To think some people really don’t understand what an introvert is

[Glassfrog]

I was travelling with some colleagues recently and we were talking about socialising outside of work. I remarked that I’m quite introverted, that I prefer to spend time with people one-on-one, and although I enjoy it to a point, I find it tiring and need a lot of time to myself as well. I added that I don’t really enjoy socialising in large groups at all.

One of my colleagues replied that it was fine to only have one or two friends (meaning me). I’ve actually got quite a lot of very close friends! They’re just not friends with each other and I spend time with them individually.

I took it from her comment that she assumes that introverts are loners with no or few friends - is that a very commonly-held view?

Team Aquitania.

magpiemischief I was talking about grown ups. Grown ups do want to be seen as clever, bookish individuals who are unique and "think outside of the box" and they are proud of it.

Leave children out of this because:

1. They are still developing their personalities and can become more introverted as they age
2. They don't particularly want to be seen as bookish loners because it is not cool at their age.

Sorry, I could not get past the ‘you guys’ in Aquitinia’s post....

I guess i am a wanker that doesnt understand how desperately she needs to be alone... because i dont understand how someone who arranges parties and is the star of the show, is introverted.

I feel thick/ confused.

As soyalatte observes:

“Most posters seem to be arguing the same point. Those who find the loquacious (on the topic) 'introverts' tiresome, are bemoaning the trend, but it's the trend that appears to have created the lack of understanding the OP is talking about.”

It may have become an internet meme, but that doesn’t immediately exclude it as a sound psychological concept. Today’s world has been very much geared towards aspirational extravert traits, particularly the business and media worlds.

There’s been a small surge away from that one size fits all approach, and there’s now room for a (gasp!) range of attitudes and behaviours around socialising, none worse than each other. And that’s a good thing for everyone, surely? Moving away from the dominance of one singular way of interacting with the social sphere, and putting behind us the stereotyping of both ends of this continuum...

And yet many people respond as if the extravert territory has been usurped and that if intraversion can be described positively it can’t actually be ‘a thing’ at all. Or if intraversion can be considered to have positive traits it therefore is actually extraversion.

Hopefully this whole intraversion = meme thing will pass and people can just get on with being who they are and celebrating that versus this weird angry sniping which feels so, errr, odd in the strength of its (misplaced) anger.

Sorry yes it was for you, no idea how to tag on here.

I don't understand introverted to mean you shy away from people entirely. I like to bring people together, and I actually prefer to create gatherings as I then have some degree of control over how the time with lots of people will play out. It's a bit like when I go to networking events (groan...) I make a point to attend 30 mins early so I can be one f the first there and therefore strike up conversation with someone turning up after me, rather than arriving when groups are already formed and I have to really draw attention to myself.

I hate all this labelling thing. I couldn't care less if you perceive yourself as introverted, extroverted, socially inept or whatever. WHO CARES. Nothing worse than saying to someone "fancy a night out for pizza with the school mums" and rather than a simple "No, I'm busy" you get a lecture about how she's an introvert, struggles in crowds, doesn't like noise, it makes her anxious, she's shy, finds conversation awkward etc etc etc.

Guilty, I’m an adult and like to think my personality is still developing. This won’t stop until I die. My D.C. is most unconcerned regarding ‘coolness’. They just recognise others are more concerned and will comment, negatively. I am the same, to an extent. This is not exclusive to children.

I think in light of the tone of the op I can understand the negative response.

It feels a bit like the whole "educate yourself" attitude that abounds on the internet that I never hear in real life.

When I was in primary 2 or 3 we were reading a book about people who colonised the moon (under large domes and had stripey trees I seem to remember). One character was described as a 'loner', obvious not in a good/positive way.

'So he likes to be alone?' Thinks my 4 year old self. 'What's wrong with that?'

Basically, your OP boils down to 'A woman at work misunderstood something I said' which you have then extrapolated to 'extroverts don't understand introverts' whereas the truth is more likely to be 'a woman misunderstood what I said'.

I think it's exactly this kind of thing that makes some self-confessed introverts seem a little over-invested in how much their introversion defines them and how difficult it is to be an introvert in a world which they believe is somehow harder for them than it is for everyone else.

” No, I'm busy" you get a lecture about how she's an introvert, struggles in crowds, doesn't like noise, it makes her anxious, she's shy, finds conversation awkward etc etc etc.

I’ve only once, rather embarrassingly, had to explain why I didn’t want to go out on a ‘girls night out’ with a neighbour, I’d only just met. She was really pushy. I just didn’t want to be pushed. It was excruciatingly embarrassing. I’m happy being in of an evening with my family. Also I suspect she just wanted to sell me Forever Living Products.

