

If the children were clamouring for it I’d think differently but as it is, the only person who benefits is her.

I agree with darthmaiden. Ask yourself very honestly what is your priority OP?

My DC adore their Dad. He works long hours, does not pay adequate maintenance, expects me to be flexible when it comes to contact. I would honestly say that on paper I deserve to spend more time with them than him. But it doesn't work like that for me- my priority is their well being and that includes facilitating their relationship with their Dad.

Some fathers leave mothers for new women, and act outrageously but like it or not they still deserve to be good parents to their DC. Many many DC love both parents unconditionally even when one parent maybe 'deserves' it less.

Ideally co-parenting is not always about what is 'fair' or who 'deserves' their kids more. It's not a competition.

If your priority is simply to 'have more of your kids time' rather than facilitate a good co-parenting set-up then go ahead.

THEY want to be dropped home when Dad isn't there in the mornings. They don't want step mum doing the school run as she is 'stressy'

Then TBH, you can just say NO to the sunday nights during term time Perhaps during summer holidays when there is no school run?

I think his request is reasonable, I think the point of them spending Monday mornings with step mum is irrelevant, she is now a part of your children lives wether you like it or not and why isn't it ok for her to spend time getting to know them. You should feel pleased that she's happy to do that as a lot of step parents are not as hands on and keen.

I'm close to my step children, they are now adults and I am no longer with their dad. We spent time doing things without dh sometimes, I helped dh look after them, brushed the little girls hair, bathed her etc...(she was 3 when we got together, her brothers a bit older). I am friends with their mother, it was hard at first but getting along with their mother made things so much easier.

You have them most of the week, apart from one evening, and you have them every other weekend, why shouldn't he want to see them more?

I've only read the OPs replies so apologies if this has already been asked, but what do the children think about it? At 11 and 13 they should have a fairly significant say on where they spend their time, and who they spend it with.

So if your ex will not be spending any more time with them past 9pm on Sundays, why do you think he is asking for them to stay?

I can't understand why people think that there should be an issue with SM taking them to school? They are older kids, they will get themselves ready and she will drive / walk them- no big deal.

She is married to their father, lets hope that when it comes to parenting the DC they are acting like some sort of a team. It's better for the DC this way. If course their Dad is absolutely the main parent, but nevertheless it is right and healthy that she is involved.

They would like to stay with dad when he can take them to school the next day.

When dad can't they would prefer to come home. They would rather it was me doing it than SM getting them up and to school as she is 'stressy' in their words.

Lol this place makes me laugh. Normally, if a step parent comes on saying anything about their partner and their children, they are told those children and issues between the partner and other parent are nothing to do with them, and here we have everyone on the side of the SM

Flowerpot1234 because his wife wants them. I am certain that it is her that is pushing this.

Whether that's because she is desperate to parent them and be important or whether that is because she wants to reduce maintenance I don't know.

Maybe a bit of both.

I think it’s nice that SM wants to spend time with the children.

Have you asked the children what arrangement they prefer ( baring in mind you say yourself that your child is a people pleaser) so he may well be saying he wants to be with both of you on Sunday evenings..

I feel you’re over reacting to stepmum, her wanting to do some parenting for your children is not really “pushy”

It sounds like you've already made up your mind OP and you don't want this arrangement to happen.

Why not give it a try, let the SM take them to school on Monday a couple of times and see how it goes. As a lot of posters have pointed out, it could be good for them - it'd be good for them to have another adult looking out for them. If the kids really hate it after having given it a go, then you'd be more reasonable to put a stop to it.

When you say what's the point in them staying if their dad isn't going to take them to school... they can use that time to build a relationship with their SM. So you're essentially saying what's the point in your kids having a good relationship with their SM. I think you know that it'd be good for them! Or would you'd rather they didn't get on?