To not want to clean up after step children?

[EmmaLou3422]

Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of tidying up after them, putting toys away, finding my extension leads and charger his son as borrowed and not put back, I know children are messy, but AIBU to be angry to be left with half eaten chocolate bars chucked about the house, wrappers put next to the bin instead of in it, Even found some hidden behind the microwave which is right next to the bin because they couldn’t be bothered to put it in the bin and being on my hands and knees trying to scrub the awful piss smell off the bathroom floor because his 13 year old son is incapable of aiming in the toilet? He gets up early every morning on weekends, before me. He could have a quick whip round. I don’t mind being left with the washing up or vacuuming, polishing that kind of stuff. But he went out and left me with everything this morning. It literally looked like squatters had been in. It was vile. When I walked in the kitchen I almost cried. We both work full time and I work longer hours than him, it’s not like I’m a stay at home Mum, I don’t even have kids yet (currently pregnant).

You could have been me 4 years ago in terms of your distress. The mess still remains to a certain extent.
Buy a bright pinpong ball for the toilet for the young boy to target on. Make clear instructions e.g. move that, pop that in the bin when you are finished with it. Remove all emotion and take out the 'step' word. The step issue is not helpful when really it's a children and DP issue.

They may do all these things in their other house so unless they have clear warm expectations told to them, they will not know.
The things going missing, charger cables etc is a children issue. Do they have their own charger cables at your house? Are they struggling to remember things to bring to yours? Do they need a copy of everything they need at yours?

I hate the 'step' word, it reduces everyone too stereotypes. They are young, it's a new house, a new baby is on the way-theirs heads must be all over the place.

Wiser people than me have commented on your DPs behaviour, however I would focus his attentions on getting everything right for the new baby coming. That includes supporting you, supporting the children and getting everyone into a reasonable routine before the baby comes.

Tell him next time his kids come over you're staying in a hotel for the weekend on his card and want the house clean when you get back or you'll keep staying in the hotel until it is.

If he refuses tell him you're moving out until he can commit to treating you better and he can see his new baby occasionally just like his other two!

Paleninteresting you are so right. The poor lad is just a thirteen year old child with a split family. He’s got to adapt to two household rules and cope with a somewhat resentful stepmother.
You and your husband need to,discuss norms and rules. You need to agree who does what. Most of all you need to stop blaming the child.
If you would clear up after your own child, you should do so after your stepchild. There should be no difference.

So - he's been out all day (helping his DF?) while you've been with his kids during his contact time?

And he is expecting you to clean up without complaint behind them - while he's not even there?

And then he is expecting a 50s housewife and clean home and dinner on the table when he comes home - because your job will then be 'looking after his every whim' rather than 'looking after the baby you have just grown, birthed and are feeding'?

Fuck that. I'm surprised anyone is surprised that his first wife left.

It would def be easier on your own.

just a thirteen year old child with a split family. He’s got to adapt to two household rules - peeing in the loo rather than round it is a rule for every toilet, wherever it is.

I have 3 boys and have never had a problem with pee anywhere other than inside the bowl. Never.

they sound like little shits, Why dont you have a word with the mother, especially about the pittle

I think I would leave because of his attitude towards maternity leave alone. The expectation that he will have an easier life even if you are up half the night with a baby would seriously fuck me off. Considering already has children, he should know better and the fact he doesn't makes me think there was more to the break up of his first marriage than you realise.

Maybe he had the same attitude to his ex wife during her maternity leave and that is why she didn't like spending time with him. Can't blame her tbh, he sounds awful.

Now you are pg, in his eyes you’re trapped.

This will get much, much worse. He has a vile temper and you know he’s capable of being tidy, but he doesn’t WANT TO BE now. It’s being used to goad you, then when you justifiably react he abuses you for an hour or so.

This will only ever get worse

Please get this man gone ASAP and go it alone, it will be the making of you.

I am horribly afraid that Hissy is right. He thinks that you are now dependent on him and can't just walk out whenever because your unborn baby is now his "hostage".

He is only now showing his true colours.

When people show you who they are -believe them!

Hissy now your pg, in his eyes your trapped

^ Exactly this!

You said yourself, your partners behaviour has changed since you fell pregnant.
Before, to please you (your taking ok 2 kids) he of course would clean up after them. Wouldn't expect you to tidy up after them then but definitely would now your tied to him. He wouldn't even think you'd consider moving into a flat and do it on your own, that's why he's behaving like this.

He's behaviour will get worse for sure, during maternity and statutory pay, you'll be finally dependant on him, stressed, low self esteem due to body changes. He'll treat you like shit.

I'd leave now unless things improve straight away.

