To not want to clean up after step children?

[EmmaLou3422]

Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of tidying up after them, putting toys away, finding my extension leads and charger his son as borrowed and not put back, I know children are messy, but AIBU to be angry to be left with half eaten chocolate bars chucked about the house, wrappers put next to the bin instead of in it, Even found some hidden behind the microwave which is right next to the bin because they couldn’t be bothered to put it in the bin and being on my hands and knees trying to scrub the awful piss smell off the bathroom floor because his 13 year old son is incapable of aiming in the toilet? He gets up early every morning on weekends, before me. He could have a quick whip round. I don’t mind being left with the washing up or vacuuming, polishing that kind of stuff. But he went out and left me with everything this morning. It literally looked like squatters had been in. It was vile. When I walked in the kitchen I almost cried. We both work full time and I work longer hours than him, it’s not like I’m a stay at home Mum, I don’t even have kids yet (currently pregnant).

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your partner is utterly disrespectful and abusive, and he is teaching his children to behave in the same way.

No abuse is awful 100% of the time, they need to have some intervals of civilised behaviour to convince their partners that there's enough of a relationship to work with. But 20 % of your life spent being verbally abused and frightened of temper tantrums is not acceptable - especially when the rest of your life is spent working or cleaning up his kids' crap. Not all abuse is physically violent.

It's only going to get worse once the baby is born, when you are exhausted with a newborn and physically in recovery he will regard you even more as his slave.

Who own your home? You should really think about an escape plan, and tell your midwife that you are scared of your partner's temper.

Sorry, should say no abuser, not no abuse.

With a 13yo and 7yo boys I'd expect piss to have gone astray and also some messy behaviour with crisp packets and the like. But then I'd reprimand them. Theor behaviour isn't too abnormal but your dp/h sound like a very lazy parent and partner by not dealing with their behaviour or the mess. Did his first wife/partner leave him??

If you are thinking that you may be better off on your own, OP, then I suspect there is way more to this.

I agree that 20% of not nice is way too much.

Not nice only happens in our house if someone is overtired/ill - not just generally not nice!

It's not the step kids - it's your DH.

If you don't think he will change that leaves it to you to make the change - that could be that you leave.

I hate suggesting someone should leave but you are 5 months pregnant and this is simply not how you should be treated (pregnant or not!)

All the best x

Stop buying snacks/treats & just feed the meals?

Hand the 13yr old cleaner & a cloth & tell him to wipe his piss up?

Why isn't your husband ashamed of them?

How long have they been getting away with this?

Why is this the DH's problem? I hate the whole 'your kids not my kids' thing with step children

Because, ime, when a stepmother tries to get stepkids to do stuff they risk a whole "You're not my mum, you can't tell me what to do" argument. This isn't too much of a big deal if their father backs you up, but when they don't, you're doubly undermined.

@HeebieJeebies456 I didn’t attack his children in the text, i know it’s not their fault. Kids are kids and I know they can be messy. I blamed him and told him he’s disgusting for leaving it all me as he was up early and just walked past it without putting anything in the bin, with added swearing!! Its always messy when the kids come, but he used to always get up in the morning and It would be spotless by the time I even woke up. But that’s all gone down the pan lately and he makes me feel lazy for having a moan about it.

Well I would be telling the kids myself, no way would I put up with that, I would give them a bin liner and send them round the house picking up, not cleaning though

he makes me feel lazy for having a moan about it

Gaslighting AND abusive. Bloody hell.

You need to get this sorted before the baby is born, OP. This is beyond taking the piss.

Is it your house, if so I'd be telling both him and children are not welcome until all of them can treat you and house with respect.

I have a stepson. I do get annoyed with clothes being left on the floor etc but to be honest I don’t associate the annoyance with the fact he is my stepson! My son is only 1 I’m sure when he is my stepson’s age I’ll be just as annoyed with him leaving stuff and dh not helping out ! I think it might help you to realise it’s just annoying and not a step son thing?!

The mess doesn’t sound as horrific as it’s been made out to be.
Some crisp packets and wrappers left around. That’s just a few seconds pick up. The toilet thing is Dad having a conversation with son about aiming.
Yes H should help but it’s not the end of a relationship or he’s a complete b**.
I wouldn’t have done a grumpy text I’d have chatted to him about it.
When your baby is a teen you’ll realise how hard they and careless they are. Often depending on the teen it’s choose your battles.

I find it interesting that his attitude has changed since you became pregnant. I wonder what his ex would have to say about their break-up.

That’s just a few seconds pick up.

