To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

[JessHaynes]

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

I completely understand why you are pissed off, even though it really doesn't matter, it is symbolic.

Yes get her name changed to your surname.

OP I understand why you're annoyed too. It's just pissing on the sacrifice you made. YOu mightn't have had any choice, he might have perceived your insistence that child have your sur name pre-wedding as mistrust which might have caused so many problems in the relationship that it might have seemed (consciously or unconsciously) a better course to just take the father's sur name. I wish I'd insisted on my sur name but I understand why I felt I couldn't do that at the time.

If she's 7 and she hasn't seen him since she was 5, does she even WANT his name or feel any connection to him?

Well, I guess it could still be potentially hurtful that he rejected the LINK between them. a 7 year old mightn't be able to articulate that feeling for a decade but I think it would still cause a sad feeling.

I don't know if I would change her surname. I was registered with my dads surname but he left when I was a baby and then my mum gave me my stepdads name. Never officially changed it tho which nowadays might cause problems with passports etc.

Even if you change your name by deedpoll you will be asked occasionally if you have ever been known by any other name. We gave notice to get married on friday. I had to explain I had been known as something else etc. And it will be mentioned on our marriage certificate.

At 7 your daughter has a sense of identity with that name. My dd is 13 and despite no longer seeing her father wants to keep her own name when we get married.

I think you've answered your own question really. If he's completely ghosted her then it sounds like he doesn't care too much for her.

I think you can turn this into a non issue like others have said by changing her surname to yours. She's young, it probably won't bother her as much as it does you, as long as you handle it sensitively. Don't tell her her father hates her so much he changed his name. That would be an awful thing for you to say even if you believe it is true.

Sometimes it's not about him hating her so much he wants to change his name. I don't get along with my family so see no need to keep my father's surname, DP doesn't get along with his family so sees no need to keep his father's surname. Could it be something like this that made him change it to something completely different rather than him purposefully choosing to have a different surname to his daughter?

Well the moral of the tale is when you give birth to a child give it your name.

Just change her name to yours. Her father has the freedom to have whatever name he chooses and obviously uses that freedom, so do you and she. Go for it.

Hopefully one day the UK will get into the 21st century and women will stop spuriously giving their children the name of fathers they aren't married to or also feeling that they have to take the name of the man they are marrying themselves. I honestly know one woman who has the name of her husband and everyone at the wedding was a bit raised eyebrow about it.

Has anybody asked the child what she wants? I was married when DS1 was born, so he had my married name. I tried to change it to mine when he was tiny but his wanker of a Dad wouldn’t let me.
Now I could, but it’s HIS name, not XHs. It’s about what he wants, not me making choices on his behalf and then forcing them on him.

Of course that is the moral of the story but that doesn't change the story

Firstly, some of you are being extremely judgemental about unmarried mothers. I thought all that died out in the fifties. Why are some people here so quick to condemn women who "have children without the legal protection of marriage"? Why isn't your condemnation for men who abandon their partners and children? It's internalised misogyny.

I am not sure why it is been saying over and over again she shouldn’t of give him his name ? She said in opening post she thought they were all going to have same name .
I am over my ex changing his surname but it did feel like another rejection of my Ds . I have picked up my son’s feeling of rejection over and over again .
Funnily enough I mentioned to my Ds if he would like us to change our surname to family who we do see . No because he likes his name .
I also doubt he did it because he hates child however it is the complete lack of thought how child will feel .

I have a child, he has DP's surname, we are not married. I am not a single mother. I haven't in any way tried to twist DP's arm into marrying me, nor is DP refusing to marry me because he's not commited to out relationship/family. I haven't deliberately had DS in an attempt to pin him down and trap him into marrying me.
Neither of us want to get married (we discussed at length if we should do a registry office job just for the legal side of things, and decided, in our present circumstances, there was no need).
DP was happy for DS to have either surname, or to double barrel. I flatly refused to give DS my surname; it belongs to a man I have nothing but contempt for, and I wouldn't wanted DS to have it himself, or to carry it on. Should I have happened to have a child with no father on the scene, I would have changed my surname by deedpoll to DM's maiden name, and given that to DS too.
The lot of you up there on your hight horses, with your even higher judgey pants can think what you like, but not everyone wans to be married, nor do you need to be to have a happy family!

for people who are headtilt "baffled" as to why unmarried mothers give the child the father's name - one word explains this -

Hope

YOu hope that one day you will get married. You hope that having the same name as his child will help him connect and just see it as his girlfriend's baby. And you hope that one day your name will match theirs.

That's why. Was that really so hard to extrapolate?

Well, I wasn't on my high horse at any point but peapod the warnings or the reminders given to unmarried mothers about to name their children are not given because the couple have equal voices in the relationship, or earn equal amounts, or have discussed their wants and needs!

