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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to clean up after step children?

160 replies

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 13:23

Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of tidying up after them, putting toys away, finding my extension leads and charger his son as borrowed and not put back, I know children are messy, but AIBU to be angry to be left with half eaten chocolate bars chucked about the house, wrappers put next to the bin instead of in it, Even found some hidden behind the microwave which is right next to the bin because they couldn’t be bothered to put it in the bin and being on my hands and knees trying to scrub the awful piss smell off the bathroom floor because his 13 year old son is incapable of aiming in the toilet? He gets up early every morning on weekends, before me. He could have a quick whip round. I don’t mind being left with the washing up or vacuuming, polishing that kind of stuff. But he went out and left me with everything this morning. It literally looked like squatters had been in. It was vile. When I walked in the kitchen I almost cried. We both work full time and I work longer hours than him, it’s not like I’m a stay at home Mum, I don’t even have kids yet (currently pregnant).

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 12/11/2017 16:48

I would ignore the stepkids issue entirely - it's a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

The problem is that he used to treat you as an equal and pull his weight around the house, and since you've become pregnant, he's leaving all the 'women's work' to you. Would that be fair to say? So you're ending up having to do his chores as well as your own.

When the baby arrives, you'll suddenly have a whole extra bundle of chores that you didn't have before. Will he be sharing those equally, or will he expect you to do them all? And will he expect you to continue doing the chores that you do now as well (which seems to include his half)?

Originalfoogirl · 12/11/2017 16:49

Bear in mind you have his version of why she left, not hers.

You need to sort it out with him, he needs to sort our his children. It’s also telling that you seem not to have accepted them as part of your family, there must be a reason for that (apologies if I got that wrong). That could cause problems when baby comes along. They need to feel they are important to you too.

But first you need to work out if you want to be a family with him at all. Doesn’t sound like it.

Goosegrass · 12/11/2017 16:54

Maybe she was going out drinking a lot because she was married to a massive prick. Funny how men always seem to have irresponsible exes but they are happy to leave the kids with them for the majority of the time.

bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 16:55

Even during the time they are supposed to be seeing the DCs ....

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 16:55

@Justanothernameonthepage we both do the food shop, all of that stuff never got bought on the food shop though, we don’t keep fizzy drinks. it got bought as a take away as I was out for the night and he treated the kids and their friends, I can’t figure out how they managed to get through so many fizzy drinks though! I don’t know how they weren’t all bouncing off the walls.

OP posts:
TwoBobs · 12/11/2017 16:57

Put it all in a bin bag and then empty it into his car every time. Grin

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:00

@LannieDuck yes, that. He also keeps bringing up my maternity leave as well and says he can’t wait to come home to a clean house every day and dinner waiting for him on the table. I’m dreading it already I feel like I’ll be thrown back to the 50’s. I’ll keep the house clean anyway as I always do, and I’ll cook dinner like I always do. But he says it like I don’t do it already which annoys me.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 17:06

Where has he gone today after he returned his children early to their horrible mum?

tillytown · 12/11/2017 17:07

Your partner is making you dread your maternity leave, and is gaslighting you, he sounds like an abusive dickhead

RoseWrites · 12/11/2017 17:07

I'm with everyone else - you are not being unreasonable, at all.

I live with 3 step children, we have them 50% of the time. They don't do a huge amount of cleaning, but they definitely tidy up after themselves. i.e. make own beds, put pyjamas away, unpack lunch boxes from school bags, put shoes and coats on hooks, tidy own bedrooms, etc. They might seem like minor things but I got hugely pssed off when I first moved in and they did nothing* at all.

I just used to get cross (on the inside about it) but then realised that i was pointless, so sat down with my OH and we came up with a list of things that were reasonable for for them to do i.e. the things above, and then things like everyone clears the table, and helps set it etc.

These things have now become routine, and they do it (on the whole) without too much prompting. They know the rules, and they are simple: they clean up after themselves, and help others when they need help too.

As two are under 10, we also used a star chart which worked wonders, and tied it to their pocket money (the youngest two get about 20p so it's not expensive!). I know you probably shouldn't bribe children, but the 50p pack of star stickers from tesco and the tiny amount of pocket money is money well spent as it helped encourage them, and now I don't need to bribe them as they just do it.

The key thing is for your OH to back you up so you don't get the inevitable thing of them running off to whinge at their dad about how are you asking them to clear up.

Failing that, tell your OH to clean up after they have gone, or pay for a cleaner for Monday mornings when the step children have left... His children, his responsibility.

