To not want to clean up after step children?

[EmmaLou3422]

Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of tidying up after them, putting toys away, finding my extension leads and charger his son as borrowed and not put back, I know children are messy, but AIBU to be angry to be left with half eaten chocolate bars chucked about the house, wrappers put next to the bin instead of in it, Even found some hidden behind the microwave which is right next to the bin because they couldn’t be bothered to put it in the bin and being on my hands and knees trying to scrub the awful piss smell off the bathroom floor because his 13 year old son is incapable of aiming in the toilet? He gets up early every morning on weekends, before me. He could have a quick whip round. I don’t mind being left with the washing up or vacuuming, polishing that kind of stuff. But he went out and left me with everything this morning. It literally looked like squatters had been in. It was vile. When I walked in the kitchen I almost cried. We both work full time and I work longer hours than him, it’s not like I’m a stay at home Mum, I don’t even have kids yet (currently pregnant).

It's not going to help her asking why she had a child with him..it's done now,child is on way...it's how she tackles things from here that counts....I say it's the op s house so she is well within rights to enforce these children to behave.demand your respect op.

a sarcastic text back telling me well done for cleaning my own house up

you have a serious dh problem there. why are you putting up with it? I assume he has some redeeming qualities as doing his fair share, taking care of his children's needs (teaching them responsibility), supporting you and not talking to you like a piece of shit when you are pregnant are obviously are on the list!

The thing is - if he doesn't want to change/doesn't care enough to change, nothing OP can do/say will change anything. This isn't a new phenomenon.

I don't understand people getting into relationships with messy/dirty unhygienic people and expecting them to change several months/years down the line. If mess and poor hygiene is a deal breaker for you, then don't get into a relationship with someone who is messy.

So there are really three options. Set up house rules and get the DC to clear up after themselves (so long as it's age appropriate), put up with it (as that's how he's always been) or split up. You can't force a grown up to change if they don't want to.

What happens when you are parenting differently a few years down the line,? It's not going to bode well ...

Why is this the DH's problem? I hate the whole 'your kids not my kids' thing with step children. If they are staying in your home and are an extension of your husband then you have every capability of instilling discipline in these children whether they came out of your womb or not.

Fair enough the DH response and lack of help with chores is entirely another matter but his kids in your house : deal with them, discipline them and make them tidy up before it's home time.

a sarcastic text back telling me well done for cleaning my own house up - from mess that his kids have made!

He'd be gone. It's not jsut the mess, it's the assumption that it's your house, therefore your responisbility to clean it.

Is it your house?

It's time you started treating his kids as if they'd are yours I.e. telling them what is expected of them and consequences when they don't do it. He can't have it both ways and it sounds like he's a shit so it's time to stand up for yourself as your work load will grow once baby arrives.

He said WHAT? What a fucking bellend. It's HIS house too, he can do his share of cleaning!

Pissed off-ness aside, have you tried talking to him calmly about it and agreeing how to approach this fairly? It seems there are two issues here: he needs to teach his kids not to be disgusting, lazy and messy AND you need to work out a way to divide any cleaning up fairly between the two of you.

Perhaps they've learnt to be lazy and messy off their dad and if you sort the latter, the former will click into place a bit too...

@WeAllHaveWings he’s definitely not all bad, I’d say 80/20 good. But the bad is really bad, not domestic abuse bad, but he does know how to make me feel like shit when he wants to and he has a vile temper.
And no he hasn’t always been like this, he was always really clean, I’d come home most days to everything being done and all I’d have to do is cook dinner and take the dogs out. I’d say it was fair for us both working full time. I’d always clean up after dinner so there was minimal for him to do when he came home the next day, we were a team. But last few months have gotten worse, since I’ve been pregnant really. Been together 5 years.

Oh my god of course you're not being ridiculous. And you sound like you'd be loads happier on your own. If you're there in your head already is it time to look at your options?

My DSC are much younger and need the odd prompt about flushing the loo, drying water off the floor after a bath, putting their plates in the kitchen after a meal. Because of the dynamic here, which I know is lucky, I'm happy to do it and they're happy to listen. DH does loads around the house, he's much tidier than I am, and because of that I do loads for my DSC. But it's a two way street! If he was crap generally I'd be far less inclined to cook, clean and tidy up after them.

You sound really unhappy and stressed. He sounds critical, angry, unreasonable and horrible. Sorry. Not easy hearing bad things about your partner.

But you deserve someone who respects you and your home and wants your life to be lovely and easier for you because he's in it. I'm genuinely worried for you and what things will be like when you have your baby to look after as well.

