To not want to clean up after step children?

[EmmaLou3422]

Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of tidying up after them, putting toys away, finding my extension leads and charger his son as borrowed and not put back, I know children are messy, but AIBU to be angry to be left with half eaten chocolate bars chucked about the house, wrappers put next to the bin instead of in it, Even found some hidden behind the microwave which is right next to the bin because they couldn’t be bothered to put it in the bin and being on my hands and knees trying to scrub the awful piss smell off the bathroom floor because his 13 year old son is incapable of aiming in the toilet? He gets up early every morning on weekends, before me. He could have a quick whip round. I don’t mind being left with the washing up or vacuuming, polishing that kind of stuff. But he went out and left me with everything this morning. It literally looked like squatters had been in. It was vile. When I walked in the kitchen I almost cried. We both work full time and I work longer hours than him, it’s not like I’m a stay at home Mum, I don’t even have kids yet (currently pregnant).

Abuse starts somewhere. It's not unknown to start in pregnancy.

I just came to say this ^ too. You're finding out who he really is - sadly common during pregnancy. Sorry if I missed it - are you married and what's the accommodation situation?

Teenagers are lazy shitbags really. Leave plates, mugs, cans and wrappers lying around, wet towels and clothes on floors. It is infuriating but normal. A moan every now and again has a short lived impact but as someone said upthread you need to choose your battles.

Without seeing the scale of it is hard to judge whether its worth getting in a massive stew about - both you and your DP should be able to tell them off for it and ask them to clear up after themselves and before they go back to their mums. Rather than making it into a post departure war of words between the two of you. Or one answer might be just to pile their rubbish on their beds so they cant go to sleep without clearing it all up.

I think LTB is a bit extreme in these circumstances but agree that you need to nip his attitude in the bud before the baby arrives. He should be helping you more not less now you're pregnant.

@bastardkitty not married and we bought a house together earlier this year.

Also, (for everyone else) he left his first wife because she preferred going out on the piss than spending time with him.

Dont leave because of anything to do with the dc. He will turn that around and take none of the responsibility himself.
Kids make a mess. Everyday on mumsnet there are people complaining about kids mess..myself included.
Also as parents we will do anything in the middle of the night to quieten dc down. All that is regular enough.
But l dont like the sound of the temper bit and the hour of abuse.
Keep it seperate from kids though. Next time he uses his vile temper against you show him the door.

Have you heard about that from anyone else EmmaLou , or just from him? Do you speak to his ex?

I want to hear from women dating men who say, when asked why their marriage ended 'It's because I was a lazy, selfish, bad-tempered asshole who never pulled my weight at all'. Would be refreshing.

My DD is 9 and her 8 year old friend come to visit yesterday and they had macdonald a and didn’t clear up - I asked them to do that before moving on to play and they both did - can you talk to them and get your stupid husband to get on board too as you’re not the family slave

she preferred going out on the piss than spending time with him

Can't say I blame her.

I know kids are messy, used to be one myself. Things used to go missing on my bedroom floor, once left a plate in my window that grew mould, I was terrible, but I have grown up and turned in to a very clean individual for all those worrying about their messy kids.
It’s not his kids making the mess that’s the problem, it’s how it all gets left for me to clean. The kitchen was disgusting, I found 6 Rio cans half drank, 2 half empty fruit shoots, 2 orange tango cans, a pizza box which had cake wrappers inside instead of putting them in the bin, dried up food stuck to the side, every plate, bowl knife and fork had been used and was dirty and left on the side. Melted kit kat sat by the bin. The front room not so bad, three empty chocolate wrappers and two half eaten. This was 4 children and one adult making this mess in one night (kids had a friend each round). My DP got up in the morning and walked past it all and went out. I wasn’t even here to add to the mess.

At the ages your SDC are, I would definitely make them clear up behind themselves! My DDs are 8 and 5 and they’re always told to put their rubbish in the bin. Your DP needs to get on board, this is nothing to do with them being your SDCs.

