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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dispute with Neighbours

344 replies

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 11:24

I'm hoping you can you tell me if I'm being unreasonable or not. This is going to be a long thread, so thank you if you manage to read all of this.

Our small garden backs on to the back of other houses and is divided with a 5 foot high wall. Along the top of the wall grows ivy and other plants and gives our gardens more privacy of another 2 feet or so. There is also a tree from another garden which gives a bit more privacy.

However, we can still partially see the bathroom window of the garden behind us and we often see people going to the toilet. Sometimes these people are naked, but as their glass is a bit frosted we can't see everything in detail. We have noticed people staring at us from that window and on two occasions a naked man has waved at my daughter from that window. I didn't complain because If I complained about everything weird or antisocial that happened in our neighbourhood I'd be on the phone every day. I have complained to the police before about drugs, violence and racial hatred, very extreme things. My daughter comes inside the house if she sees anyone at the window.

So, a year after my daughter we saw a naked man at the window she wrote on our shed wall in chalk 'Put Some Clothes on You Weirdo'. We left it there. The tree and plants have now grown more, so the neighbours wouldn't have been able to see it, until last week.

Last week I came home to find all the plants and ivy hacked down and hanging into my garden. My garden was a mess. Yesterday I went to try and put it back up and immediately the neighbour came to his bathroom window (without clothes) and started aggressively telling me I have to remove all the plants because it would make the wall fall down. The wall is at least 120 years old and shows no signs at all of falling down, it's in perfect condition, I told him this and he said I have to get someone to come and cut it down. He also said "You need to scrub the message off your wall, because you can get done for that". He said the message was obviously aimed at them.

My question is, do I have to remove the plants which give us more privacy? And do I have to remove any chalk messages on our shed wall? I don't think I do, but I'm hoping you can give me more advice on this or if I need to do anything.

I doubt very much that the neighbours care about their landlord's wall. Their garden is a tip filled with beer cans and cigarette ends and they spend their summers playing loud aggressive music, fighting and swearing. Just to give you some idea of what they're like.

Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 12/11/2017 18:06

It’s rude & passive aggressive to leave the writing there, imo worse just to remove the weirdo part-not sure what kind of message you’re trying to send. I’d be offended to see any writing on a wall of neighbours property.

Also, it is his garden, just because he rents instead of owning his home, doesn’t mean he has less of a right to do what he wants there.

He would be unreasonable to knock & wave at anyone while naked but it’s nigh impossible to see out a frosted window so I don’t know how he did that. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding like pp said.

Mature trees would be a good investment if you want more privacy-good time of the year. Is yo get them planted too.

I think you should remove the writing & try to ignore anything that you don’t like unless you are certain that there is mal-intent. Neighbour disputes suck.

Foxysoxy01 · 12/11/2017 18:14

"We just ignored the weirdness"

What fucking weirdness? The poor bloke was taking a piss after a shower (or something equally innocent) in his own bathroom that has a frosted window and something happened to bang against the glass (or your DD thought he banged on the window when it was actually someone else making a noise) swatted a fly away and you all go physio calling him a pervert!

inkandstone · 12/11/2017 18:17

I'm pretty sure people are allowed to use their bathrooms whilst in the nude. Whether you gawp at them or not is up to you. Personally, I'd try not to look.

RainbowsAndCrystals · 12/11/2017 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

inkandstone · 12/11/2017 18:18

Not very nice of him to cut your ivy down though. I would certainly be angry about that.

Sayyouwill · 12/11/2017 18:22

@inkandstone it wasn’t her ivy

olympicsrock · 12/11/2017 18:26

I think you are in the wrong.

  1. your ivy is destroying an old wall.
  2. your neighbour is entitled to be naked in his home or bathroom - this is normal . An adult body is nothing weird - it’s not as if he was right next to your daughter or shaking his willy at her.
  3. your daughters message is rude. You should run it off.
Backingvocals · 12/11/2017 18:29

It is weird though to be naked at the window if you can be seen by anyone going about their normal business. I guess we all pull the curtains to get changed if eg our bedroom overlooks the road?

I know I do. Also I know I can be seen in my bathroom so I have a blind. That’s pretty normal.

ProfessorCat · 12/11/2017 18:49

If his garden is a shit tip, why would the only thing he does be to cut down the ivy on your side? It makes no sense unless he's trying to deliberately be seen.

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 18:52

The ivy was obstructing the view of a wall that is in our garden. The words were written faintly then, are even more faint now. I think my daughter was right to write what she did. I'm not a shite neigbour or mother. I keep myself to myself and ignore most of the bad behaviour that happens around here. When extreme things happen I call the police. There is nothing wrong with having the words 'Put some clothes on' written on my shed wall. It's not rude or aggressive, you're wrong about that. He didn't see it until he hacked down all the plants - plants which gave us both some privacy. He doesn't want privacy and he doesn't care about the wall.

Also, it is his garden, just because he rents instead of owning his home, doesn’t mean he has less of a right to do what he wants there. I've never said anything about the fact that he rents, it is his house and he can do what he likes in it.