You need to go zero tolerance on your dh to get through this (if possible ) before baby is born. The problem is not the sc. every single time he says something about dinner on the table when you are on mat leave , say 'oh I didn't realise you didn't expect that now! So liberating, I've been quite tired!' And NO dinner that night or the next night, whichever is next. When he next picks something up, congraTULAtions! Cleaning something in your house! And repeat. And pair this with a serious discussion that 1. You are worried about his comments and attitude, he needs to be very clear that you are not the slave. You are not stuck with him because you have a baby. You expect a caring committed partner and won't settle for less. And 2. You may not be able to keep the house tidy and dinner cooked every night with a newborn, he may need to do his share. It depends on the type of baby you get whether that's achievable actually. And you don't want to hear him say that be more time.

I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who didn't contribute. I'd sit there thinking I've earns this sit down. You haven't. You should piss off and do something that contributes to this relationship practically.

I think I would leave because of his attitude towards maternity leave alone. The expectation that he will have an easier life even if you are up half the night with a baby would seriously fuck me off. Considering already has children, he should know better and the fact he doesn't makes me think there was more to the break up of his first marriage than you realise. Roomster - spot on!

I’m no soothsayer, this is basic predictable abuser stuff. THEY ALL DO THIS!

Some ramp up when engaged, or married, or moved in. Others when pg, or if they’ve managed to move you away from your friends and family.

Been there, done this.. and have the tshirt.

That doesn’t sound good at all, OP, him expecting to come home to dinner on the table and a clean house when you’re on maternity leave. You’ll have a newborn fgs!!

I’ve mostly managed to get dinner on the table for DH but I’ve been a SAHM and, importantly, he doesn’t act entitled like that.

I think you need to seriously consider whether you want to be in this relationship.

Imagine how cosy it would be having a little flat, just you and your baby. Your XDP can visit and spend a couple of hours taking the baby out for a walk while you have a lovely bath and a nap.

You'd only have to make food for yourself and can clear up as you go along, keeping it all nice and simple, rather than having to make this tosser a meal when he gets home and clear up his DCs' rubbish.

He can spend his evenings and weekends being the unpaid slave to his DCs and you can spend it with your baby, your family and friends and then also get a break when the baby is with their dad - more than most mums in shitty relationships ever get!

Your maternity leave is for spending with your baby, not your hoover and the fact that he's trying to see how it benefits him, rather than how he can help you speaks volumes.

I split with my DCs' dad when they were older, so didn't get to experience babyhood as a single mum, but my XH was useless, never got up in the night, did very little and expected like yours, that I was now at his beck and call for wifework, housework and general shitwork. Wish I'd left him then as I would have got a break occasionally!

Living without him won't be harder than this EmmaLou.

I think you may have found out why it didn't work with another woman!

telling me well done for cleaning my own house up

But last few months have gotten worse, since I’ve been pregnant really.

but he used to always get up in the morning and It would be spotless by the time I even woke up. But that’s all gone down the pan lately and he makes me feel lazy for having a moan about it.

Oh dear.

he left his first wife because she preferred going out on the piss than spending time with him.

Hmmmm, that's his story

He also keeps bringing up my maternity leave as well and says he can’t wait to come home to a clean house every day and dinner waiting for him on the table

Oh dear, dear, dear

If you would clear up after your own child, you should do so after your stepchild. There should be no difference

I would not be cleaning up after my 13 year old child! Hes not a baby, he can clean up after himself!

If you would clear up after your own child, you should do so after your stepchild. There should be no difference

I would not be cleaning up after my 13 year old child! Hes not a baby, he can clean up after himself!

We don't mind doing the odd bits of tidying up after the kids but I would be disgusted if they left any room the way the OP had said and consequences for a complete lack of respect would be installed immediately.
Once my kids got over being very young , probably after 6 or 7, (I'll ask DP for a reminder) we never walked into puddles of piss. I would have been furious if there was a less than genuine reason ( illness or something)

I'm afraid you don't have to be psychic to see how things are going to pan out with you DP, it's so predictable. ( Sincerity hope all the MNers are wrong though for your sake)

But last few months have gotten worse, since I’ve been pregnant really. Been together 5 years.

And there it is. Not domestic abuse you say? You’re doubting yourself, hence coming here to what we find astonishing.

He has a vile temper and makes you feel like shit?

You know what he is OP.

No, the real test will be when you ask him what the fuck his text response was. Making one child clean up once doesn’t undo that sort of response. Nor does it explain all the other stuff you’ve written about comments made.

Why are you cooking for him every night when you work full time as well?

He needs to be brought down to earth pronto.

Yes, people are right. in my own marriage and in my parents it was nothing like this at all. My father even did all the night bottle feeds (he said he was more used to being up at night for work than our mother but it was really just because he wanted to give her a break - and he was working full time by the way). These men who don't support women and don't share things fairly are not like all men by any means and it's best not to tolerate it otherwise you're stuck with that unfairness for life. On the other hand if he's just tidier than you are then you both need to agree how that will be managed - get he can have his tidy areas or rooms or he tidies up or he pays for a cleaner or whatever compromise you both come up with which does not involve your clearing up after his son.

My SS (I won’t call him a DSS) literally wiped poo up the bathroom wall and the mud off his football boots on the stairs on purpose. They also stole money and bullied my son. Needless to say I don’t have any step children now thank goodness