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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

165 replies

JessHaynes · 11/11/2017 22:23

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/11/2017 00:08

It’s like a ticklist ✅ of unsavoury phrases to provoke a reaction.as you were

Original poster
JessHaynes · 12/11/2017 00:10

Its nnt anxcuse but hindsight is a wwonderful thing... I was young and really stupid, I thought we were goiing to get married and live happily ever after.

I definitely learned a lot from that relationship.

I will see if I can get him to sign the necessary paperwork for me to change her name, if she wants that is.

Still, he is a complete knob for doing this.

OP posts:
PeiPeiPing · 12/11/2017 00:11

It's not only her father's surname, but her father's family's surname. In a sense, your daughter has the true, historical surname that links her to her family past, while your ex just has a made-up name.

@TonicandLime

Yeah but why is HIS ancestral past any more important than OPs?

This ^ I agree with Tonic and Lime. Why is her father's 'ancestral past' any more important than her mother's? Confused

PeiPeiPing · 12/11/2017 00:13

@JessHaynes

Well I guess what is done is done. At least you INTENDED to get married. So you thought you would all have the same surname. It's these women who give the children the man's name when there is never any intention to get married that puzzle me. As I said, when the vast majority of children end up with the mother (when a relationship breaks down,) it puzzles me why they give the children the man's surname.

Bluebannana · 12/11/2017 00:18

*@bluebannana

DNs don't share a name with either of their parents, their DM remarried and DF reverted to his birth name (adopted) they are teens now and have never seemed phased by it at all.

But, it's the OP who is 'phased' by her child having a surname that belongs to no-one now, not the child! Have you read any of the thread? confused*

My point is the kids are happy with their names, it's not damaged them in any way so I'm not sure why it's something for OP to get upset about.

PeiPeiPing · 12/11/2017 00:20

@bluebannana Oh Ok. I see. Smile

Anywayz I am off to bed now.

SendintheArdwolves · 12/11/2017 00:21

Jesus, why does your DD have to change her name to anything? Her surname may have come from her father, but when you gave it to her, it became HER name. It's her identity, not a room you get to redecorate because it doesn't "match" anymore.

It didn't bother you when she had the same name as a father who (by your account) wasn't that fussed about his own daughter. But now he's changed his name, you're livid with him because now your DDs name had somehow been rendered meaningless.

Leave her name the way it is. When she's older, she can decide if she wants to change it.

ThisTimeItsTrue · 12/11/2017 00:27

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name?

I really hope you have no intention of ever saying anything like that to your daughter. It would be very unkind.

If she hasn't even seen him for two years then I'm not sure this is the massive deal you think it is. I'm not sure how she would even find out about it unless you told her. If her dad continues not to see her then you can just revisit her surname when she is older.

mum11970 · 12/11/2017 00:34

Just change yours by deed poll to the same as hers.

sandgrown · 12/11/2017 00:48

Peipei it is not always straightforward. I was married and had two children. When husband left I kept my married name to be the same as my children. When I.met DP and had a child I could hardly give him my ex- husband's surname ! If he had my maiden name he would have been different to everybody in the family so he has his dad's surname and its no problem.

TittyGolightly · 12/11/2017 00:54

This is very true. Her ancestry is with her current surname, that's important. What her dad has done is silly and immature, I doubt his parents love the idea of him not staring his surname with them either.

Ah. The old “men’s names are important and women’s aren’t” —bollocks— train of thought.

TittyGolightly · 12/11/2017 00:57

Yes but even if you ARE married so the DC gets their father’s name, they can still fuck off and the DC are stuck with their meaningless name. As in my case.

At least YOU would have the same name as your child(ren) though!!! And the protection that marriage brings.

FFS.

I was married to DH for 7 years before having DD. We’ve never shared a surname.

DD is now 7 and I’ve never shared a surname with her either. Guess what, the sky is still there. (She has my surname as a middle name.)

TittyGolightly · 12/11/2017 01:01

(I’m still married to DH. We still don’t share a surname.)

EndofSummer · 12/11/2017 01:10

I’d urge you to think OP, him changing his name is not wrong or silly or bad, it’s his business.