  1. The ivy isn't destroying the wall. It's not my ivy - it starts in a neighbour's garden and all the gardens have it growing on their wall. The neighbour is only bothered about the ivy that obstructs his view into our garden.
  1. I agree. He is entitled to be naked. I'm entitled to do something so I don't have to see it.
  1. The message isn't rude. I might add the word 'please' though.
OP posts:
Xeneth88 · 12/11/2017 18:54

Most likely, his landlord has asked for him to assist in removing the ivy from the old wall, as it will damage it and the landlord could be liable if the wall is damaged and injures someone. It's hardly rocket science and has been said multiple times on this thread.

Sayyouwill · 12/11/2017 18:54

Or you could go round and have a conversation with him about it all?

Xeneth88 · 12/11/2017 19:03

The message isn't rude. I might add the word 'please' though

It is rude, your daughter is incredibly rude and you shouldn't be allowing her to write passive aggressive "signs". You should be teaching her to deal with things properly by talking to people about her issues. Set an example, speak to your neighbour and don't carry on being pathetic. You're acting like a child, you need to grow up and stop allowing her behavior. You call him a weirdo but your way of parenting is very odd.

Wipe your little sign off, tell your daughter its not the way people deal with non issues and that she needs to stop. Heaven forbid someone at school pisses her off, the girl thinks its ok to write rude, untrue statements about people and mum will back her up! What the hell?! Sort yourself out. My 9 year old knows it's wrong. Come on OP be a parent and act like one. I completely agree with pp that if you really, truly thought this guy was a pervert you've failed by not reporting him. You obviously don't and just like to use the word for a reaction or ... Well yeah as pp said you've failed there.

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 19:22

Most likely, his landlord has asked for him to assist in removing the ivy from the old wall, as it will damage it and the landlord could be liable if the wall is damaged and injures someone. Pure guesswork and unlikely to be true, if the landlord had been round he would have asked him to clear up all the rubbish in his garden first.

I don't want a conversation with a nasty, aggressive, unreasonable man thanks very much. I prefer to have nothing to do with him. I put up with his drunken swearing and shouting all summer and he's complaining about a plant which grows from a neighbour's garden into mine?? I told him the plants don't grow from my garden. He had no reason to get really nasty with me. He's only bothered because his view into our garden is obstructed by it.

For the final time, the wall is very solid and is not going to fall down. It's a thick, old wall with no damage. I'm not going to hack into a plant that isn't my plant, a plant I like.

The message isn't passive aggressive. It's funny. He can only see it because of his own actions.

OP posts:
NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 19:25

It's not wrong to write a sign on a wall. The message is only offensive to weirdos, if he isn't a weirdo then the message isn't offensive. If he is a weirdo then he needs to stop being a weirdo.

OP posts:
Xeneth88 · 12/11/2017 19:25

Yeah you're batshit. Good luck to your kid with the example you're setting. She's going to be a nightmare. Good luck OP! You'll need it.

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 19:27

Sorry Xeneth88 - I completely disagree with everything you've written.

My daughter isn't rude at all. My neighbour is.

OP posts:
Xeneth88 · 12/11/2017 19:28

Ok dear. Have a nice night. Smile

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 19:29

I've taught my daughter not to put up with rubbish from rubbish people. She shows no signs of being a nightmare. I'm not batshit - how rude of you.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/11/2017 19:29

What is your obsession with weirdos. It makes you seem, well slightly unhinged, and dare I say it weird.

You flit between actually sounding very sensible and an actual point. But then to denigrate into someone who frankly seems as aggressive, nasty and unreasonable as your neighbour.

festivefucker · 12/11/2017 19:30

I think your getting a hard time op, it sounds to me like he is a perv, what grown man with no interest in gardening pulls ivy down that obscures your view of his body, if he doesn’t want you to see it?

NameChanger22 · 12/11/2017 19:36

I'm not unhinged or weird. I'm not aggressive at all. I'm a shy person who usually avoids all confrontation. I do my best to avoid nasty people. This weekend I haven't been successful with that. I think I was wrong to ask for advice on here. It seems you get attacked for it. I am fairly sensible, but I've been a bit annoyed by some of the unfair criticism of me on this thread, so it's time to leave you all to it and block the thread.

Thanks Festive.

OP posts:
Xeneth88 · 12/11/2017 19:37

I'm not batshit - how rude of you.

Well in your own words "The message is only offensive to weirdos/batshit peopel if he/she isn't a weirdo/batshit person then the message isn't offensive. If he is a weirdo/batshit then he needs to stop being a weirdo/batshit"

So see how silly comments and signs are offensive now?

MargaretTwatyer · 12/11/2017 19:42

My daughter points out all weird behaviour to me. She's better at spotting it than I am. She's got great morals and very strong sense of justice. Just the way she should be.

Just from that post alone I would strongly urge you to visit your doctor immediately and tell them about all the 'weird' behaviour you and DD are spotting. You sound deeply unwell and in need of urgent help.

RainbowsAndCrystals · 12/11/2017 19:43

It's not wrong to write a sign on a wall. The message is only offensive to weirdos, if he isn't a weirdo then the message isn't offensive. If he is a weirdo then he needs to stop being a weirdo.*

Beyond pathetic. Don't post on here if you can't take the heat.

I'd hate to have you as a neighbour.

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