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:08

@bastardkitty he was helping his dad decorate

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 12/11/2017 17:10

He also keeps bringing up my maternity leave as well and says he can’t wait to come home to a clean house every day and dinner waiting for him on the table.

So was he looking for a partner or a maid/nanny? Sounds like he was nice enough until he’d hooked you... sorry OP.

bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 17:10

And how often do the DCs come to yours for the weekend?

LannieDuck · 12/11/2017 17:12

Perhaps you should suggest shared parental leave?

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:15

@bastardkitty every weekend, they also come round in the week for dinner one or two days. Sometimes we have them all weekend, sometimes Friday to Saturday or Saturday to Sunday. They only live 5 minute drive so he can see them whenever.

OP posts:
ElephantsandTigers · 12/11/2017 17:15

Surely it reflects badly on their FATHER too? Hmm.

What are you going to do about it, OP?

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:16

@LannieDuck he’s self employed so we wouldn’t be able to.

OP posts:
EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:17

Well he’s home now and hes grovelling a little and started telling his 13 yr old to clean up after himself and come down and do the washing up that’s built up over the day. I suppose I can only wait and see. The real test will be next weekend when they stay again.

OP posts:
Candlelight234 · 12/11/2017 17:28

also keeps bringing up my maternity leave as well and says he can’t wait to come home to a clean house every day and dinner waiting for him on the table
Nip this right in the bud now OP, tell him it ain't going to be happening. He wants a cleaner OP, not a wife.
Kids can be messy buggers and TBH I lose my shit very often about half drunk drinks and wrappers and left out, they are made to tidy it up. It shouldnt matter if they are step kids or not, it's about not leaving it in a shit tip.

bastardkitty · 12/11/2017 17:31

I don't really know what to say. He sounds awful. He shouldn't be dumping this on DSS. It's him who failed to do his job as a parent and has let them do this and been horrible to you when you pulled him up. He sounds hateful.

mustbemad17 · 12/11/2017 17:31

Be very clear with him. Tell him that grovelling & getting the kids to clear up one day is not going to solve anything. You need to put your foot down & make him realise you are his partner not his maid; if he expects a maid tell him he can damn well pay for one. The only way this will change (if it ever does) is if you toughen up now.

My exOH was a pillock. Once my DD was born he would spend 4/7 nights at mine to 'help' with DD. His idea of help? Make a mess in the kitchen, create a lot of extra work for me & then get aggressive when I woke him at 6am to take his daughter (she never slept, ever. So i would have been awake for near 24 hours by the point i needed him to step in). It felt like taking care of two children. The day i stopped him coming round was like a weight had been lifted off my neck

Mrskeats · 12/11/2017 17:32

dinner on the table with a newborn??? Oh dear this is going to go well isn’t it?

EmmaLou3422 · 12/11/2017 17:34

@Candlelight234 that’s true, I do tell them to put things in the bin and take their plates out and what not but when I’m not here it seems to go to pot. Then I feel like their dad is the fun one who lets them get away with everything and I’m the evil moany step mum!
I just feel like if he doesn’t want to tell them to clear up, then he should be the one doing it.
And the toilet still stinks of piss after scrubbing it to within an inch of its life, scrubbed the floors and the walls, even the pipes behind the toilet. I bloody give up.

OP posts:
Motoko · 12/11/2017 17:35

He also keeps bringing up my maternity leave as well and says he can’t wait to come home to a clean house every day and dinner waiting for him on the table

Right, he's telling you exactly where he sees you, playing the 1950s housewife.

Don't be fooled by him being a bit better now, it's a classic abuser's tactic, straight out of the abuser's handbook. Got to play nice every now and then to keep you confused, to think that he's not nasty all the time, and put off leaving the relationship.

He waited until you were financially tied with owning a joint house (much harder to leave than if you were renting) and pregnant with his child, before showing his true colours.

I suspect if his wife did go out getting pissed rather than spending time with him, it's because he was the same with her.

Start getting your ducks in a row. This is not a relationship you should stay in. At least if you've already been thinking about moving out, you're more emotionally ready to do it.

Ausparent · 12/11/2017 17:39

I wonder whether he is scared of you being firm with his kids because he wants to be the fun dad? They have a great time, go home thinking he is fab and you get left to clean up the shit.

In your position I would literally write a list of house rules for the scs and ask him to sit with you and go through it with them. The reasoning can be that with a baby you need to keep the house clean and safe.

He also needs to have realistic expectations of your maternity leave as do you. If not it will be storing up trouble for a time when you will be least equipped to deal with it.

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