Him not seeing her for two years... now that’s bad. His lack of a relationship with his daughter - that’s upsetting.

But when you named your daughter, what was it for?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2017 01:47

If he won’t let you change your dds name or if she doesn’t want to, you could alwags change yours. He sounds like a bit of an idiot and I doubt very much he even considered your dd when he made the decision to change hie name.

slothface · 12/11/2017 01:53

Why is him changing his name silly and immature? Surely by that logic women who change their name on marriage are also silly and immature? Obviously the OP is upset by this and we can't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel, but I would hazard a guess that his primary motivations for changing the name weren't to snub you (and if they were, he's a twat). Still, I think it's a positive thing that more men are willing to change their names on marriage instead of the burden always falling on the woman

BertieBotts · 12/11/2017 02:00

Actually I think they should change the law so that the child gets the mothers name. It is already possible to change the child's name retrospectively on the birth certificate if you get married within the first year of their life.

I gave DS my ex's name mainly because he expected us to, it was a controlling relationship, so what he expected usually happened. Also I was hoping we'd marry, and I felt like giving him my own name would have been a clear statement that it was us against him. Irrational though that may seem.

DNAwrangler · 12/11/2017 06:06

OP try to see the name for what it is - your DD's name. Not her dad's name. Hers.

If she wants to change it by deed poll I'd consider it, but otherwise leave well alone. Why should she change it, it's all she's ever known. I'd hate to change my name, even though some people would say it's my dad's.

Her0utdoors · 12/11/2017 06:28

You don't need his permission to change her name do you OP? I decided to use my mum's surname when I was about 9, I'm certain my father was not contacted about the change. Although obviously distressing for you, at 7 it might be best to leave DD out of the situation and see if the subject arises in years to come

FireCracker2 · 12/11/2017 06:34

The op was engaged to the child's father so presumably her thinking was that they would soon all have the same surname

AdalindSchade · 12/11/2017 06:35

Why shouldn't he change his name? Women do it all the time, women often have different surnames to their children, either because they gave the father's surname or they divorced and remarried and changed again...I don't get all the angst or why you are taking this as a slight on your daughter

it's all a bit odd particularly as he's not even taking his new Wife's name ... has she taken his 'New' name?

It's not odd, it's a new fashioned approach to marriage and surnames whereby neither partner has to change to the other but they still get a shared surname. It's a nice idea

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/11/2017 06:36

The issue is he's a crap father, the name is a red herring. I too would be mightily fucked off with having a wankstain like that as a DC's parent. (I have epierience, mores the pity)
Ppint is your DD is still linked to his family and heritage on her paternal side so not rudderless exactly.
Personally i would change her name. This is an easy black and white situation. There are many grey areas . I have a colourful patchwork of 2 kids born both in and out of wedlock Grin (my usual term is married patent/unmarried parent but I'm struggling to think of any times thay ive ever really talked about it in those terms) we have three names beyween us, a late exhusband, a late fiance and only my side of the family are on the scene.
Ideally my youngest DC would take my (actually my father's ) name but I cant exactly do that right now. What with him just going and dying unexpectedly like that.
In tbis situation, change your daughter's name. Dont involve her in conversation. Shes 7. Make the decision to do it and never let her know *he hates her and me". He probably is just indifferent. Equally as shite but she just doesn't need to know .

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 12/11/2017 06:41

Women! Give your children your name, whether you’re married or not. Double barrel if you have to but have your name in there too.

Because, let’s face it, you are in all likelihood going to be the main carer, come divorce or happily-ever-after. And the child tracing their lineage through the maternal line makes far more sense and is far more accurate in the long run.

And all this ^^ will be avoided.

Sorry for the lecture Blush but YANBU OP and good luck in changing your DD’s name.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/11/2017 06:41

Well, obviously Op's DD knows hes a crap dad but i would just avoid lots of conversations where you give him too much power. He wasnt ready/has problems with responsibility etc doesnt 'let him off the hook' but takes pressure off a DC thinking they themselves are the reason that their father isnt a Dad to them Sad. Ime that is.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/11/2017 06:43

Yy to rita. Thats what I was trying and failing to say. Grin

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