To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

[JessHaynes]

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

Why would this bother you? Why are your bothered about your child having a tie to a father who doesn’t even want to see her? And I seriously hope you aren’t stupid enough to tell your child that her father hates you both. That would be ridiculous. I wouldn’t even mention it to her. Why does she need to know? Why would you want to possibly hurt her? She may not even be bothered at all. In fact if I was her and grew up to find out me and a father who doesn’t particularly like me or even see me do not share a name, I’d be over the moon. In fact that’s the reason my two girls have their fathers name (we aren’t married) and not mine because I would rather erase traces of a horrible man.

DeepAutumn It was for a long time.

basically from 1year old to around 16 I didn't 'exist'. There was no paper/legal proof of my existence. My legal name was my birth name and thats what was supposed to go on my bank account when I opened one at 16 but because my school info was in the other name I didn't have proof of address. It caused an absolute nightmare trying to claim income support at 16 (emancipated child) because my NI number was under my other name but I had to provide birth certificates as proof of ID too.

Changing old bank accounts to my birth name was just as bad so I ended up closing them all and starting over. Less hassle!

I still, nearly 20 years later, get letters sent to me from HMRC in my step fathers name.

I come from a country where you have two surnames, your father's first surname and your mother's first surname, although you can change their order (so you can choose which surname to pass on).

I never meant to say that the father's heritage is more important than the mother's. I just it should be preserved. And perhaps the OP could add her own surname to her child's, or include it as a middle name.

Men do shit like this.

When will we learn and stop giving our dcs their surnames?!

It's completely daft for dcs to have any name but their mothers.

Because most eventually do go on and get married. Life isn't so Black and white

She has HER name, which is surely the only one she'll ever need.

Why is it daft for a child to have their fathers name? Are they not made from each parent?

Why is it daft for a child to have their fathers name? Are they not made from each parent?
Because of what has happened to the OP.

I still don’t see it as an issue.

More unmarried parents split than get married.

It's patriarchal indoctrination to automatically give dcs fathers' names.

So it’s patriarchal indoctrination to give a child their father’s name, but progressive forward thinking to give a child their mother’s name... three cheers for equality!!

Did you deliberately leave out the word ‘automatically’ there?

When people make an equally weighted, independent thought-out choice and decision to use either parents ‘ names, both, or a new name, the patriarchal indictuination has been broken.

But how do you know it was automatic? If you speak to people who have named their child with their father’s surname, they probably aren’t going to go into their own personal reasons for doing this. It’s just assuming that all children names for their father have done so because of ‘tradition’ when we know this isn’t the case 100% of the time.
I ‘automatically’ gave my child my partners name. Not because he wears the trousers. Not because I’m a lowly woman. Not because of ‘tradition’. I had my reasons and I never gave it a second thought!

Him changing his name and cutting his daughter off are two completely separate issues.

Changing his name YABU. That’s none of your business. If you weren’t married to him at the time of her birth that’s the risk you run by not giving her your name. What he doesn’t now by changing his name etc is absolutely none of your business.

Cutting her off is a different matter and I suspect that’s what this stems from. I can understand how upset and hurt you are at his actions of doing this.