Whose house is it? Do you rent? No ones saying you have to leave immediately but taking a proper look at your options would be good.

cleaning my own house what??
That be it for me. No prizes for guessing where the kids get their idea that you are a skivvy.

You need to think very carefully about whether this relationship is right for you.

Do you want to be the family servant?

It is very unlikely that he will change his expectations in terms of his children's behaviour because it doesn't cause a problem for him. He clearly doesn't give two hoots about mess and doesn't care whether it bothers you. That means you are going to continue to be responsible for clearing up after the family in the long term.

That is bad enough but doling out abuse if you don't clear up after his children is vile and it is very likely that this behaviour will escalate when the baby arrives.

I would follow your dream of a little flat for just you and the baby.

Why do you want to spend your life with someone who is horrible to you 20% of the time? That's a LOT of time being miserable.

No relationship is perfect but that's the equivalent of spending nearly 2 days a week miserable - for the rest of your life! Or over two months a year feeling miserable because of your partner. Come on OP, you deserve so much more than this!

Serious DH problem here.

Does not sound like he respects you, so neither do his kids ...

God, he sounds really, REALLY Unpleasant, OP.

dump him and dont put his name on the birth certificate. Hes a cock

Why do you think things are suddenly getting worse, almost bullying, when you are pregnant and vulnerable with your first child?

last few months have gotten worse, since I’ve been pregnant really

Ahhh yes......you've been relegated from 'partner i need to make an effort with' to 'housewife/mother who will now do all menial work because i'm the main 'breadwinner' "

You need to nip this in the bud now.

I sent him a shitty text this morning about it and I had a sarcastic text back telling me well done for cleaning my own house up. they are 7 and 13
I can understand why you snapped at him like this, however, it's not a constructive way to move forward - you come across as 'attacking' his kids and naturally he will defend them.

Yes, his kids are messy, but only because the adults in charge of them give them no boundaries, rules or consequences.
You need to sit down and discuss the above as it will be the same rules and expectations for your dc.
The sdc are old enough to pick up after themselves and keep shared areas clean/tidy/do basic chores.
He also has enough self awareness to know that his kids need cleaning up after and that he should be the one doing it.

If he refuses to instill basic manners and respect in his dc and also has a go at you for trying to enforce it - then you're better off living separately with your dc.
Unless you want your dc growing up adopting their way of not doing things and thinking it's ok to disrespect and treat a woman like this?

its not normal, my dh had many flaws and can be selfish at times, but I was like precious cargo when I was pregnant and he couldn't do enough for me.

and the 13 years old son thing is disgusting, every time the child goes to the toilet do a check after and if he has made a mess get him to clean it up until he learns. I do this with one of ds(13)'s friends. It is the best thing for the child to learn as he is likely to be doing it at friends houses too and it teaches them care and respect for others.

no food in rooms and if they leave wrappers lying about call them from whatever they are doing and tell them to clear them up, consistently and they will eventually get the message!

If your dh cannot support you on that then you are really in trouble. Is his attitude why his previous relationship broke down?

I do have a lot to think about and a few options to weigh up. I think I probably would be better off on my own to be honest, it’s just hard to make such a huge step. I do have a breaking point, but I think mines a bit more than your average person! Thank you for all your honest opinions and making me feel as though I’m not just some petty twat who doesn’t like cleaning lol.

he does know how to make me feel like shit when he wants to and he has a vile temper

You do know that both of these things can be (and often are) classed as abusive behaviour, don't you?

Is he a DP or a DH? Is it 'your' house or 'our' house? Because if it's 'your' house it wouldn't be 'his' home any longer.

Think very carefully about this quote: "It's far better to be alone than to wish you were".

This is going to be worse when the baby comes.
I think if it were me I would be having serious discussions with him and tell him it gets better, especially his anger issues. And you have every right to discipline his children in your own home.
And honestly if it doesn't get better, you might be happier on your own.

I would not tolerate that from my own child and I'd certainly be saying something about it.

But the bad is really bad, not domestic abuse bad, but he does know how to make me feel like shit when he wants to and he has a vile temper.

Are you afraid of his temper? Because if he makes you scared in your own home is IS domestic abuse. I’m another one who thinks you and your baby would be better on your own. At best he has no respect for how you feel or your opinions. That’s not healthy.

Well, as he told you it's your house, text back that he doesn't need to bother coming home.

Sorry, but he sounds classic abuser material. Makes you feel like shit, leaves the menial stuff for you, massive change once he has you trapped because you're pregnant, vile temper. I bet money he is going to get worse once the baby arrives. I'm also betting that he only takes his temper out on you, not his boss at work or his friends.

Do you know his ex? Can you ask her how familiar this is? Quite seriously, keep yourself safe.