I didn’t say I was an introvert just reclusive. She ‘joked’ rather unhilariously about my ‘autistic tendencies’. I have no such diagnosis...nor had mentioned autism in any other context.

There are degrees of introversion. Those at the extreme end have few or no friends and mostly shun the human race. Very extrovert people have lots of friends, socialise a great deal and maybe are rarely at home - perhaps they don't enjoy their own company.

Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

I remember my friends dh put a picture quote on fb that said something along the lines of 'if you have just 5 friends you are highly likely to be more intelligent than somone with 50 #introvert'

I made the comment 'if it is on the internet it must be true ' and he deleted and blocked me

The trouble with personality ‘types’ and identifying as a ‘type’ (whether Myers Briggs, Lumina, or whatever) is that there will be some people who will identify themselves as a fairly crude and simplistic ‘type’ (rather than as an individual with a complex mix of personality traits) - and then use the fact that they are that ‘type’ as an excuse or justification for certain behaviours.

If those tests and types are to be used (and let’s not, they’re pretty meaningless), surely they should be at least in part for self reflection on how words and behaviours intended to be received in one way can be received very differently by people with different personality traits, rather than to entrench those behaviours.

That goes for everyone, not just those who feel they are introverts. For an ‘extrovert’, it would be useful to reflect on how what they see as open and friendly may be seen as overbearing and intrusive by someone else, and moderate those behaviours accordingly.

The converse also applies.

Suggestions of parity with disability as seen on this thread are really fairly awful.

Sorry but there's no real evidence that myers-briggs personality types have any more basis in reality than a star sign. They're based on Jungian psychology which is largely unscientific and discredited.

The whole introvert-extrovert dichotomy is pseudoscience at best.

In my opinion, there's no such thing as an introvert, just a range and scale of personality types. A lot of people seem to use introversion as an excuse for being a little bit rude, or get a bit sneery about extroverts. However a lot of people who apparently appear extroverted can find social situations difficult too, they just persevere because they want to be a fully functioning member of society.

Obviously real social anxiety is different, but I think people who refuse to do things because of introversion (particularly things important to their family, partner or friends) are pretty tiresome!

I have a friend who often posts aboit being introverted and the varuous memes and inspirational quotes she had found about it... fair enough

But then she will do sonething to massively draw attention to herself...

Because being an introvert and being shy is different. She could be an outgoing introvert.
She could spend hours by herself, happily, preparing her suits and planning the parties. Then enjoy them.
If she was an extrovert she'd enrol lots of people in the planning stage and would be part of an outfit making group.

Extroverts tend to work best with other people at the same time. Introverts tend to work alone, then present their work, even if to be discussed as a team.
Labels or no labels, it helps that different people prefer to work in different ways.

I think be careful over generalising other people and yourself.

Otherwise it becomes a bit
Introvert = intelligent, reflective, observant, boring, shy, repressed, depressed, creative.
Extrovert = happy, bubbly, alpha, stupid, loud, unreflective, manic, annoying, needy, bland.

Above are just some of the stereotypes I think we probably all have. We are a mixture. As long as we don’t use our traits to be horrible or selfish to others, our own nature is fine.

What morningconstitutional said. And to quote my 6yo "does it really matter?"

But, since I'm here, many 'true' introverts I know have learned how to mask their introversion because workplaces inherently require typically 'extrovert' qualities (I.e. getting your energy from external rather than internal factors), such as being able to participate in large meetings or give presentations to a room full of people. I've often been mistaken for a 'true' extrovert for this reason, but it's been a long and painful process with many a sleepless night! In reality this is all most people do - try to adapt to the requirements of a given situation.

Lweji that makes sense. Still not 100% sold on the facebook post/memes quotes etc as that does a bit much but you are right about the rest.

Still not 100% sold on the facebook post/memes quotes

I hate that sort of thing too. :)
But I think it goes beyond personality type.

However a lot of people who apparently appear extroverted can find social situations difficult too, they just persevere because they want to be a fully functioning member of society.

A person can be a ‘fully functioning member of society’ without attending lots of social functions. A considerable portion of valuable work can also be pretty solitary.

Graceadlerdesigns maybe you were friend #6, you were pulling down his IQ

Hate all this labelling. In reality people vary a lot, and it is personality. No that does not make you special. DP's ex seems to have very little need to be around people and will happily spend a lot of time alone, only to check in occasionally with others. I have never met anyone who likes being alone so much. She is also very funny and can be great fun at parties. Just her personality.

I love being around people and also need some time alone. Just my personality.

Neither is unique or special.