And I agree that his behaviour sounds abusive and you shouldn’t put up with it.

So he just lets them come round, eat shit and make a huge mess, and when you challenge him, he's unpleasant and uncooperative?

The problem isn’t that you had to cleaned up after your dsc.
The problem is that yur DH is EXPECTING you to clean whatever mess they live and cleric has no intention to teach them to clean and tidy up faster themselves. Probably because he doesn’t see the point himself and you are there to do it.....

If you are at the point of thinking that living in a small flat in your own by yourself (with the baby), then it has already gone too far to be saved imo.

This was 4 children and one adult making this mess in one night (kids had a friend each round). My DP got up in the morning and walked past it all and went out. I wasn’t even here to add to the mess.

Are you also chief babysitter?

He replies on your tidying up and taking the slack. I have to say I'd have walked right past that and gone out for the day.

The getting bad since you got pregnant is worrying though...

As if he thought that you being pregnant is sort of making you dependant on Him so he doesn’t have to make as much effort. You will just put up with it for the sake of family/less financial independance etc....

The only thing I agree with him and not you is when he goes to comfort his daughter. Leaving her will not necessarily make her stop, she needs her dad and I'm glad he goes to her.

@AlternativeTentacle no i don’t really look after them unless my partner is here, he might nip out for an hour or so sometimes and leave them with me but it’s rare, I also take them out on my own by choice as I do enjoy spending time with them. This morning he went out early and he had agreed with ex to take them back early because he was going out.
I know I should of left the mess but I just couldn’t stand looking at it. I almost left it, then realised I needed a plate for my toast and had to wash one up anyway and just ended up doing the lot. The piss in the toilet was the day before, the crisp packet and toothpaste all over the bathroom was last week, so it’s been building up for a week or so and I eventually lost it and had ago at him today. To which the reply came of well done for cleaning your own house.

i don’t really look after them unless my partner is here, he might nip out for an hour or so sometimes and leave them with me but it’s rare,

If he's with them, he should be the one saying "Put x in the bin/ tidy up y/ don't leave z on the floor" etc.

There really is no excuse.

The sounds lovely. Like a really good partner and Dad. You must be so thrilled to be having a baby with him.

he left his first wife because she preferred going out on the piss than spending time with him.

I’d be really interested to hear her version of this, because I bet he treated her the same way he treats you and she got fed up of it.

He’s not a pleasant man. He leaves his shit on the floor for you to deal with and when you stand up for yourself, he thinks it’s acceptable to give you an hour of grief.

I’d suggest having a family meeting, tell DH and DSC either they pick up their mess or you are no longer willing to have them visit your home.
Once your baby comes along you will have quite enough on your plate without picking up after children who are old enough to know better!
Point out to the DSC that their lack of manners reflects badly on their mother.
You have my every sympathy, I had very similar with my stepchildren and it ended in a full blown screaming match and me telling some very harsh truths. (My SC were 13 and 18 and their mother had died so I had it constantly)

Where was he going, that required him to cut down his contact time with his DCs?

Your husband is a cunt

For the people who say 'kids are messy', this is more than messy, it shows lack of respect. I have 3 step kids (now grown up) and they never left rubbish lying around, would tidy up before they went home and respected our home, if they didnt then their dad would have told them too (he always made sure they tidied up before going home).

Your dp needs to step up and sort it out, if he's not going to make sure they tidy up then he should do it himself.

My teen is not a lazy shitbag what a charming way to describe a child. She’s v tidy and organised as it goes so can we stop with the lazy stereotyping please.
The point is the way that the op is being treated which is with disrespect and rudeness.

Who does the food shop? Could you stop buying any sweets/fizzy drinks etc until they learn basic manners?
Although I'd be tempted to throw all their mess in a bin bag and empty it into their room (including pissy loo mats).
I would also have issues with the way he responded to it and probably point out to him that you're pregnant and if he can't show a little extra care and consideration now, then perhaps you should talk about co-parenting now and selling the house before the difficult new baby period.