Would you argue with the fact that marriage does still offer women some protection, and that women do generally both earn less on average and are effected more economically by motherhood, so with those facts in mind, whilst you're fortunate to be in a good relationship yourself, please recognise that the general need to warn other less supported, less financially independent women of the various realities is not a warning issued to belittle your choice.
Please do not silence the warning messages because it injures your ego in some way!

The message to be cautious does still need to be put out there. Not every woman and especially not every mother-to-be is in a strong position. This is hardly news, and motherhood is a vulnerable time (economically and otherwise) even for educated, qualified, employed, married mothers. A lot of power shifts occur. How you're perceived in the workplace. Adjustments to new identities. It's a tough time.

To say ''my own unmarried relationship is equal, these warnings are offensive'' dismisses the issues which disadvantage many women and misses the point many are trying to make here quite spectacularly.

becotide or because they want to give their child their father's surname

@becotide, yes, I hoped.

I wasn't implying that there aren't benefits to being married for some families. It's the judgyness that was bothering me. The attitude that every unmarried mother is in that position by mistake or through stupidity. The tone that suggests it couldn't possibly be a choice.
I haven't returned o work since having DS (also a mutual decision), but I earned more than twice what DP does, and would return on that same rate of pay when I choose to go back.

Women deriding other women for their own choices in the name of feminism utterly baffles me. Surely it’s just replacing the patriarchy with another group unwilling to listen and forcing their own agenda?

I was born out of wedlock, a bastard child, and as it was the 70s both those phrases were used to refer to me. I was given dads surname, I am glad about that. I was "legitimized" when my parents married, if they had split up i would have wanted to retain my original surname, not being particularly bothered about dad changing his but my identity comes from two people, my father is one and his family name was mine. As dad died when I was 18 the link with his surname was very important to me.

It seems odd to me to be hung up on keeping my surname for my children and not taking dh name as it is basically a choice between two surnames passed down the paternal line. I used dh name cause he is an only child and wanted to keep his family line going, I have a large family loads of siblings and it was a compromise i could live with. It feels odd sometimes because I miss being my old surname, but I am still a member of my family that does not change. The important thing is that I considered the options and made a conscious decision, based on the circumstances.

Decide what you want op, talk to your daughter, if you want to change her name it will involve her father as well so you will need to decide if it is worth the necessary upheaval to make a surname change. Good luck.

I had my DD’s out of wedlock, gave them their father’s name, subsequently got married, then divorced, he has had no contact with them for over 10 years & they have been known as my surname (not my birth surname as I took my stepfathers name when Mum remarried) for that time but he has always refused permission to change it legally.

Youngest DD will be 16 next week so we no longer need his permission & both girls have chosen to have first name, middle name, their original surname, my birth surname, my last name.

It’s a mouthful but they feel that this way they have a link to all sets of grandparents - they still have a relationship with their paternal grandparents - & to be honest I’m glad that we had to wait as they are now old enough to have a say & make their own choices as it is their name after all.

Hope

You hope that one day you will get married. You hope that having the same name as his child will help him connect and just see it as his girlfriend's baby. And you hope that one day your name will match theirs.

Oh god. How depressing. If everything is based on hope, I despair.

peabod nobody was implying that it can never be a choice. But it can only be a true choice when taken from the position of joint equality and I think that when it happens, that is most often not the case.

However, your decision to be offended prioritises your 'status', heaven forbid you be mistaken for one of those unmarried women capable of making a choice, you're the other kind, the equal kind with resources.
Ok, so the message isn't for you but don't silence it.

Here's a different perspective. Names, especially surnames, are basically used to identify us. They don't define family relationships. Family relationships are the important thing, so I don't think the actual name you have, or that your child has, actually matters very much.

Would your child like to change her name to yours? She may find it too much hassle etc - but you could ask her what she would like. Presumably her father can't make too much of a song and dance about that if he's made a change to his own?

lol, thestoic also, maybe also a bit of stoicism! I knew my situation could be better but I had too much focus on acceptance and less on complaining. not daring to want more. I've changed a lot.

Op I think you are projecting your issues about your ex onto your dd.
Your ex is entitled to call himself whatever he likes.
Just as a woman can change her mane so can a man.
Why does it matter? Your dd doesn't see him so I doubt if she will ask' gas my biological dad changed his name?'
I think the issue here is that yourcex doesn't care about you or your dd. That is harsh but true. He has moved on and is happy, for what ever reason , to create a new family name with his wife.
Leave your dds name, unless she asks to have the same name as you. Think about the future though. Is there a chance you will change your name again? If so why change your dds name to yours only for it not to match in the future.