If it's "just a few seconds pick up", why the fuck can't he do it? He's their parent and an adult - I presume he's perfectly capable of putting wrappers in the bin. Instead, he thinks it's okay to leave it because he knows OP will clean up after him. Because he doesn't respect her. He thinks it's okay to leave mess on the floor for his pregnant partner to clean up while he fucks off out.

What a charmer

@LakieLady they’ve not said anything like that to me. If I ever ask them to do anything they literally drop everything and do it for me, they are really good kids, for me anyway, just some things I don’t feel comfortable asking them to do like pointing out to his son the he pisses on the floor, I feel embarrassed to tell him and I know it would embarrass him that I’ve said something, I would rather it come from his dad.
It’s more DP that gets his head up his arse and says pathetic things.
For example, his youngest still wakes up in the night crying, he will go and get in bed with her. I told him to stop doing so and maybe she will learn to stop crying because daddy doesn’t get in bed with her when she cries. He told me I was jealous he was getting in bed with her?!
Also, she would have a tantrum about one thing or another. I told him to send her to her room, he said no and accused me of spiting her because he only see’s her part time and he doesn’t want her in her room so we have to sit there and listen to her scream her head off and tell her she hates him.
So I’ve give up trying to have any input whatsoever in those kids.

So the husband has changed as he used to clear it up (and the step childre are like all children step and otherwise and leave a mess and will continue to do so). I am afraid the only answer is not to clear it up yourself. I ti snot your mess and if your husband wants it cleared up then he will need to clear it up.

You will just have to leave it all alone and try not to look at it. When I had a particularly messy teenager I just tried to avoid looking into their bedroom or down the back of their bed (luckily I had a cleaner to vacuum in there).

If you cannot stand to look at the mess perhaps move it all into a pile into one room or somewhere your husband can clean it up once he gets home. Like you I work full time. I am afraid a toilet one of my teenage sons used always had that smell around it too. I had to buy a special carpet cleaner for getting out cat and dog wee smells which by the way worked very well... until it all built up again.

dancinggoat, have a read of the OPs posts where she's asked her DP to clear up and he's let rip at her for an hour. Or where she's left some of the crap hoping he'll do it and days later she's given in and done it because he's happy to live in a shit hole which includes crisp packets in the bathroom and she isn't.

Why would you make excuses for a man's rudeness and abuse of his pregnant partner?

For example, his youngest still wakes up in the night crying, he will go and get in bed with her. I told him to stop doing so and maybe she will learn to stop crying because daddy doesn’t get in bed with her when she cries.

Hmm. One day you will understand how unreasonable you are being here.

At that age they can put thingd in the bin ffs. Talk to them directly and request that they don't leave half eaten chocolate around the house and clean up their own mess.

You wouldn't be leaving him because I was just being pathetic because I had to clear up after his kids.

You would be leaving him because
I had a sarcastic text back telling me well done for cleaning my own house up

if he does have to clean it up I get thrown abuse at for about an hour and I’m the bad one.

But the bad is really bad, not domestic abuse bad, but he does know how to make me feel like shit when he wants to and he has a vile temper.

And as heebie points out
Ahhh yes......you've been relegated from 'partner i need to make an effort with' to 'housewife/mother who will now do all menial work

Tbh, I think you are right that you would be better off alone in a little flat.

No wonder his first wife got rid of him.

she would have a tantrum about one thing or another. I told him to send her to her room, he said no and accused me of spiting her because he only see’s her part time and he doesn’t want her in her room so we have to sit there and listen to her scream her head off and tell her she hates him

You can't always just send kids to their room...but he needs a better plan than letting her cry.

Personally if she wad screaming like this I'd leave the house till she stopped crying.

Maybe then he'll do something about it.

Tbh, I think you are right that you would be better off alone in a little flat.

^^ Agreed.

@Haffiana she’ll be 8 in a couple of months, if she was younger I’d sort of understand. This has been going on since I met her when she was 2. Plus I only suggested something because he moaned about being woken up by her

MN wisdom taught me that abusers get worse when partner is pregnant. Stay safe, OP
If you choose to remain, get a piece of clear plastic carpet protector to put around the loo (assuming you have carpet there) as it will catch the inevitable spray you get when males pee from a height - like you get spray from a waterfall.
As for the rubbish? I've threatened my kids that any rubbish lying around will get put inside their beds if they don't put it in the bin. (Of course, you do run the risk of them just knocking it all onto the floor, but you don't need to go in their rooms, do you?)
YANBU to not want to clean. YANBU to want to leave, from what you have said.

I would have done walk through with the video on my phone and played it when you both calm.

Texting doesnt address the issue and all its done is sound him up and made him defensive as another poster has said.
If possible I would be introducing a 15 minute tidy round before they leave the house and make that a habit.
( sorry if that's already been said, I'm struggling on my phone today!)